psychosis in Bipolar

I had hallucinations as a child. Never as a young adult or adult. All my life thought I get this euphoria where colors are super bright. Like when you walk out of a movie theater, you know how everything is brighter till your eyes adjust? Except I'm not walking out a theater.

I'm kind of shaken up today (before reading here, mind you... ). Which brought me to this thread because I like to believe that I don't have these. But today I saw three things within about an hour... movements of things out of the corners of my eyes and turned to look, and there was nothing there. I realized that this is not at all the first time it's happened, and looking back, it's usually been when I'm very very depressed. Right now I'm under a metric ton of stress and wonder if that's playing into it. But I also just remembered one from a few months ago when I was convinced a vehicle was swooping in front of me and in fact it turned out to be a reflection in the side mirror. So... behind and to the side of me. Freaked me out good. I don't know if these "count" if you will. Reading some of the articles... makes me wonder about a few other things I experience. They all happen when I'm super depressed. I "see" my own death. Over and over. I feel like my head is just a skull, especially the eye sockets and that not only do I feel this way, but fear that others can see it as well. Intellectually, I *know* that they can't, but I'm afraid for them to see me anyway and especially afraid to look at them. Sometimes I get completely unhinged by thoughts of bugs. One really memorable time was when someone else had gotten spider bites. I became convinced that there were spiders in my hair and had to leave the workspace several times to scratch like crazy and check in a mirror. I could.not.shake it for at least an hour or two. Thank goodness I didn't "see" any, but by God, they must be there. I'd pull it together for a bit (twitchy, but functioning), go do some work, then have to run off again. I also have a sensation sometimes of my head kind of floating somewhere behind and off to the side of me, but that one doesn't worry me so much(!)

And yeah, greylove, I also have olfactory hallucinations. For me it's rotten chicken. Every time, rotten chicken. ."Can't you smell that??! Really?! No, seriously, take a good whiff." It was annoying and disconcerting, but I brushed it off. Maybe I just have a better sense of smell I thought. Yet there *was* no chicken. Anywhere. Rotting or not. For years now and as far as I can recall, it's usually been somewhere in the vicinity of bedtime, yet I'm fully awake and freaking out over it. Might be when I lay down to go to sleep, but am not at all asleep yet. Or I'll wake up, be really awake and up for quite some time continuing to smell it. I do have extremely convincing hypnopompic hallucintions, but know now that they are completely normal. Phew. But this is very different. I'm not just waking up, not even freshly up and walking over to touch a given non-existant thing, but _fully_awake. It's not fleeting, like the hypnopompics are, where as you wake up more fully you realize it's not there. These go on for quite some time... an hour or so??? (Will have to pay attention next time.) I'd read where they are sometimes thought to be connected to migraines,which I do have (like auras, which I have experienced and know are NOT hallucinations), but they happen in _completely_ different time frames. Like... months apart, so clearly not connected.

It makes me wonder, but I've never mentioned these, because I'm afraid of what it might mean.

Ahhh, Special-K, I have something a bit similar that sometimes happens when I go from light to dark, with flashing lights... kind of like a strobe, but not as intensely blindingly bright (I HATE strobes and can't handle them.). That one I did mention to the old P-doc and she suspected it was something neurological. I'm letting that one go, as there are bigger fish to fry, lol.

You know whats interesting. I had to write off the seeing things out of the corner of my eye. My psych wanted to put me on anti-psychotics & I have to say I really don't feel thats necessary. But there was one time years ago, I swear I saw a women at night in the middle of the freeway. Between lanes, right to my left. I drove past her going 80, I swear she was there. Or was she?
I was going to San Diego, and there is an immigrant issue. I never knew but it sticks with me.

Yeah, I hear you. I wouldn't want to be put on APs either (As they say of course... not that there's anything wrong with that. Because there isn't.), mainly because even if they *are* something, they don't really bother me. A bit disconcerting, yes, but they don't happen with enough frequency to bother, and more importantly, they aren't super concrete. If I frequently and concretely saw, say, totally 3-D non-transparent lizards strolling lazily around right in front of me on a regular basis, I'd probably feel pretty differently about that.
The only one that really bothers me to any degree is the rotten chicken smell. Thank goodness it doesn't happen all that frequently, because, seriously, it STINKS!!!

