[Special-K]

This is the thing, we are driven to earn as much money as we can. Its like that is the point of life.

I recently learned I function on the hypomania level. This is how I've been able to be successful in my carrer for 11 years but it certainly doesn't mean I function as well in society.

I now have a daughter, she is 15 months old. I find it so depressing that I see her as much as I drive on the freeway to work & back. I'm not even raising my daughter.

I have the ability to do my job faster than any of my coworkers. I always have. I've never had a job that kept me busy all the time. So the remainder of the day (which is hours) I just sit here with nothing to do & think about all the things I wish I could/should do.

I'm in a unique situation with the company I work at now where I'm alone all the time. This is good because I am not irritated by people that are slow asking me dumb questions resulting in me just doing it for them. However it gives me far too much time to think.

I just feel society today is like a system that makes me feel like a failure. I feel like I'm purchased between 8-4:30 M-F & I have to run everything by my work. Even if I need to be out I'm like stressing over notifying corporate. Why? I shouldn't have to, but this is society. Your not allowed to need anything, be sick or want anything for yourself during the hours you've been purchased for. I feel like work takes away from raising my child & I resent it.

How do you feel about society?

Originally Posted by Special-K

This is the thing, we are driven to earn as much money as we can. Its like that is the point of life.
I have the ability to do my job faster than any of my coworkers. I always have. ...I'm in a unique situation with the company I work at now where I'm alone all the time. This is good because I am not irritated by people that are slow asking me dumb questions resulting in me just doing it for them.
How do you feel about society?

Hoooooo sheesh, that's a loaded question, Special-K! Don't get me started... But for starters , I absolutely LOATHE the expression, "peak earning years", because, allegedly, that's where I'm "supposed" to be right now. Far from it. I can't even deal with magazines and articles or even being around people that are a constant reminder of my being soooo out of that reality. Ok, granted, magazines and such aren't reality, but even being with people who think they "don't make that much", makes me laugh. You know, cynically. A big part of it is where I started... smart, super good grades, "destined for great things", you know? I didn't lose the smart part and tend to gravitate towards people I can have an intelligent conversation with, who in fact in many instances *have* done all that. I just lost my footing and never got it back. It's kind of painful really, even though I thoroughly believe we have a majorly f***** up mentality as a society. And I just want to shake the bejeebers out of people who equate smarts with money or what one does for a living. It's *far* from an absolute and brings out the most heinously rude behavior in people. I remember one time when I had a cleaning business and a client's friend made some socially dismissive comment to me. The client was mortified, and after she left, apologized profusely (this client had money, a glamorous sort of job and would ask my advice all the time...) I told her, "No worries. What she said says more about her than it ever could about me." End of story and something to remember. But... say on something like FB (which bores the pants off me), I see people that I hung out with in HS. And even though part of me is curious to say hi, the part that wins out is the one that has a complex over what they've done vs. what I've done. And it's so so so stupid, I know. But the big fear is that someone will unwittingly blurt out the question I dread. "What happened?!"

Money is definitely NOT the most important thing. Not even close.

Hehe, hear you on the doing work faster than the coworkers thing. Faster, smarter, better. Not to brag, it's just true. But then I hit the points where I just want to crawl under a table and hide. Argh! When it's down but not in a big way, I use work to outrun my own mind... keep the demons at bay. It works. Usually. For awhile.

Ok, but back to society... I keep it simple (granted, monetarily, there is no choice, but philosophically it's my bent anyway) and try not to get caught up in it all. Even in attitude, let alone possessions. It helps.

[sugahorse1]

I am in a job that pays the bills, and not much more. The corporate world is cut-throat, so I see colleagues always pleasing the senior management in hope of a promotion. I'm different in that I wear my heart on my sleeve, have an opinion and say it. Not good for the corporate world, but that's me.

Especially recently I've been battling with major mood swings, affecting my work, so I prefer to not have to sign in with someone every 2 hours, but I can work around my moods.
I do however wish I had a more fulfilling job. 8-5 M-F is a long time to be doing something one doesn't really enjoy. But not paying bills is also not an option.
I also spend most of my day chasing up others, and often wish i could just take it over from them and do it myself.

[StarryNight]

Specil-K and InnerZone: You have managed to write EXACTLY how I feel, but never seem to have the words to express. I'm usually irritable and pessimistic, and I don't think there's a medication on Earth to change that- it seems like it's a fundamental part of my nature. When I'm in a mixed state, I'm full-out furiously angry at the whole world.

I graduated high school 20th in my class of 415. I was in the Honor Society. I have a 140 IQ. I was on the President's List in college, where I got an associate's degree in liberal arts. "Liberal Arts" is just a euphemism for "Do you want fries with that?"

So, with all of my great potential, what is my illustrious career? I'm a MAIL CLERK. I dropped out of college and went back 3 times before I finally got my 2-year degree. That's the problem with bipolar: highly intelligent, but so totally screwed up in the head that I don't know where I want to go, or which way is up.

