Learning to control my emotions

Hi all,

Just a little rant here, but anybody who's at this stage, or who has been here, I'd love some advice.

I've improved A LOT since last time I was on here which was maybe a year ago? ... That's probably totally inaccurate. Last time I was posting here I was having all kinds of ups and downs (mostly downs). I think this is beginning again because my shrink retired and now I'm doing that fun search for someone else...

Meanwhile, with the help of meds and an amazing therapist, I'm learning to recognize the beginnings of a temper tantrum. But that's as far as I've gotten - sure that's progress - but I'm tired of not being able to keep it inside sometimes!!

Like just now there was a very frustrating situation at work. I didn't go nuts or anything, but I was suddenly very *****y and short with everyone, even those who were trying to help me out. These days I'm aware that I'm doing this while it's happening, but that doesn't stop me from being a total b**ch to everyone. (I'm not sure if we can use these words on here?)

Part of this situation involved me driving, which was inevitable, and I was relatively calm (relative to past situations like this) and was able to drive not like a crazy manic fool.

So now I'm fine because the situation has been resolved, and I'm looking back to an hour ago, thinking, "Why couldn't I just deal with it internally and not let on that I have some serious emotional instabilities?"

-RK

I do that too. Just this last weekend I dont even know why I was irritated but I was incredibly b**chy to my best friend and sister in law. To the point that she said something to me. I guess I was being like that to everyone but she cared enough to tell me to cut it out. And then looking back I dont even know why I got like that. I guess its just who we are. Good luck!

Sometimes we get in a habit of reacting in certain ways from the time we were a child. Everyone around us can see it, but we can't as easily because we end up conditioned to it being the normal way we react when certain buttons get pushed.

It almost takes an outside person to point out when we are doing it because it's hard to see something that seems so very normal all of our life.

It's good that you are working on it & starting to become aware of when you are doing it....that is the first step because we can't change something we don't recognize. Then once we recognize what we are doing & when we are doing it, comes the hard part of catching it before it becomes the habitual reaction.

Don't know if you can inlist the people around you to help out & point out when you start to act that way so you can make sure you catch it like your friend did....that really is a great help. It's hard not to turn on them for helping though. It takes time to change any behavior that had become a habit.....just be patient....but be determined to change & you will succeed

Ack when I say "that's just who I am" my fiance says "You have the ability to change" to which I answer "PATIENCE grasshopper"... because I know I do. But really I'm just as impatient as he is.... and then I get frustrated with myself and the whole thing starts over again. Well I'm sure you know how it goes.... so good to know that I'm not alone in this struggle!!!

-RK

After 2 years with the world's greatest therapist (IMHO).... I'm learning that I need some serious time away from my family (meaning my parents and siblings)... because you are totally right Eskielover, a lot of it is learned behavior. And now that I'm recognizing these behaviors in myself, I'm realizing that my family wears their emotions on their sleeves too. I don't doubt that I'm really bipolar though, because I go from 0 to 1000 and feel the fire rise in me so quickly... so what I need to focus on is how I let that all out. I think because my mom blames everyone else for everything that goes wrong in her life, I unconsciously did the opposite, and I wind up internalizing it all - blaming myself and then taking that anger out out on everyone else.

But my fiance and I have a deal where he points it out to me when I'm starting to be irrational... which backfires sometimes if my temper has gone past the point of no return. I do think it's helping though. Some of these times I would really never realize that I was acting that way.



-RK

I do exactly the same. My boyfriend does have a hard time with me sometimes.
Even at work I really can lash out, and I know it's not appropriate in the work environment

Understanding what you are doing is a huge step to changing your behaviour. Think about what you could of done differently, then next time try to implement some of it. I try to get out of the situation, even if it is only for a few minutes to get away and get control of myself.

I've had terrible tantrums since I was a kid and I still can't control them... My relatives are wanting me to move away because of them, but I have nowhere to go. I'm not sure what to do.

To birdcrazy - Some people just don't understand that mental disorders are REAL, no less real than diabetes... you have these monsters in your head and it's a lifetime learning process to deal with them, because you can't make them go away completely.... it's just hard for some people to grasp. They're like "Why can't you just control yourself?"... Even after giving my SO a book to show him "Look this is a real thing!!" - examples of people who also have bipolar and do the same kind of stuff I do - he still has a hard time understanding that I can't just do the "mind over matter" thing (which he lives by).... really, mind over matter is a pretty lame idea when your mind doesn't function correctly in the first place!! So when I get physically sick as a result of an episode, he thinks I can just suck it up and play through the pain. He's trying so hard to understand, but how well can you really understand when it's a totally foreign concept? I dunno...

Makes me realize now that many years ago when my lil brother was diagnosed with (among other things) bipolar, depression, general mood disorder, narcissism (yeah that's a real thing too!!), I wasn't being fair to him. And I was going through some of that myself and I kept thinking that he can control himself if he really wants to. But that's just the thing - you can't control your emotions, but you can control how you deal with them.... easier said than done, right?

I've been there, what helped me was lithium. Ever since I started lithium I could recoglize an episode as it started & prevent it. I don't always suceed of course