[BNLsMOM]

I am calling the last couple of days a "flare up". My T and I called my P-nurse and we did a med tweak.

I am so tired of this crap. I was just sitting here wondering how long I can go on like this. How many more years being whacked upside the head with no warning by "Flare ups"?

Am I going to make it? Sometimes I don't know. Which flare up is going to be the one to do me in?

[Skully]

(((BNLsMOM))) Hang in there, it will get better!!! I too wonder how much of it I can take but then I remember the many good times I have had and that keeps me going.

[MickG]

"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." ~Dylan Thomas

Yeah, I’m still waiting for the magic pill as well. I think it is called fortitude because none of the pharmaceutical crap works.

I myself am returning from a hospital stay due to psychosis. That’s quite the world to walk.

Just stopped by to wish you well.

[Moreta]

I share the same feelings as you. I don't want to have to go back to the hospital and if I did, would I be allowed out? I think sometimes I try to over-complicate things, b/c I need and answer to everything. I start one thought, which then turns into another, etc. until they all snowball and all of the sudden in my brain, I can no longer handle work/people/life/etc. Depending what I'm obsessing over. Then my brain goes to the point If you can't handle work/people/life, what is your purpose? Which is when I crash and usually start crying. (Usually from 11-2 at work everyday.)

The problem is that bipolar people tend to over analyze everything. The solution is stopping the thoughts before we start obsessing. Tapping and affirmations are a good way to ground yourself, also using the coping skills that you know, that work. Also, believe in yourself that you can make it.

[BNLsMOM]

I have gone between feeling OK and feeling horrible and drained repeatedly all day long. I am freakin exhausted and really very angry.

((((((((((BNLsMOM)))))))
Sending many hugs your way. Please know that things will get better soon.

[sugahorse1]

BNLsMOM - I'm with you 100% - I'm right there with you! I feel like a live wire; don't know where I'm at!

[BNLsMOM]

Another med tweak, but now I am off the med that gave me a great 6 weeks. I am waiting to slip back into depression. I don't know how much more I can take.

[grizmom]

I hope this med adjustment gives you some relief...it is a long frustrating process to find the right med combo, and there have been many times where my meds worked for a month or two and gave out on me.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" ~ Confusius

[thinker22]

Like others have said. Hang in there. It sucks right now, but it will be worth trying something, anything new. You have your whole life ahead of you and it won't always be this way. There are people who love you and depend on you. Don't put too much pressure on yourself to be perfect or highly functional. Just focus on getting well so you can be there for yourself and others. I think everyone on the bipolar forum has had periods of times where nothing seems to work chemically and it feels like it's always going to be chaotic and depressing. I am facing severe anxiety every day and just tweaked my meds this morning in hopes that I can have a more normal day. The point is, don't give up. We're here for you. Sorry it is so bad right now.

[BNLsMOM]

I almost walked out on my family for the night. It was one of those nights where the kids won't sleep, etc. I am so overwhelmed by anger today and miserable and full of awful thoughts toward myself that I wanted to get in my car and go. I don't think I would have been safe if I did, so I stayed home. I feel like I am sitting on a thin edge and I could go either way at any time.

[sugahorse1]

hey there. I'm having a hard time myself.
Can you speak to a family member to take care of the kids and take responsibilty away from you for a while? Or is there a granny flat you can retreat to? Or a friend you can stay with for a while until you get through this stage? Just to let your life settle and remove all responsibility and anything else that can overwhelm you.

(((HUGS)))

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

hey there. I'm having a hard time myself.
Can you speak to a family member to take care of the kids and take responsibilty away from you for a while? Or is there a granny flat you can retreat to? Or a friend you can stay with for a while until you get through this stage? Just to let your life settle and remove all responsibility and anything else that can overwhelm you.

(((HUGS)))

The only place like that would be the hospital. My best friend and my sister both have such tiny places that there isn't even roon in the living room. My sister is in a studio and my best friend sleeps in her living room because her husband can't sleep with her snoring.

I would honestly be afraid right now to have the kids go to my mom's for the day because I think the thoughts would get the better of me and I wouldn't be safe. It is the worst when I am alone.

[sugahorse1]

I understand that you need company - even if it's just knowing that someone is watching you out the corner of their eye that keeps you on the straight and narrow.

BNLsMOM - I need to leave work now, but please promise me that if you think you are going to realise that it's too much and you cannot look after yourself - please phone the hospital...
Or get a friend to phone and check in on you every 1 or 2 hours. You need to be there for your children, so what's a few days off in the hospital in the long run?
I don't think anyone deserves this deep depression for as long as you've battled with it now - I really believe your meds need to be adjusted too.

Please be safe and I'll check in with you in 16 hours or so (((HUGS)))

[sugahorse1]

I hope those meds that did get tweaked kick in ASAP; else consider a whole change altogether?

[BNLsMOM]

I'll make sure to be safe. Thanks.

It's more images and agitation rather than depression, which I think is worse.