I remember this psychotic event I had once while driving, I was dreaming while driving or, at least, having something that felt as vivid as a lucid dream. I was in a star wars movie being filmed live with all the characters from the series. I remember this quite well. I made up new scenes like Yoda being able to call for me across time and space and transporting me to their galaxy telepathically.

It was really cool, actually, if it weren't a road hazard. Indeed, I got lost trying to get home. Nothing that should have been familiar was familiar. It looked and seemed like I was on an alien re-creation of earth different enough that I didn't recognize anything.

That wasn't the first time I thought I was on an alien re-creation of earth...there were times when I feel I am in an alien lab of some sort and they're telepathically probing me. During one of these times, I saw a shape-shifter transform from a shadowy presence into a human form. The police who were patrolling got to me and I thought they were angels in the classical meaning of the word: messengers from God.

That night I was 5150'd and I still thought I was in an alien lab re-creation of a hospital. I remember the face of the doctor in the hospital and I remember he spent a lot of time with me but I have no recollection of what was said; I don't know if I told him I thought the hospital was an alien lab. That intuition faded and slowly over a few days, the hospital became more concrete and "real."

Sometimes I fade in and out of this world.

I'm so glad this could be a productive discussion that so many people could add to - that we are NOT alone!

Thank you for posting this thread. It's something that I didn't have much information about, and didn't know was so common in bipolar. I was off medication for 10 years, and now I can see the delusional thinking I had, but always told myself that I just had different beliefs, or was smarter than most people, or more sensitive, or that most people are naiive and blind to "reality."

For one thing, I frequently have the notion that I'm being watched by Big Brother, for simply buying a political magazine, or whatever. There are times when I'm convinced my house is bugged, or that people going up and down the street are watching me. I feel persecuted, like I didn't get a job I applied for because they know I'm smart and not a conformist, and they want "sheep" working for them. I've even been obsessed with reading conspiracy books, and believe in the Illuminati taking over the world.

The problem is, there are millions of people who believe in conspiracies, aliens, and such, so how do I know when I'm thinking delusional thoughts, or if I'm just in a subculture? I guess I start to realize it's illness when it starts negatively impacting my daily life, and I'm living in fear. But, movies like Eagle Eye and 2012 don't help. Where does suspicios and unconventional end and crazy begin? There can't be millions of people with psychosis, so I told myself that I really didn't have a problem; I'm just part of a subculture and I think differently than conventional people.

Then again, maybe there can be millions of people with psychosis, if our water supply is tainted (psychotropics and other chemicals have been found in the water supply). Is it pollution, or done on purpose? I even think that since I've been drinking diet soda for 24 years, "they" must have put something in it to give me rheumatoid arthritis and bipolar depression, to make me powerless (probably just the aspartame, but I sometimes think they know I drink it, so they tainted it). These are the crazy thoughts of persecution that I have.

As for religious delusions, my religion (I'm Wiccan), believes in the existence of spirit entities and magic. Millions of Wiccans cannot all be crazy. And, for Christians, how do you know demons are real, or a delusion? Maybe all of humanity is crazy for believing things we cannot see, except for the athiests. Though, I realize now that there are some thoughts I've had which are clearly delusional. I once wondered if I was the reincarnation of Jesus. I have scars on both wrists (self-created), and I once dropped a gallon pickle jar on my foot, causing the bone to stick up. I also have a birthmark on the side of my back. So, I mused that maybe they were "imprints" of a past life and the crucifixion, and that even the self-induced wounds were fate causing me to do these things to create the imprints. I wasn't "convinced" of the idea, but now that I'm typing it, even thinking it may be true seems absolutely bonkers.

I have also heard voices, usually just someone saying my name. As I've said, I believe in spirits and telepathy, so whether it was somone's voice that I knew or not, that could explain it. Though, now I see that it could have been psychosis.

