[donnasvp]

My husband is 47 and was diagnosed as bipolar a year ago. He was a successful business man with a good career. Since then he has lost his job and will not look for another one. He says he is looking, but has not put out one resume. My daughter and I are filling out applications and putting out resumes for him online. I think he thinks staying at home sleeping is looking for a job. He lies to me about companies he has called, but when I look at his phone records he has not called anyone. I feel like I am treating him like a kid asking him what he has done that day and who he has contacted. He is an adult, he knows I cannot pay the bills without his help, but he has gone 6 months without working and doesn't seem to care about anything. I am at my wits end and I don't know how to get him motivated. I have tried to show him the bills and how deperate we are. I can't stop being pissed off at him all the time and I am tired of feeling this way. Help!!

[Shakti]

Bipolar very often makes working absolutely impossible and out of the question. Sounds like some honest talking is needed, as well as some understanding. I know it's frustrating. Bipolar comes with a lot of confusion, fear, anxiety, and also the obvious inability to control one's moods. I also was once a successful professional (and quite college educated). Now I'm a bipolar nobody who does nothing except try to stay alive. And that's literally all I can do. The dysfunction here is that no one is talking. Or being honest. So talk. And be honest.

Sorry to be so blunt but the working/bipolar things hits way close to home.

And of course he seems not to care about anything. That's depression. Part of bipolar. Maybe you and your daughter should speak to someone regarding bipolar so you can better understand it? It's a very very very very very serious illness. The pressure you put on him probably seems immense to him, even if it is reasonable.

Being pissed is perhaps natural but it will never help. He needs helps, not resentment. Not pity--help.

Also, he's a grown man. Your marriage has bigger issues than bipolar if you are snooping in his phone records. God, I'm being a *****. I'm sorry. I truly do not mean to, but these are the facts and I'm also bipolar and in a bad all mixed up state of mind, so I don't have much gentleness in me today.

You all need to talk. Well, you and your husband. Not sure why your daughter has a say in your husband's job situation. But that's clearly your business and there's no explanation so what do I know?

[Shakti]

Also, I know how scary and frustrating this can be. Abrasive as I sound right now, my heart goes out to you. This is difficult and will continue to be so. But with communication and taking some steps in the right direction it will be ok.

[sanityseeker]

I am sorry you are under so much stress right now donna. I commend you for coming here for some understanding and support.

Shakti has given you a good glimpse of what it is like to live with Bi Polar from the perspective of one coping with the condition. I too lost a great career due to the symptoms. I only recently came out of a year long depression that had me totally debilitated. Before that there were many other episodes of depression mixed with periods of mania and periods of mixed moods and rapid cycling. I was all over the place with symptoms. I left my job in 2003 when other health issues magnified my Bi Polar symptoms to the point that I couldn't function at all anymore. The anxiety had escellated to the point where I couldn't communicate without crying uncontrollable due to the stress of trying and I couldn't focus well enough to do much of anything.

Now that this particular episode of depression has broken I am more engaged in life but I don't know how long it will last so it is difficult to commit to much right now. I take it one day at a time living as 'normally' as I can while being cautious of potential triggers and attentive to my self care.

Work will not likely be possible for your husband at least not until the depression breaks. Professional help might be the only thing you can encourage him to do right now to help. If he joined us here we might also be able to encourage him in that direction. Finding out one is not alone is so valuable. Everyone who comes here will say that. For many it is the first step to looking for help elsewhere.

I know how hard this kind of stress can be on you and on your marriage. My marriage didn't survive my battle with Bi Polar. Hopefully you can get the communication happening with your husband soon enough so that together you can figure out what you can do towards that eventual goal of a return to some sort of employability.

For an income I now work from home as a management consultant. It allows me to accommodate my symptoms. I am not yet able to return to the workforce on a daily basis. I may never be able so I do what I can with the skills I have to work when I can. I have downsized my lifestyle significantly to live within my more modest means.

There is a lot of information to be found on PsychCentral about Bi Polar that might help you understand the condition and its symptoms so that you are better informed to identify what you and your husband can do moving forward. You might also be able to learn about the condition from your own family doctor or mental health agencies. Knowledge is power so start there and see where it can take you.

It isn't all hopeless but it is a long journey that needs to be managed day by day.

Wishing you well. We are here to support you.

