psychosis in Bipolar

Has anyone been dx'd with this?
What are the symptoms during a depressive episode, as I know this too does occur

I was diagnosed with psychosis during a manic episode. I wound up picking up a new personality, selected a new name (even changed it at the DMV), and begun my new life as an assassin for the CIA. Luckily, I didn't actually kill anyone. I don't recall much of my actions at the time but the therapists in the hospital I wound up at said I was scaring them. They put me on Geodon and the psychosis went away along with the new personality, disowning my new name and reclaiming my given name and resumed my dull life as an office drone.

I'm so very interested in the answers to this. I'd also like to know this...I'd like to see the ways in which our psychoses (temporary though they are) manifest as symptoms. We're all so different and sometimes I think what I'm doing/saying is normal and then later wonder if I was even connected in any meaningful way at all to present reality. Freaky stuff.

I have not been dx'd with this, but my saga involving having BP for YEARS and just now finally maybe almost getting in to see a pdoc (that the insurance will approve) this summer is long and utterly stupid. But every doc I have spoken to about my symptoms say they are likely at times "of a psychotic nature." I think things that just can't be right , have delusions of persecution especially (which are confusing to me because in the case of these "delusions" it turns out my family really did hate me with fire and brimstone and want to take me down/control me--I only was able to get a doc to believe this when I brought the other people who witnessed the drama that went down that resulted in my no longer knowing my "family"), but grandeur too (who in mania, or, nearly who, in mania has not at least touched the fringes of this one?). And sometimes I just feel like my thoughts/ideas are running on a train track just parallel to the one they should be running on. When I "get weird" I know I'm that way, but it persists. God, this is hard to pin down to words, isn't it?

Anyway, I eagerly await responses, Sugahorse! I'd like to be able to better identify AND articulate what I mean and feel and experience.

Also, manic psychosis and depression psychosis often seem to be of very different "flavors." This is of great interest to me too. I've never had a manic psychosis experience. if I've had them (and if I haven't then I must just wear my brain inside out) it is ALWAYS during a mixed state. I would say mixed state and depression, but the psychotic symptoms only come out once the switch the mixed symptoms happens. Then my brain is Pandora's box. I think.

It's hard to be objective about ourselves.

And I've never been violent. No matter where my head is, I'm not violent. So if I can think that clearly at much is it psychosis? Or do I simply not have it in me to be violent? I never have. I cry when little dogs are lost and when kids gets upset. I just could never ever hurt anyone...unless I was...psychotic. ARGH! See? Maybe psychotic symptoms and having a mental illness in which you are simply psychotic are just two totally different things altogether.

The depressive psychosis does seem to be very different from the manic one. Well, that's wat I've found on the net so far anyway. More like feelings of utter dispair and failure and worthlessness, when it isn't true, making worse of situations...
I want to find out more, as my first dx was Major Depressive Episode with psychosis - except I really didn't have delusions or hallucinations..?

When I'm in the state I'm in now (Trying to work out if it's mania or mixed) I tend to think of myself as fairly indestructible and powerful. I make authoritive decisions, reprimand people, and am generally quite strong-willed and loud. Not sure if that counts

When I go into hypomanic mode, I try to fight people. it's usually my friends, guys included. I feel like I could take on the whole world and win. Afterwards, everything seems like a dream. It's hard for me to distinguish what was real and what was not. I have gotten to the point that I isolate myself because I'm afraid that my switch will flip and I'll make a fool of myself in front of everybody or worse, hurt someone. It's really scary.

Today, after trying to go buy rat poison and then drive to NH to buy a gun (ended up crying myself into sheer exhaustion and not going) when I couldn't find rat poison (yeah, well, the disability rep spun my head and put me into total psychotic depressive crisis and I have been VERY not ok today), I sobbed for about six hours non-stop. Decided I was nobody, that there was nothing inside me but space. I have also become convinced (metaphorically, but it feels damn real) that my mind is the hell that all bad people go to and that my mind was chosen because it is almost big enough to contain them all, but they are all trying to climb out. ALL metaphorical, let me reiterate. But it feels so accurate. So anyway, when I finally calmed down enough to whip out my laptop while parked at a beach (my comfort place) to write a long suicide letter which included many diatribes directed at many people, but also a lot of love directed at others, I totally picked a fight with a perfectly nice man.

I parked in a corner spot by some bushes for privacy because I was freaking the **** out. Out of control. A total absolute mess. I was calming down finally (exhausted myself, I guess) and this man pulls up on a tiny moped and parks in between me and the bush, taking away my privacy. I was sitting in the passenger side since I had more room for my laptop sitting there, and before I could even think it, this came out of my mouth (loudly and fiercely): "Nice ****ing parking job you mother****ing ****ing ASSHOLE." I then clapped my hand over my mouth and tried to look away. I don't know how much he heard--his helmet was on and he hadn't yet turned the moped off. More quietly this time I kept repeating "****ing asshole ****ing asshole." He turned to me, nice as could be (and then rushed in the guilt and feeling so sorry for being a jerk, which is SO SO SO unlike me and I was so embarrassed) and he offers so politely to move. I still had on my ***** face (and very obviously red face and teary eyes) and said, "Do what you want, I don't care. Just stay there." I was a total prick and that outburst is NOT something I normally do. And the poor guy, he just wanted to put his moped in a quiet safe place and go sit on the beach. I felt so sorry and so ashamed. I almost went and found him on the beach and apologized and explained that I have some health problems and am stressed and that there was no excuse for how I acted. But I couldn't. I was afraid to walk on the beach for some reason, so I stayed in my car. Then I left, out of sheer embarrassment and sort sent an apology out into the ether for him. God, I feel awful.