Lately, I've had the feeling that I'm living in a hologram. I think that the world isn't real, and I'm waiting to just "wake up." I think that the 2012 phenomena will be when this happens, and we will see universe as it really is. It could be a new-age subculture idea, but then again, it's probably just another delusion.

I've never mentioned any of this to my psychiatrist, for fear that I would be labeled schizophrenic, or schizo-affective. Now, though, I see that it's also a syptom of bipolar, and I'm not the only one. So, thank you all for sharing your experiences.

I have the same issue with not being sure if thoughts are delusional or just normal for a subculture I am in.

One clause in the DSM manual for delusion is that thoughts that would otherwise be delusional but are a part of one's religion or spiritual beliefs are not delusional. (As far as I know.) So things like telepathy, magic, spirits, etc., that are a part of your Wiccan belief system wouldn't be considered delusional I don't think.

I remember saying something to my Christian psychiatrist about some miracle or other and he said, "well, Jesus did it." But I believe I crossed the line into delusional thinking when I thought I was the second coming of Christ. And then there were times when I thought I was the anti-Christ.

I am morbidly obsessed with the light and the dark.

I think you clearly articulated yourself in terms of things that subcultures believe like the Illuminati, aliens, telepathy, conspiracies, etc.. You're concerned that such thinking might be delusional, I gather. I would hope that if you articulated the complete picture of your thinking that a psychiatrist would not jump to the conclusion that you're delusional, and not jump to the conclusion that you have schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder. An impartial test like the sanity score, available on this site for free, might prove enlightening on this point.

Finally, I would say that if your thoughts that border on delusional are hindrances, troubling, or otherwise emotionally negative, then that might be the sort of thing you could use help with. If you have an unusually high level of anxiety because you purchase the anarchist's cookbook because you believe you will be persecuted for doing so, that is the sort of thing that psychiatric assistance could be useful for.

On the other hand, if you can function to your satisfaction then I wouldn't say that medication or other psychological assistance is warranted.

These are all just my opinions.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 relatively recently, following the mania and the depression. After the suicide attempt, the diagnosis changed to Bipolar 1. I'm worried now that schiz-affective will be added to it......I've been reading about olefactory symptoms and also about internal body temperature being out of whack. I found myself telling my therapist about this, and she will have talked to my pdoc by the time I see him later this week. She can no longer work with me because she can no longer be of any help. I don't know what will happen next but it's a very scary scenario......

Had psychotic symptoms in a mixed state when I was on studies abroad and so alone out there. My sensations were so heightened, looking at bright colors (like red and orange) irritate me so much and it is as if I hear a lot of voices coming from near and far. I did not like to see myself in the mirror...it looked like I was turning into the devil. I felt there were hidden cameras watching me. I even thought people were entering my room and putting drugs on my water...It was really scary going through that experience alone...in a land so far away from home. Thank God, I'm back home.

Shakti, I feel for you. I hope you feel better by now.

Yesterday I saw a blood red spot on the floor......I thought it was a mosquito or a bug freshly killed. When I went for a tissue to scoop it up, it was just a dark little something that is actually still there. That is psychosis, right? I did not know there was a test for the sanity score on this site......I'm afraid to look.....I know I would fail it bigtime. I have had delusions in my one and only manic state.....I can recognize those after the fact but this is the first time I've experienced anything as concrete, but not real, as this bug thing, and I am very, very frightened. Can anyone identify with this?

I have on occasion been very afraid that I was losing my mind, yes.

WLFTW......you do know what I'm talking about......I feel like I'm on the edge and trying hard not to slip over. But you didn't. It is possible to climb back. I know I'm looking for hope, and you have given it to me more than once. Thank you.

I have slipped over...at various times in the past. But it is still possible to climb back. It is possible to prevent slipping over. I just was ill-equipped for doing so.

It is my challenge now......I wish I knew how close the edge is, but it's probably best that I don't......

