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#1
Jun 08, 2010, 07:55 PM
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Before my diagnosis, I thought all was well. My personal and career life were upswing until BP hit me while I was supposedly completing a PhD abroad. I did not even complete the first year. I was so devastated. I had some disappointments in the past but this is my first feeling of a hard downfall. Now I think I am quite angry with some people who I think contributed to my breakdown. In my normal moods, this feeling do not get in the way but when I feel depressed, these feelings rush in and it becomes now a cycle of anger, frustration, envy, self-pity, incompetency, blaming myself, blaming others...then inside me is a cry: 'HOW CAN I GET BACK TO MY OLD HAPPY SELF?...THIS IS SO FRUSTRATING ME'...Then afterwards I feel so guilty of thinking bad about others and myself. This is what shatters me actually...On the outside, things seem well and in place...but on depressed moments...there is a battle inside of me. I don't want to get it out of hand lest I experienced an acute dysphoric state when I fear I am going crazy. I don't like the feeling that I am a bad person. HELP!
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#2
Jun 08, 2010, 11:28 PM
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I so get what your saying...
I'm trying to do my PhD but it has been complicated greatly by my BP diagnosis... losing you PhD is almost like losing a person, you have to grieve... We put so much pressure on ourselves and the fear of not succeeding is so huge that it really stuffs you around... I've found that dealing with some of these issues with a good counsellor/psychologist when you are feeling ok means that you have better ways to deal with the bad thoughts when you are depressed and more susceptible... By the way, I don't think your a bad person, just a person person, with good things and not so good things, just like every other person. When you are depressed the you see only the not so good, when you are manic you see only the good... Hope you feel better soon... |
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#3
Jun 10, 2010, 06:27 AM
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Thank you BlackPup for your input. Thank you for reminding me that I am a person and I have a right to weakness and failure sometimes. In retrospect, without the experience, I would not have known that I have BPD and would not have sought treatment and be more aware of my own behavior that are symptoms of the illness. This illness, in a way has been a lifesaver...helping me set my priorities so I have lesser stress and I could be good to myself. Take care too...
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#4
Jun 10, 2010, 07:53 AM
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Just break it all down into little chuncks and learn to appreciate every step. Appreciate the small achievements in your life. And just hang in there. We're all surviving and here to support each other - this battle can be won!
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