[BNLsMOM]

TRIGGERS



I can't be still. My insides and outsides are just so twitchy. If I am still, I feel like I will die or something.

I am having invasive thoughts, horrible things and when I close my eyes, I am seeing horrible things that I could do to myself. It is taking strength not to go do something.

I have glued myself to the chair so that I don't do somehting to myself. I did scratch and leave a nasty mark on my wrist on Monday when this all started and I was wishing it was deeper.

I am so full of energy that I might scream or explode or something. It is physical.

On the other hand, I feel like I will never get better, that I will always be sick. It is bumming me out. I am depressed, but not immobile as the above descriptions state. I can't imagine my life going on long if it will be like this repeatedly. I feel somewhat hopeless. I am so sad that my most recent med change gave me life for 6 weeks and now it is gone. It is like the movie Awakenings, but I don't have the pleasure of slipping into a coma, just agitation.

I am doing med changes (with guidance from p-nurse) because of all this stuff that started on Monday and I think that it is making things worse. I really don't know what to do. I almost feel like I would be better in the hospital, but how the hell do I endure that again!? How would my family deal with it, how would I explain!!!???

I think I am heading for trouble and I am almost to the point where I tell my husband to take over because I can't make a decision.

Maybe it is time to tell your husband to take over, it's ok. Was there once myself in a bad way and it was AWFUL. Please take care of yourself and be safe, ok? I'll be out for a bit, but will keep checking back, alright? Think it's safe for me to "prescribe" a PRN for posting, ya? -- post as needed!

[AliRBailey]

I agree with the above poster. Tell your husband to take the reigns for a bit. You need to get stable again...I know inpatient can sometimes be horrible, but for now, it would give you a chance to relax and know that you can't hurt yourself there and you'll be watched and taken care of. It'll allow you to get some solid sleep and I know for me, when I sleep well, I can manage my racing irrational thoughts better (whoever invented sleep deserves an award!!). The MAIN point is: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Ever. You aren't going to be this way forever and you can come to a place where being bipolar can be a small blip in the back of your head. Simmering on low.

For now: tell your husband and get checked in somewhere...only for a few days. I'll keep checking back to see how you're doing...write as much as makes you feel comfortable, if it helps.

~Alicia

[grizmom]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

I am having invasive thoughts, horrible things and when I close my eyes, I am seeing horrible things that I could do to myself. It is taking strength not to go do something.

I have glued myself to the chair so that I don't do somehting to myself. I did scratch and leave a nasty mark on my wrist on Monday when this all started and I was wishing it was deeper.

I can't imagine my life going on long if it will be like this repeatedly. I feel somewhat hopeless.

I almost feel like I would be better in the hospital, but how the hell do I endure that again!? How would my family deal with it, how would I explain!!!???

*trigger* *graphic*

I think your family would deal with you being in the hospital far better than they would be able to deal with you doing something to hurt yourself. I've had 2 friends die by sui. 2 other friends attempted it and I was the one who found them. I still have nightmares about finding my friend choking, blue in the face, and having a seizure with vomit all around her. She had overdosed. She was in a coma for several weeks and I sat in that freaking hospital room with her almost all day every day. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. She did come out of the coma, but she had some permanent brain and muscle damage. I would have been able to deal with visiting her in the hospital every day for months with no problem at all. But I'll be dealing with her alternative choice for the rest of my life.

I've been in the hospital more times than I can count. Between June 2007 and February 2009 I was in the hospital 5 times, the last time was for almost a month. But in the end they finally found a med combo that has been working for over a year now; maybe not as perfectly as I would like it to work, but I've been able to stay out of the hospital for 16 months, and that is a HUGE accomplishment for me. If I had chosen to die by sui instead of choosing the hospital, I wouldn't have been able to sit and hold the tiny newborn kittens on the farm a few weeks ago. I wouldn't have met any of you. I wouldn't have seen my brother build a beautiful house with his own hands. I wouldn't have been able to see my friend's daughter learn to swim. I would have missed out on so many things. Sure, I still have rotten days, even rotten weeks. But I'm not planning on throwing in the towel now...not after I've worked this hard. I hope you won't either. Please go to the hospital if you feel you are in any danger of harming yourself. Your children and your husband need you. Everyone here cares about you. Please stay safe.

[thinker22]

Yes, stay safe. It does sound like a mixed episode. From the last couple of threads I have read of yours, I'd say your meds are not correct and you definitely need some adjustments. If you can't get to see a doc or nurse who can do anything about them or have them change something over the phone, do go to the hospital. It's not worth doing anything reckless when you're not in your right mind. Things don't tend to go away on their own when your chemistry is messed up. I've been anxious since school ended and I'm reluctant to call my p-doc. So, I went back up on the amount of Geodon I had backed down on (still trying to wean myself off of everything). Now my anxiety is much more manageable, but not great. The key is to change something and don't try to guess at it yourself. Tell them exactly what you feel (crawling out of your skin, etc.) and get something new going on! We all care about you.

[sugahorse1]

I'd really recommend that you need to speak to your husband. Ask him as someone who loves you and knows you what he recommends. He is probably just as scared as you are.
He also is (Presumably) not a doctor, so allowing yourself to go inpatient may well be the most responsible decision you can make now, as it ensure that neither you, nor your husband need to be in control - the hospital is.
I'm sure they'll be able to give you meds to deal with these terrible physical feelings right now - they are the only ones that can offer you the relief you are look for right now.

[musikcrazy]

Your safety and well being are top priority. Don't worry about your family having a hard time with you going to the hospital. If that is what you need you need to go. Talk to your doc as soon as possible. It does sound like a mixed state. Mixed states are dangerous because you often have the energy to hurt yourself. You are most important right now! Take care of yourself. We care about you!

[sugahorse1]

I;ve been in those mixed states and I feel your pain. Please seek help