Where that edge is is different for everyone I would say. I remember when I was in AA they would say there's no one standard by which one could say that yes they are an alcoholic or no they weren't. It was a matter of dependency. Likewise, in my analogy, the edge means various things to different people. One of my litmus tests is to ask 'can you function to your satisfaction?' Function means different things to different people though. I, for example, do not have a job at the moment but I function well enough to not be self-destructive, self-injurious, and such. I function to my satisfaction and so I wouldn't consider myself over the edge.

I would also say that once you're afraid that you're nearing the edge of the abyss, then is the time to start seeking help one way or another, when possible. I don't think medication is a panacea at all but it does help me. Even a low dose of something might be the little help you need to stay away from the edge. But that is a matter between you and your caregiver.

I would urge openness and honesty with your caregiver even if it means you get a new label or prescribed something that indicates something severe is happening. I would personally forget about labels and medications I have to take, when possible, and just keep my eye on the edge and see if I am being helped with the new tools (e.g., medication and therapy). I can understand the loathing of medication and labels but what's important here is preventing you from falling off the edge.

And even if you do fall off, it is possible to climb back.

So well said... labels mean nothing... they are just so that doctors can write notes and give drugs... to the individual they are meaningless - you are who you are, which at the moment is someone who is struggling, but if you look back, you have struggled before and you have survived. This will get better, but I remember all to well how bad it feels and how little hope there appears to be. Please stay strong coz from the other side I can tell you that there is hope and lots of it all my love, K

I've been seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist. My therapist will stay with me as long as I indicate she is helping me even in the least. We have reached the end of the road......she has been wonderful for years, but there is just nothing left that she can say to me, or I to her. She has tried to find me a specialist in bipolar, but there are none and I am beyond the point where therapy could help me.

I take Lamictal and now Seroquil. My psychiatrist just upped the Seroquel and and will increase the Lamictal next. We have been through Lithium and Abilify. Yesterday he broached the subject of ECT. This chills me to even write it. Even if I was open to it, I have no possible way of getting it and then maintaining it. I truly am in a desparate situation. I would take anything, do anything, if I could somehow awaken from this nightmare. Thank you for your posts. You are wonderful people to take the time to write them. I wouldn't wish this on anybody, but I'm grateful there is a place for me to spend some time away from my thoughts and fears.......all the best......greylove

I hope that your tools help you. I have been in living nightmares, and have felt truly desperate.

I am afraid to say that it took me years to adjust to the new, mentally ill me. Hopefully your experience won't be so drawn out. You haven't dropped into the abyss yet and I hope those tools such as medication and even posting on PC help.

I would thoroughly research ECT from the clinical and patient side of it before doing it. You did say though that you aren't in a position to do it anyway. I remember when my doctor broached that subject.. I assumed (perhaps rightly so) that it would cause a degradation in my intellect.

Thank you BlackPup, WLFTW.......I hope something starts working for me soon......there is a little less of me each day. ECT did not sound like something I would consider even if I had access. If something could go wrong, it would with me.......and I was always the eternal optimist. I will continue to cling to hope, continue to try to post on PC...... and love......greylove

I've become psychotic a number of times. During one period I was convinced my father was the spawn of Satan, and I was going to shave his head to find the 3 sixes. God was talking to me and I was in a battle of good vs evil. I refused to eat food my family gave because it had been poisoned. I also became convinced my Dad was actually my brother, and my grandfather was my real father. During another episode I was in the CIA and would get messages through a code in the Washington Post. I gave the staff a list of things I wanted for my mission. In another episode I was in a psych. unit on a river and thought a relative that was a Navy fighter pilot was going to attack the place and bust me out. Also, that my Dad had died in another part of the hospital. When my Mom came to see me I broke the sad news to her about him, and that she was being admitted to the same unit for her safety. During these I was given large doses of thorazine, which I took for about 7 years. Those are some of the things.

I've had a lot of similar experiences.

i was dxd schizo-affective because my psychosis occurred whether i was manic or depressed.

Shadow - if you feel comfortable, please share your psychosis experiences, especially during depression.
I've never really had grandious delusions, or totally believed in something that was false, but I still cannot get my head around my initial diagnosis involving psychosis...!