[Fresia]

I am tired and worn out. Meds are holding their course with adjustments here and there as the rapid cycling and insomnia are back; going to T weekly now. Life has been coming up with one doozy after another, one problem after another, with what seems no end in sight. Most things that I have been working on or even touched lately are not turning out the way they should; though with good intentions, what I'm doing is not working. So frustrating. I am glad that I only signed up for one class this summer but I am struggling there too.

I am disappointed in not being able to handle things better but I am doing my best and I honestly don't know what to do differently. However, I do know to keep doing what you're doing and to expect a different result, is pointless. Something needs to change.

To top it off, I miss friends and family. The isolation is setting in and so is depression now added to the grief of their losses. Added to that, for some reason, I miss dating, where this came from I have no idea but it's been mulling over in my mind too. As if I have time for this.

I guess overall it's a feeling of being worn out and isolated from taking care of others and from the BP, being lonely and unfulfilled. I guess I just needed to vent and appreciate some kind folks listening. Thanks for your patience. -Fresia

[sugahorse1]

Hey there - i'm listening. How come you are isolated from friends and family?
I think it's just important to have clear goals for yourself and strive towards them. Your health needs to come first.
I have been experiencing sever bouts of anger, including screaming at people. But at the end of the day, it's when things don't go my way (And I don't mean it in a bratish way, but rather that I know what I need in order to be stable, and I'm not getting it). I none-the-less still push forward if I truely believe that it is the best thing for my health.

Life will throw us curve balls, but I hope you can trust your pdoc and T, and can come up with comping mechanisms. Persevere through this and it will pay off.

[Fresia]

I moved across country away from friends to take care of close family who has all since passed. My brother's family lives several states away and though my folks are here, my Mom is in a world of her own (depression/alcohol) and my Dad is just trying to cope with her. I am trying to support them both, a one way relationship at this point.

I tried to return to school as much for the education as to meet people again. It has been positive but the students are so much younger. Have made some good acquaintances so far but their interests are different than mine, different stages in our lives. I need to find more to get involved in when some of the legal estate issues settle down and aren't so time consuming.

Working on coping strategies is helpful but tiring. However, will continue to go and to put one foot in front of the other.

[sugahorse1]

I'm so sorry to hear. Is staying with your brother's family for a few weeks an option? Just to get out of the current negative environment and give you some other things to think about.
Right now you need someone to be there for you - in your current frame of mind you cannot possibly offer support to your mom and dad as well. And therapy will just have you running round in circles if you cannot implement anything you have learnt.
Is there an adult education/college in your area where you could further your education but be around a slightly older crowd?
My social circle has always been around older people - I would not have coped at a normal university, so I studied correspondence while working too.
Are there other social clubs you can join in order to meet new people? Or a BP support group?

Hang in there, and in the mean time I'm here to listen and support as much as I can (((HUGS)))

[Fresia]

Thank you so much.

I think going to visit them when semester is over is a really good idea. It would be good to get away and to spend some time with them. I will call them later today.

I have to look into other organizations and clubs to get involved in. Perhaps there will be something. I just hadn't had the chance to consider these things in so long.

All good suggestions, thanks so much. Hugs to you, -Fresia

[sugahorse1]

You deserve to be in healing place, where you can leave all worries and responsibilities behind and just focus on yourself and getting better - you need to recharge your batteries

[Fresia]

Today is not going well. T called to cancel, family emergency and was biding my time until then.

I haven't been in this position before of so much sadness but not sleeping, rapid shifts in mood too, and not hungry which is completely out of the ordinary, and listless. Strange state. Have a call into doc in the meantime.
I haven't felt so hopeless in years. Going to keep putting a foot in front of the other but want to stay in bed like yesterday. Will go to class today however, have to, can't let that fall behind as well.

I did contact my brother; going to go visit in July when school is out. This is something to look forward to and to see my niece. Thanks Sugahorse for the suggestion.

Any others much appreciated just need to get through the week.