[Trippin2.0]

I just needed to get this out, so please bare with me, this is a bit of a novel, my apologies beforehand

I've always been known to be a bit on the "moody" side, U never know what you gonna get, sometimes you just have to "brace yourself" for my reactions, mostly people tend to walk on eggshells around me...

The last few events and emotional reactions have lead me here and on the path to enlightenment and hopefully HELP

I have taken the time to record my emotions and reactions over the last few weeks.If it is not too much too ask, please take a moment (or 2), to look at life through my emo eyes...

3 May 2010: (without any apparent trigger) Went berzerk at work, through a hissyfit, stormed off home. Where I continued to cry, cut, and argue (outloud) with myself. Feel usless, lonely, angry, rejected, abandoned and useless, zero appetite. (very scary experience, the worst so far, because I scared my poor 6y.o daughter and it felt like my personality was unravelling... this led me to seeking help) Woke up 1 morning in the midst of a panic attack (not nice to say the least!) Was buried under my blankets,sleeping my time away, which is not unusual when I'm depressed... Worst of all, I had ZERO inclination to do ANYTHING WITH/FOR my daughter, if I have to be brutally honest...I actually couldn't stand her for those 2 weeks I suck I know, but it really wasn't intentional.
Then as suddenly as that "episode" started.. BAM
15 May 2010: At around 22:00 I started laughing at my younger brother and his friends who REALLY was not as funny as they seemed to me, feeling energetic and ecstaticly happy!!! Only slept for 2hours that morning, and proceeded to feel like this:Couldn't stop talking, moving, singing, dancing, fidgeting... Felt invincible Loved myself, and everything else. (didn't even hate my job ) did everything at superspeed couldn't concentrate much (I thought I had brilliant concentration before now) Did alot of fun things with my daughter (especially to make up for the 2 weeks I had unabashedly rejected her) and only slept for approx. 3.5 hours a day. Was however very irritable and anxious by 3pm nearly everyday... Body ended up exhausted, but my mind just kept going... Also noticed that I was hot alot, I'm usually very cold. Spent my paycheck in ONE DAY, against my usual better judgment, I ran away from work early on more than 1 occasion, fully aware that I could get into serious trouble (but not caring at all).

27 May 2010: Was still feeling fine, but my deceased brother's GF reminded me in an unintelligble way that it was to be his birthday the next day...
Needless to say, I completely flew off the handle
I was filled with so much rage, I was sure I was going to explode/implode.
Anxious, rapid erratic breathing, HOT (1ce again,I'm usually cold) Still couldn't sit still, but the rage ended up bringing me to tears and I ended up crying and crying until I could cry no more... (did feel better the next day tho)

29 May 2010:
Now I know you might think I had reason to be sad on this day, with my brother's birthday the previous day and all that, but that wasn't the reason, and this just made me feel worse about myself...
Woke up crying, didn't want to eat, spend time with my daughter, or even live. I was so inexplicably sad about being ME... I felt so utterly useless, and isolated. I just felt like giving up. I wished for someone to understand what was wrong with with me, to hold me and tell me I'm gonna be alright, and then I sobbed even harder, because there is No such someone out there... I felt complete anguish for being me ( the person that normally does not take ne1'z BS and judgment about being me) I felt like a waste of space. Completely hopeless, like I was doomed to spend my life on this emotional roller-coaster, without an instruction manual or tutorial, without a rest stop, without understanding... (the lack of understanding hurts the most, I feel like I'm always justifying or apologising, always on seemingly deaf ears. Like they make the right murmurs, but don't really get it, or don't particularly care, and worse, I can't blame them, because I don't even understand = MORE TEARS, ugh I'm pathetic) and no matter how much my logical self tells me "there are people who care" my emotional self ignores that, or ends up feeling worse for some reason, like logic is telling a blatant lie or something...

30 May 2010: Today, I don't feel much. Not even freaking about my appt. Friday, just feel like an apathetic blob, which is the opposite of what I perceive my authentic self to be. I know it won't last long, "this" never does, but I thought it best to add it...

Any thoughts, insight,advice or empathy very welcome...
Or am I just weird and stuck in my own emotional bubble?...

[sugahorse1]

You've really made an effort to understand yourself and monitor your emotions. I think you are just going to have to wait it out til Friday. And you definitely seem to come armed with some ammo for your appointment.
I'm sure that your doctor will be able to start a diagnosis of something, or least of all give you some anti-depressants to help you through this. It's not your fault, so don't feel guilty.
You have really considered your responsibilities which could not have been easy. Try keep yourself occupied and work, and for the time being wear that mask - you don't want to be hauled in by a manager and at this moment in time don't have an explanation for your emotions.
Surround yourself with positive people, when you have any free time, use it to relax and pamper yourself - you are number one in your life; if you don't believe it, you cannot be there for your daughter on top of that.
Keep posting here, and we'll do our best to help you cheer up.