So, psychosis? Depressive psychosis? I have to think there is some of that going on right now. But I just don't know. I'm pretty sure this is pure depression and not mixed state because while I am irritable, it is fairly minor and mostly I'm just absolutely as low as I have ever been in my life. This is the first time I have EVER taken steps toward suicide. I kept calling it "my gift to myself."

(For those of you who just read how utterly perfect I felt on my real Lamictal, well maybe it's an adjustment period...or maybe it's another medical problem I have that will be resolved this weekend that involves huge hormone issues...but today, I'm actually crazy, I think.)

I'm actually embarrassed to post this.

I wish I could somehow add a trigger icon somewhere on this after my last post...

My heart goes out to you Shakti, I've read about your battle with the fakemictal (not sure if I got that right ) and although I cannot in essence relate, I empathize with the hell that you have found yourself in...

I too have gotten extremely out of control due to unmedicated,depressive episodes,which only got worse because my parents just dismissed my behavior... I understand the desperation, the longing for escape, but you are NOT alone, you are NOT worthless, you are NOT just space. That is the illness talking, and it's LYING.

Please try to stay safe, I know that's way easier said than done in times of utter desperation, but even if it means checking into the hospital before schedule...

You need to take care of yourself, because YOU MATTER!

We are here for, you are not alone.
Please keep posting!!!!

I had the diagnosis of bipolar disorder with psychotic features.

At one point, I thought my blood was poisonous. So I tried to get rid of it.

Feel free to ask specific questions...

For a more scientific view, psychosis is when you have delusions and/or hallucinations. Delusions are thoughts not based in reality and, of course, hallucinations are usually when you hear or see something that is not really there.

I had my brain being eaten by maggots... it went away, I think there have been other times but it is from a time when I don't really have clear memories. (only ever during depression). My suicidal thoughts often seem not to be my thoughts - but I no they are in my head so I don't think that counts.
I don't worry about it, coz I know my brain's a bit funky, so it's just a bit of a loose wire or something - the meds help, and I have drugs that I can take when it gets out of control...

Shakti, love and prayers to you.
It is the worst feeling when things fall apart just when you thought they were getting better.
Take one day at a time, when that gets too hard, one moment at a time.
Don't beat yourself up about Moped Man, I'm sure he could tell you were having a bad day.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm hallucinating or if I can see things other people don't. Often enough, it's pretty clear I'm just hallucinating but other times, it's not so clear.

Anne - I don't think depressive psychosis is limited to those symptoms. hence I'd like some more info on this.
When I said to my new T that I had initially been dx'd Major Depressive Episode with psychosis, she wanted to know why the psychosis? I didn't hear voices or see things.

Shakti - I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time. It has been good that you have been able to share and write your feelings on a post to us.
Please do realise that you don't need to feel this way and need to get help. Please tell you're pdoc what you're going through, get him to organise inpatient for you for a while. You definitely need to ask for help and it's ok, there's nothing wrong with that!
Hope you're feeling a little better now though

Now this was in 1993 and I was 39. I went around naked in a psych ward and I remember laying down beside a guy I thought he was an ex-boyfriend of mine. I was locked up in a room without a bathroom for I don't know how long. I was in this psych ward 2 weeks and they kept telling my boyfriend they didn't know what was wrong with me. I had changed insurances at work and they called my boyfriend and told him to get me out of that hospital and to another hospital. I was there maybe 5 minutes and they knew what was wrong with me. But they gave everybody (no matter what was wrong with you) Haldol. I was there a week. I thought I was a good friend of Bill Clinton (president at the time and I work for the government). Just stupid stuff. The Haldol brought me down too down I was in a fog until I was able to see my pdoc. She cut the dosage down but she kept me on Haldol. She knew I was bipolar, too.
So much for history

My experience is similar. It was rough for me. My particular delusions were that the CIA was monitoring me, that I had a hugely important purpose to save the world and I felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I also believed I had magical powers though I still think that to some degree. I felt persecuted when hospitalized against my will and at one point, I thought I was hospitalized as a test. If I could get out declared stable then I passed the test. If I didn't, I fail the test. I constantly feel like some force is testing me and that I have a significant role to play, and that I'm being given by that force lessons that I feel I fail to learn.

It's good to know that there are others with similar experiences.

Winston

Here is more information from www.PsychCenteral.com under bipolar -

"During severe manic or depressed episodes, some people with bipolar disorder may have symptoms that overwhelm their ability to deal with everyday life, and even reality. This inability to distinguish reality from unreality results in psychotic symptoms such as hearing voices, paranoia, visual hallucinations, and false beliefs of special powers or identity."