If you have ever heard of a poetical piece called "Native American 10 Commandments," one of the commandments for living in harmony with nature is "Rise and retire with the sun." Every morning I wonder what sick, demented freak created alarm clocks and decided that humans should wake up at 5:30. Society wasn't ordered for us to be happy. It was ordered by money-grubbing capitalists and politicians who use us as work horses and treat us like cattle. At times when I'm angry, I can't decide who I'm angry at- them, or myself, for losing all of my dreams and not staying focused on a path.

It's true that those at the bottom income rung are treated as though we're imbecilles. I spent 14 years at retail jobs, and believe me, when you're standing behind a cash register, you're everyone's favorite target. And, people blame you for things that are decided by corporate, as if you have any control over the policies. One instance that I remember from a convenience store job was when a woman remarked about an instant lottery ticket with a top prize of $1000/week for life. She said, "That would be nice, but I'd still have to work because I couldn't live on that." At that time, I wasn't even making $1000 per MONTH! I just wanted to reach over the counter and punch her in her snooty, sheltered, yuppie face. There are so many out there who have never experienced the REAL WORLD- walking 3 miles to work because I couldn't afford a car, applying for food stamps, using coffee filters for toilet paper or dish liquid for shampoo because I didn't even have a dollar, eating at the rescue mission, etc. One time, when I was applying for food stamps, the caseworker told me I'd have to get a GED- and I already had an associate's degree! She just assumed I was uneducated because I was poor.

Fortunately, my mail clerk job now puts me at lower-middle-class. Life has gotten better financially. But, I'm still at the bottom rung where I work, with some people making $60,000-$80,00/year. And, not to get political, but these are the same people voting down raising the minimum wage, because it will "hurt small businesses." If the business owners weren't taking home triple figure incomes, they could afford to pay the people on the bottom (who do most of the work) a living wage. I vow that if I ever end up financially well-off, I'll never forget where I came from.

But, this is America, the "land of opportunity." Yah, right. I only wish I could afford to go back to college. Most days I wake up with the feeling of "Why bother?" even when my meds are working. I'd love to be able to stay home, to read, and paint, and spend time with my husband. The majority of our society isn't working to get rich, but to get by. It's the top few percent that gets rich off the labor of others.

Ok, I think I'm done ranting. Seriously, you hit a nerve in me. But, I completely understand the feeling that society's priorities are twisted, and this life has to be a nightmare.

[NuckingFutz]

Hamster + wheel = society. I am not part of the money game anymore because I noticed how much I was missing out on the good things in life. As long as I create a cozy home for myself, can put healthy yet yummy food on the table, have time to go for walks enjoy a good book, spending time with my cats I am richer than the lady that was speeding through the rain in her big gas guzzling SUV that soaked me to the skin. She did not even notice that she got a fellow human being wetter than if she had poured a bucket of water at me. And for what? Money? Maybe they are slaves to money. Maybe some people are so blind to that concept that they do not know they are slaves. We build better and faster technology to make our lives better only to have to work faster-faster to get more-more-more. As a result we really do not even get to know the people in our lives. I am not a hamster and proud of it!

[Ygrec23]

Hmmmm. There really are several sides to this story. Many years ago I was in the working situation described by Inner Zone and Special-K. I wanted out, and I got out. I went to work for myself in private practice as a divorce mediator. The money wasn't very good, but I was really satisfied with what I was doing: helping people in tough situations. Well, there wasn't enough to put into IRA's or 401-k's or retirement accounts and all that. We don't live high by any means, but there was just enough to get by. And that went on for twenty years. Then came this Depression (let's not fool around about terminology). And the kind of people who are my clients (not the elite), just didn't have money any more to even think about divorce, unless they did it entirely by themselves, without lawyers and/or mediators. And that cut our income by 80%. Every month (or every week) there's a new crisis: the electric bill, the phone bill, the mortgage, whatever. Yes, I got what I wanted for twenty years, but now, when I'm retirement age, there's nothing there at all. Yes, the American corporate world is entirely screwed up. I agree. But you folks with paychecks every two weeks or every month, with some kind of pension or benefits at the end of it all, have something that a lot of people like me would sure like to have. It may be only that the grass is greener, etc., but think about being foreclosed, going bankrupt, trying to find a relative to move in with and new work in a new town at age 65. Believe me, social security won't do it all. And there'll come a time when you retire and do what you want/can afford. I'll be working until the day I die.

Take care.

[perpetuallysad]

I have so many opinions about this, but cannot seem to formulate them into coherent thoughts right now. I am glad to know I am not alone.

Originally Posted by StarryNight

Specil-K and InnerZone: You have managed to write EXACTLY how I feel, but never seem to have the words to express.