[Fresia]

I'm sending good wishes your way. I think what Sugahorse recommends are good ideas, especially the taking extra care of yourself right now which will in turn help you in taking care of your relationships with others. I also have to cling to something you said about these times in that it doesn't last; it's hell while you're in it but the cycles really do leave as quickly as they come. Hopefully there is comfort in that. Fortunately you are aware this is going on and are taking positive steps; an appointment is a short time away and know you are definitely not alone meanwhile.

[Trippin2.0]

30 May 2010: Today, I don't feel much. Not even freaking about my appt. Friday, just feel like an apathetic blob, which is the opposite of what I perceive my authentic self to be. I know it won't last long, "this" never does, but I thought it best to add it...

Update: Apathetic blob completely dissapeared a while ago, (not sure when) I'm compassionate, energized,singing loudly, struggling to focus and SMILING AT EVERYTHING! I friggin LOVE ME!!! I don't even mind staying my full shift at work even though I was only needed half day... (normally I'd be throwing a hissyfit right about now...)

ANYWAY...just thought I'd add that minor development in the mix incase this is relevent to any possible future responses to the original post...

[sugahorse1]

Hey Trippin; glad you are feeling better. Hang in there on this rollercoaster! It's great that you feel better, but I'm sure it's so confusing and hard for you and those around you to keep up. I go thro the same

[Trippin2.0]

LOL
I think I love u... you "get me"

I'm not sure who's more confused. Me or the people who have to keep up?
It makes for strange working relationships as I've never stuck around long enough for people to notice (or I call in sick when it's really bad/strange)...

I think for me, it's become more frustating than confusing actually, I just think of myself as "emotionally different". Volatile and overwhelming, but hey, that's me. No matter how ugly I get, I always look forward to the days I feel like THIS

I HOPE YOU ARE FEELING BETTER SUGAHORSE

I WISH I COULD BRING ALL MY PC FRIENDS ONBOARD THE HAPPY CLOUD I'M ON RIGHT NOW, AND WISH THAT WE COULD ALL JUST STAY THERE!!!

[sugahorse1]

Lol @ Trippin!!

[FeelingHopeful]

Trippin, I just wanted to send you a big hug!! Hang in there!

[sugahorse1]

How are you today Trippin? Still bouncing?

[Trippin2.0]

Hey Guys
Definitely still bouncing, but very anxious, my breathing is a bit erratic and "heavy"...
sort of like a mini panic attack, without the panic...
No idea why I feel like this, it's a bit scary if I must admit, but hey, it'll blow over. Right?

Not sure if I make sense tho...

Thanks guys for your support and encouragement...

[sugahorse1]

Yes, this too will pass. Just keep writing all your feelings and emotions into your jouranl for your appointment. You're prob going thro a hypomanic phase.
I'm taking a half day today, yipee. My brain has been racing; I think I'm between episodes, but also not really sure!?!?

[Trippin2.0]

Glad your day is going in the right direction

If you don't mind, could you pls describe hypomanic phase, what if i'm jis having stupid PA?... wish it was over already. can't concentrate, sit still, or breath properly. Not unhappy (AT ALL), but feel like I might cry if it doesn't blow over soon...

[Fresia]

Hypomaniac episode symptoms: http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx21.htm

I hope you are hanging in there. Sending hugs your way meanwhile.

[Trippin2.0]

OMW
Fresia, thanks for the link...
Guys...Remember when I post things like "I friggin love feeling like this, I love ME and the world" blah blah blah??? Those are the days I feel like this:

Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
Decreased need for sleep (e.g., feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
Distractibility (e.g., attention too easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant external stimuli)
Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., the person engages in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to laugh. or cry...LOL
Well, atleast there's someone that understands me, cos these descriptions didn't appear on the website by themselves

I'm choosing to NOT get panicky about being described on a website I think deep down I'm anxious about friday, but I've chosen not to think about it, so I don't. Can avoiding a certain thought actually end up increasing the anxiety I'm trying to avoid???

Geez I'm not sure I make any sense at all anymore. That's why I just avoid talking to RL ppl when I feel like this cos they all think I'm nuts enough as it is...I'll just continue hiding inside my head (hopefully I can find my way out again)

[Fencer]

Hello, I'm just new here, it's actually one of the first threads I am reading, but I am moved and touched by what you write. It helps me understand that I am not alone. Hope you can feel that you are not alone, too.... and that this gives you strength to go through this. Sincerely, all the best.
Fencer

[Fresia]

Hi Trippin2.0

I can definitely relate to hypomaniac spells, not my favorite to say the least.

How are you doing?

[Trippin2.0]

Hypomanic or not... I actually love it. It's my favourite "ME"

So okay, the anxiety I could do without, but I'm so used to it, I'm sure it's not actually THAT bad, I can handle it... also the inability to concentrate is a bit frustrating...

