[maryjain lockhart]

At work I am always upbeat&happy&talkative&outgoing...when ppl are around. When nobodys looking I'm trying not to cry or crying. At home tho I'm just so tired lately. It takes all my energy2be happy@work so when I get home I'm drained. I cry&laugh@the same time. I flip out&scream. I want to lock myself inside&just not be around anybody. Summer is big for my family. Lots of get togethers. But so far I have missed em all cuz I'm scared they'll notice I'm not the same anymore. Can't even pretend2b happy around my family anymore cuz I'm too tired. I can't wait for Tuesday. They're moving my appointment up cuz my pcp is worried bout me. They said I may go2inpatient care. That would just be awful! I can't afford to miss work. My boss would give me the time off but when I came back he would give me hardly any hours&then I would get depressed all over.
I'm tired of living 2 lives. But when everyone@work finds out what's wrong with me they will treat me differently. But eventually I'm going to crash@work so mybe its better they know so they won't make up rumors&lies when it does happen.

[greylove]

Oh maryjain......I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I had the right words. Your post just makes me want to give you (((hugs))) because I can can relate to much of what you wrote and I know you're in pain. Put yourself first, above work. I know, easy to say......

Please post and let us know how you're doing. At least know you're being thought of......greylove

[maryjain lockhart]

I absolutely LOVE this group! And thank you, greylove, for your warm thoughts&(((hugs))). When I go Tuesday I'm going to tell them about this group&suggest they suggest it to others. I have found a place where I'm no longer alone in my thinking. I feel almost vindicated. I made my fiance read some posts&he thinks it is great that there are so many ppl willing to give advice to others&help them through this illness. He is starting to understand that meds&therapy won't be so bad after all.
I really appreciate your thoughts&well wishes sweetheart. PM me if ya wanna talk some more!

[sugahorse1]

I hope the app goes well. A tiny med tweak may be all it requires right now. I know how tiring this can all be, but if you need to take time off work, you need to. You need to put yourself first.

[BlackPup]

Just want to let you know you are not alone. The mask that we wear around other people can be sooo exhausting. The thought of having to keep up appearances and go on fighting when all you want to do is curl up and hide can be so frightening.

Remember that you only have to get through one moment at a time. When things get to much give yourself some space to recover, even if it is finding somewhere to hide till you get back on your feet. It won't last forever...
All the best for your appointment.