[BlackPup]

Unfortunately, after being diagnosed with BP things don't magically get better. They often get worse, and there is often a long period before medications can be optimised, there are horrible side effects to deal with, the debilitating depressions which have already been mentioned.
What hit me the most was that I could no longer trust my own brain, which had previously been my greatest asset. I could not trust myself to be able to think clearly and to produce the quantity and quality of work that I expected of myself and that was expected of me.
I have never had great self esteem, but following my depression, diagnosis and the following years of medication trials (some people are more difficult to treat than others!), any shread of self esteem was completely gone. I could not imagine ever being good enough to be employed in any way.
This is a common experience amoung people with BP, where they underestimate their abilities and end up underemployed even when in remission... part of this is due to the concern of our ability to function when the next episode comes along.
I hope this helps you to understand what may be happening to your husband. I also want to commend you for your willingness to help your husband. I hope that you are able to find some way through this difficult situation.
I agree with the suggestion that communication is essential. My husband has supported me through this time, he is an amazing person and I often don't know how or why he did it. One thing that really helped, was his encouragement to take little steps. In my worst times, he would often call me to wake me up (he left early in the morning), then call me again to help me get through the difficulty of getting up and dressed and out of the house. (I know it sounds really stupid, but there were many days that I just couldn't get out of bed, or leave the room, or leave the house - when you think of what you do in a normal morning, get up, have a shower, find clothers, get dressed, breakfast, clean up kitchen, feed dog etc... it becomes overwhelming and completely impossible, the littlest things become inhibitry and my only response was to run back to my room and hide - and I mean really little things, like the clothes being downstairs in the laundry, or not having a towel in the bathroom!)
I guess I am going into such detail coz I want you to understand how broken my brain was. I don't know what your husband feels, but maybe it is something like this.

For the immediate future, I would suggest you support and encourage his treatment, both complience with medication and any therapy he is recieving. Also try to encourage him to move forward with baby steps. Both your expectations and his expectations need to be appropriate for the situation he now faces. Some days, getting out of bed is an achievement, others, going outside or doing housework. As things get better then a flexable or part time job would definitly help both his recovery and your finacial situation. You may also be able to get some assistance.
I am sorry if this is not what you wanted to hear. It is a long and hard journey and I wish you all the best with it.

[kadesgirl09]

(((donna))) I want to hug you for what you are going through. I have bipolar as well and have a very hard time working. So I applied for disability to help with the loss of income. Since your husband had a good job then he should bring in enough in disability to help pay the bills. I also work part time now that I can to help with the income but I know that is only while I am feeling "ok". Once the depression or mania hits, its best for me not to work. I agree with what everyone here has said and hope you can find some peace with your husbands illness.

[lisadhum1]

Donna,

After a year of searching for a job (which in Michigan isn't easy), my husband finally got an offer. He had been depressed because he wasn't working so I thought this would be encouraging for him. After his recent I guess, breakdown or episode, he called them back and told them he didn't want the job and he hadn't even started yet! I understand work may not be possible especially as he gets worse so I've been making plans to be the bread winner so I can take care of him but unfortunately he disappeared 2 weeks ago. I still plan on doing what I can to help him if he comes back...it's my duty as a wife and I'm getting a lot of flack for saying that but I'm old fashioned when it comes to marriage. I married for better or worse and in sickness and health and my helping my husband through his Bipolar is what I live for. I've been told to just let him go and move on with my life since he can't contribute like he's supposed to. I think that's crap. I guess my point is, is your husband worth this frustration you are going through? If he is then you have to do whatever you can to sustain your marriage and support him but you have to do some soul searching and change yourself too.

Originally Posted by BlackPup

What hit me the most was that I could no longer trust my own brain, which had previously been my greatest asset. I could not trust myself to be able to think clearly and to produce the quantity and quality of work that I expected of myself and that was expected of me.
I have never had great self esteem, but following my depression, diagnosis and the following years of medication trials (some people are more difficult to treat than others!), any shread of self esteem was completely gone. I could not imagine ever being good enough to be employed in any way.
This is a common experience amoung people with BP, where they underestimate their abilities and end up underemployed even when in remission... part of this is due to the concern of our ability to function when the next episode comes along.
... it becomes overwhelming and completely impossible, the littlest things become inhibitry and my only response was to run back to my room and hide - and I mean really little things, like the clothes being downstairs in the laundry, or not having a towel in the bathroom!)