But over all, I like the way I feel, about me, about life, about everything, this feels like me, but just turned up a notch (if that makes sense).

Fresia: Why do you dislike your hypomanic spells so much? Do you not feel good about yourself during them, or does your anxiety and irritability skyrocket and outweigh the positive?
Just curious...

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Fencer

Hello, I'm just new here, it's actually one of the first threads I am reading, but I am moved and touched by what you write. It helps me understand that I am not alone. Hope you can feel that you are not alone, too.... and that this gives you strength to go through this. Sincerely, all the best.
Fencer

I'm glad that my thread helped you realise that you are not alone. Before I discovered PC, I believed that I was doomed to be stuck in my own emo bubble alone forever...

So I know that you must be feeling quite relieved right now

Thanks for the good wishes, I'm doing great, my PC friends help to encourage, motivate and advise I'm really thankful to all of them!

I'm hoping you and I can be PC friends too, you're welcome to PM me, if you want to talk privately

I hope you enjoy your time here!!!

[Fresia]

Getting things done is great. However, the anxiety and irritability can get me into trouble as can the tendency to over commit to things. I take on more than I can handle during these times, then when I come down I am completely overwhelmed and let a lot of people down. Fortunately have learned to recognize the signs early but sometimes it sneaks up on me. I had to learn better interpersonal skills to help keep relationships in tact and has really been beneficial. I just wish sometimes it didn't happen in the first place; have also learned to accept it and manage as best that I can.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks for your insight Fresia.

I'm lucky I guess, i don't get into trouble for my "tantrums". I've been blessed either with people who look the other way, or people who are too scared to broach the subject...
I don't think I over commit proffessionally, but I've been known to do so emotionally (do you think it may be linked?) I've had to actively distance myself from trying to "save" everyone because THAT has lead to burnout/meltdown on more than 1 occasion... Thought it was just me being weird again...

Lonely in some ways? yes, DEF. But atleast it's allowed me to keep this job for so long

[Fresia]

Meltdown, what meltdowns?! It is isolating at times, isn't it? I guess that's what faced with now more than anything.

I am glad things are going a little better for you. Hopefully the info will help for your appt coming up soon, isn't it? Hang in there and best wishes, -Fresia

[Trippin2.0]

Appt is TODAY. freaking out a bit, but I'm bouncing so it's not a big problem...

Isolation and frustration is my biggest battles right, that's why PC so much

Thanks sO much for your support, I appreciate it

[sugahorse1]

Hey Trippin - don't stress about yr app - just be 100% honest and try remember 90% of what you've learnt about yourself.

I can relate to the hypomanic episode description - just went to read it now too. I basically do have a slightly inflated self-esteem. I tend to get louder and more confident, especially at work. My thoughts do race, and I am much more talkative and chirpier than normal. I have experienced some strange buying sprees, like when I bought my chameleon - but I still love him regardless
I have been able to stay up a little bit longer and tend to wake up just before my alarm goes off. I can also get through the day without looking for a corner to have a nap in. I am however drained, but it's more mentally as my thoughts have been racing all day

[Trippin2.0]

Chameleons are awesome, I used to have a few when I was a child

I bought a R130 lipgloss Something I would NEVER do, but I "needed" it. Then this morning I misplaced it and COULDN'T BREATH!!! WTH? it's a LIPGLOSS for crying out loud!!! But that's what happened

2 more hours, trying my best not to stress, thanks for the encouragement. I'm trying hard ot fight the urge to smoke this entire packet of cigerettes. "bf" has been so supportive, he's leaving work early to fetch me at the Pdoc, so i can see a friendly face afterward

I hope you find some "peace and quiet" I'm used to bouncing, I do that quite often, the draining sucks, but I hardly think mine's as bad as it is for others, as I'm quite okay with the minimal sleep, I've grown accustomed to it, coz I concidered it "normal"...
Please try to find some "me time" and rest

Thanks for the support, it REALLY REALLY means alot

[sugahorse1]

hey, at least at a pdoc's app you know he's not going to stick a needle into you, lol (Not like a dentist or GP!). It go great - but be sure to feed back to us.

I've always slept more than normal, so I cannot afford to be tired, even after 10 hours of sleep. Not bouncing bad today.

Talking about smokes - I think I need one; haven't had one since I got to work!

And I've been eating like a steam train - gotta be me slipping into hypomania again. Yesterday I only had 4 crackers the whole day until supper time. today I cannot stop thinking about food.

And in a mixed state especially, I tend to me overly sensitive, trying to rescue each and every person, thinking everyone is upset with me, wanting to help people out physically and emotionally - eventually I become a rash to them cos I'm in their face all the time.

Sorry about the ramble..