Thanks Anne. I've googled it quite a bit too, and I just don't know why my records stated the psychosis part.

Sugahorse, I don't have a pdoc and won't for 6 months to a year. I'm in a managed system and it't out of my control. I have to just get bounced here and there until something finally comes through. Long story. Right now I see a social worker (yeah, pointless as hell, but he's very nice at least and being able to touch base with him makes me feel like I won't be forgotten and WILL get a pdoc eventually) who is in the same organization where I am on the pdoc wait list. In the same hospital is my general doctor who is managing ALL of my meds, conditions, etc, for the time being. If I have an emergency, I have a specific emergency services place I can call to arrange inpatient or I can go to an ER, but may be financially liable if not admitted. It's sort of a mess.

Funnily (I crack up at that word for some reason) enough, when I visited him yesterday I got the results from a diagnostic test I took last week. It is given to a patient and passed on to the soon-to-be-a-person's-pdoc to assist in diagnosis. On it is says, "This is a diagnostic tool and not a diagnosis itself, but each listed constitutes an extremely high likelihood that this diagnosis does exists and should be addressed immediately." So here's mine:

hypo and manic episodes
dysthymia
general anxiety disorder
major depressive episodes
OCD
Panic attacks
psychosis (without hallucination)

I actually felt relieved when I saw that...somehow validated...that I was not "just crazy"...that I was sick and my crazy was from being sick. If that makes sense.

He discussed the idea of psychosis with me and he said that my psychosis manifests in depression primarily, in mixed states secondarily. He said there do not have to be voices or hallucinations and that most people's ideas of what psychosis is is too limited and ill-informed. It can also consist of (and does for me) a sense of paranoia with or without delusional thoughts, delusions of persecution (I don't get those of grandeur), or simply feeling very detached from reality, even when you can actually tell what is and is not real...it just can seem unreal. This explained a lot for me. I am often paranoid for no reason, fearful that if someone is walking behind me they may hurt me, I often think people as a whole hate me, and sometimes nothing feels real even when I know I can reach out and touch it....I just wonder if my touching it is also not real.

Psychosis takes many forms. That's what I got out of it.

"or simply feeling very detached from reality, even when you can actually tell what is and is not real...it just can seem unreal. This explained a lot for me. I am often paranoid for no reason, fearful that if someone is walking behind me they may hurt me, I often think people as a whole hate me, and sometimes nothing feels real even when I know I can reach out and touch it....I just wonder if my touching it is also not real. "

Now THIS is what I can relate to.

Thanks so much for giving us a clearer indication on psychosis without hallucinations
Yay - I feel better armed with information

My impression of what psychosis without hallucinations is that it means having a delusion or more than one delusion. There are many classic delusions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delusion#Types

I'm not sure what else psychosis w/o hallucinations could be.

I currently have a delusion. The delusion of reference:
Delusion of reference: The person falsely believes that insignificant remarks, events, or objects in one's environment have personal meaning or significance. For instance, a person may believe they are receiving special messages from newspaper headlines.

I have that one very strongly.

I've also had delusions of grandiosity, persecution, religious, and somatic. I don't have those delusions right now except for the delusion of reference. It reminds me of a beautiful mind when Nash collected some newspaper and magazine clips and thought there was a code for him to decipher. I sometimes think tv shows are about me and that songs are written about me.

Are you saying delusions are not a part of psychosis? I'm not arguing...I'm actually just not understanding what you said (I just took my dopamax, er, Topamax, and my brain is doing it's froggy, er, foggy thing).

Delusions *are* within the umbrella of symptoms of psychosis....

I think I'm just confused. Grrr. I hope I get used to this med quickly. I think I literally didn't understand the words you wrote in the order you wrote them. ::le sigh:: Forgive me, WLFTW, if I seem retarded. I probably should just not be posting until an hour or so passes.

Yesterday I called a pillow a puzzle and didn't ever realize i did it until someone told me. Then I called a book a bubble. Later, trying to have a conversation in French with someone (my second language) I could not recall a single word. There were many tears. I think I'm just dumb now. Temporarily I hope!

For what it's worth I don't think you're dumb.

Maybe what you're experiencing is a case of aphasia.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aphasia

What I meant in my prior post is that psychosis without hallucination means having a delusion.

I'm think psychosis means hallucinations + delusions. So if you remove hallucination, psychosis = delusions.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychosis

Here is a pretty good article:

http://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-...oc/menu-id-67/

I'm just catching up on this thread. I so belong here. I can identify with everything that has been written and more. I just read about seizure "aura". Now I know why I keep smelling rubber, when it's not there......and why I'm chilled when it's really hot inside and out. I'm having trouble with words as well, writing "lamb" instead of "lame" and having to stare at it for thirty seconds to figure out what was wrong. This is a nightmare I can't wake up from and I'm hoping somehow, somewhere, a med is going to kick in and help......thank you for the honesty in your posts......it's where I'm drawing my strength from.