Originally Posted by Shakti

... the working/bipolar things hits way close to home.
And of course he seems not to care about anything. That's depression. Part of bipolar... It's a very very very very very serious illness. The pressure you put on him probably seems immense to him, even if it is reasonable.

This. So very much this that words fail. Shakti does not overstate in saying it's a very very very very very serious illness. And one of the worst parts is that we are wracked with guilt. We know we are letting people down. We know that the bills are due and we must rally. But when we're like this we CANT. Not don't want to. CANT. We wish to the very bottom of our soul that this were not so. We know that people who have not experienced this think that we're lazy, or that we don't understand the gravity of the situation. We understand. All too well. We know what's at stake. And it's FAR FAR MORE than anyone outside this reality can conceive of. It's more than what is going on outside. It's our very selves. It's unbelievably isolating. It's watching the ultimate destruction play out in slow motion yet being trapped and helpless to do anything about it. Then we hear "just" do this thing, or that. Like BlackPup said, it really is the towel in the bathroom, or the sock on the floor.

Donnasvp, I "am" your husband right now. Same age. Same length of time unemployed. In this state, imagine the sock. Just seeing it might well send me into a curled up mess in the corner on the floor. The bed is simply too high. Now try to imagine looking for a job in this state. The putting yourself forward, the rejection. The sock is an inanimate object. It can't speak. It's can't judge, yet behold its power to destroy. Dealing with the animate -- who can and will judge, (for what is job hunting if not putting oneself up for judgement?)-- is absolutely inconceivable. When a sock can send you over the edge...

A sock. It doesn't make sense, does it? It doesn't make sense for us either, but there it is. Trust me. We judge ourselves far more harshly than anyone else ever could. So if you are frustrated and baffled, just think of the sock and how harshly we judge ourselves over it.

It sounds like your husband is having a hard time expressing his state of mind to you. Please have him read this. I know if it were me, I'd either start bawling uncontrollably or just stare at the screen and nod almost imperceptively.

I am in the same boat, but also trying in futility to get help. Rejection after rejection... we could help you but... for a single penstroke (BP I = serious MI, BP II (ah, there's that single penstroke...), even though it has a higher suicide rate = not serious(!) So not true and I just don't understand. This from the people everyone assumes should know better. No insurance, no money, living just on the "wrong" side of an imaginary line (county), having a roof over my head (for now), being too old (yes, really), not taking any new patients, believe me, I've heard it all. Everyone either doesn't even return phone calls or recommends all the places I've already tried. And tried. I am beyond exhausted. One more rejection... I just don't know if I can handle it. Yet I know if I don't get this, I can't handle the job thing. It's a vicious circle. And immobilizing. If you have any resource at all, use it. Help him break the vicious circle. With help he can pull out of this. Without, he may not be able to, or not in a timeframe that your relationship can handle. In helping him, you are also helping yourself.

Please help him. It is the absolute nadir of human experience.

(Btw, I have to say that I don't lie. Lying is NOT part and parcel of BP. But your husband probably just doesn't know what else to do in this situation...)

[Karen1933]

Although it's not my husband (but sometimes I wonder if it could be), I can relate to this because it's my daughter who should be self-supporting, at least somewhat, but just can't seem to do it.

She's had a couple of jobs...lasted a couple of months...enrolled in Job Corp (US government program for college certification)...only lasted a couple of months also.

Blackpup and Innerzone explained this perfectly...it opened my eyes as well. It's not a not want, it's a can't. It's hard for someone like me to grasp that...I can't fathom why on earth you would not have a job??? Minus the economy issue, of course.

Knowing what I know now about bipolar and mental illness in general, I believe I had the same issue with my husband once upon a time...but didn't recognize it. Looking back over the 25 years I've been with him, many, many things have become clearer.

It's good to encourage, support, praise, etc. The lying gets to me too...it's maddening, honestly. Lying I think comes because they feel so horrible about themselves. But, when you think about it, if they were to say that, it wouldn't change anything, so why bother? I wonder if it's like pouring salt in an open wound?

The last job my daughter had lasted 2 days. She was elated to get it, but only lasted two days because...I don't know. I know what she told me, but I think even she couldn't tell you what was going on inside her untreated bipolar mind. She would just get mad...then the depression set it...

Encouraging him to seek therapy or even just to talk to his family doc might open the door...I know with my husband, the biggest problem is that he may have talked with someone, but never took it to the next level...he kept shutting it down himself.