[Moreta]

I've been in a funk this past week. I've been experiencing moods ranging from depression (that deep dark depression), to agitation, to rage and when I'm not experiencing these intense moods, I'm just kind of here. I'm pretty sure it is caused by me not being at work, but I'm even worse when I'm at work. It's very frustrating. Wanting to work, but not being able to.

Then yesterday, I got my MRI results back, and the doctor still didn't know what the mass on my kidney is, and they wanted to check it again in 3 months. So basically, they don't want to actually address my physical symptoms from it, which make it impossible to work. My mom makes things even better since she thinks I should go back to work now. Also when I told her I might need surgery, I told her I would be staying with my mother-in-law after the surgery, 2 hours away. I my mother-in-law. She's so much more helpful than my mom. And yes, I know I shouldn't cut my mom off, but when my dad was diagnosed with cancer, she didn't actually tell me how bad it was (stage 4), I had to hear it when she would talk on the phone. Then 7 years later, when my dad passed away, she chose to tell me then. She has no problems telling everyone else our family's health issues, but she can't tell me anything directly. It was the worst when I was in the hospital last year. She got it in her head, that she needed to visit me every day. She would come and sit there and look sad and ask me what my problem was and she thought that by coming every day, I would somehow get out of there sooner. I've thought about going back to the hospital lately, but I wouldn't want her to come at all, and I could see that going bad......

Next week I'm going to see an endocrinologist, so maybe they can figure something out. I just want to feel better.

[Fresia]

I understand about having symptoms and not being able to be diagnosed so that it can be treated. I am so sorry you are going through this. I got darkly depressive episodes too, frustrated, sad, and angry as well during the waiting, appointments, testing, and still having symptoms. I almost thought at times they hoped the symptoms would just magically disappear if they waited long enough.

Working while going through this was so difficult b/c I was distracted whether it be dealing with my symptoms or my thoughts, it was so hard to be present and I just didn't care about my work. The work seemed so meaningless in the scheme of things. When you don't have your health it's hard to move forward. I applaud you for continuing to do it though if you are up to it.

My mom likes to come daily to the hospital as well, as if she can will me out of there. I prefer to be left alone in that regard. We finally talked about the stress it puts on her and me in needing rest, that a couple of visits here and there are better for both of us. Would this be possible for the future?

I recovered from one procedure at a friend's and she was completely offended. I just explained all the reasons in this case, it was a ranch-no steps, closer to the hospital, she wasn't home so I could actually rest there. Whatever your reasons, you definitely have to do what is right for you.

3 mos is a long time w/o symptom relief. I do feel for you. I will be hoping for answers from the endocrinologist. If not, I would definitely look into another opinion and another opinion until you find answers. It is out there. Sending hugs in the meantime.

[sugahorse1]

((QA)) - mood wise I've been going through the same. My poor boyfriend has had me attack him from all sides for no real reason. Other than that I'm very aggitated, and really rely on my anti-anxiety tabs. At other times I feel nothing, but like I still want attention.

Went to my first T session in a year today with a new T - I thought it went well. was a bit scarey to hear her observation that all my meds are on very low doses - HELLO DEAR PDOC!!! time to listen to me. When the current meds don't seem to be helping the depression, maybe just changing them is NOT the answer - let's try up the dosage first!!! arg - now I'm in that mood of wanting to swap pdocs again - expensive exercise and more stress. Plus my T has never heard of this pdoc, and i think it's necessary that the two work together where necessary.
Right now I really think this T could be right for me. And if any of you remember, only a few days ago I was thinking of changing pdoc's anyway. (I've actually made an appointment with a new pdoc, but only end August, so I can and prob will cancel the app). The T says she's knows a few pdoc's she can refer me to. And with my occassional suicidal swings, having a T I can phone and a pdoc that cares when I say I'm in a spot of worry; it's all very important to me!

QA - hang in there. IF your moods don't improve, speak to your pdoc about changing meds

[sugahorse1]

My new T wants to do another test to check if it really is BP..?