Well , StarryNight, you also have expressed so much of what I feel. You have ranted my rant and put specifics on so much common ground.
Hear you on that lady. Couldn't live on $1000 a week??!! Seriously lady? I would pass out of happiness and disbelief if I ever made that much in a week. It's simply inconceivable. Had a similar experience to yours with unemployment one time. Prefaced by the need to drop out --massive depression-- on the first go, then managed a 2 year 10 years later. Graduated top of my major even. Ok, so back to the unemployment (sorry, very scattered today). The unemployment lady gives me a look and said, "Honey, you really ought to just learn some computer skills so you can get a real job." You know, instead of working in the field my degree was in(!) (This was before computers were as widespread.) Granted, it was seasonal, $6/hour and very physical work (often lifting things not that far off my own weight and out in the weather for 11 hour shifts.) But sheesh! It was the best job I'd ever had up to that point in 13 years of working. (The worst was crazy shifts waitressing for $2/hr (and dishwashing too, so it was an illegal wage, but I was desperate), tiny tips (sweeping coins off a 6-top sticks in mind) *and* as if that weren't enough, the policy was that if anyone ran out on their bill (which happened on a pretty regular basis) I'd be expected to pay half the tab out of my "wages". Knowing this was numerically impossible, more than once I chased people out into a dark parking lot at 2 am. Illegal? Probably. But not exactly in a position to push it. On food, (another job) brought home a 25 lb bag of rice that'd gone buggy. Rinsed it in batches, so the non-rice bits would float to the top, drained it, then dried it off swishing it around in a hot wok. People think this is really gross, but damn -- let it go to waste?? Goes without saying paid time off is an alien concept.
Really though, not to get into a contest or anything (lol no, really), but to say that I soooooo hear you about the real world and the sting and disbelief of hearing someone say they "couldn't live on" $1000/wk.

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Hmmmm. There really are several sides to this story. Many years ago I was in the working situation described by Inner Zone and Special-K. I wanted out, and I got out. ... but now, when I'm retirement age, there's nothing there at all. ..But you folks with paychecks every two weeks or every month, with some kind of pension or benefits at the end of it all, have something that a lot of people like me would sure like to have. ... And there'll come a time when you retire and do what you want/can afford. I'll be working until the day I die.

to you too Ygrec23. You do have a scary situation for sure. I'm 47, been working 30 years, and though many things have sucked, I still have time and health to deal with these kinds of jobs. Pension and benefits. No kidding huh? The only job I ever had that had a retirement plan?... 6 years working. One deposit. $100. And working till the day you die. Yeah, like what choice is there, right? Me too. So, guess I didn't make things very clear on the earlier post. I was never "in" to get out of.
(Do want to add though that, though it's always been modest, it hasn't always been so bad. And many others certainly are in harder situations. Much harder. I've always had a roof over my head but for 2 months -- but that was by choice. When I was married, we managed to do alright. Nothing fancy, but no complaints. Divorced now, and the real world is back to scaring the bejeebers out of me, but try to remember that I've done this before. Have the "skill set" so to speak. )

Sorry to write such a long post. Other situations have been overwhelming me lately (but am afraid to post about for fear of being recongnized. Hello paranoia.) and the writing helps in *not* thinking about those for a change. Thanks for indulging me!

And edited to say, YES! It certainly must have been a demented freak that invented alarm clocks! LOL!

[Lauru]

I feel our society values less important things over others. Society values lots of money and a full time job with a spouse and 2.5 kids in a house with a white picket fence. Unfortunately, for those of us with bipolar, these requirements often cannot be met. I am on disability, long term, and I can only work part time. I have to focus on my health or else I won't have any job and I'll be in the hospital. The disability is not enough to live off of, of course. I feel like I am denied, belittled, and ostracized, as well as feared and pitied because I have bipolar. I am tired of it. Sick of it, actually.

[sanityseeker]

I think I am finally coming full circle on this issue. My story is similar to Ygrec. I am a 56 year old single parent to a 16 year old boy trying to make ends meet working part time from home as a management consultant. Work dried up at the start of the new year and it doesn't look to pick up any time soon. Bi Polar and other health issues caused me to give up my senior management salary and pension benefits 7 years ago. Any savings are long gone. I will be working until the day I die.

Even though I was in a good job before my health forced me to quit I was never one to stick to a job or even care about a pension before I got old enough to realize what a gift it would be. Now that I see co-workers and friends prepare for a comfortable retirement I think I was foolish to undervalue it when I was young enough to protect my own.

All of my working life I was more interested in doing what stirred my passion then preparing for retirement or earning brownie points with society. It wasn't until I lost my capacity to perform in those arenas that I started to fear judgement for my lost status.

Recently I have come to realize that the judgement I was feeling from society had more to do with me judging myself than anything else. I felt shame. I blamed social pressure but I think perhaps that might just be a scape goat. I avoided friends on facebook because of my own shame. Since taking the risk I am amazed at how non judgemental they are about my more modest life circumstances. Regardless of my income level they still admire me for me. They aren't nearly as snobby as I thought they would be. They have taught me to not be a snob about my life either.

I am actually starting to take pride in the way I have been learning to adjust to life with less. Money doesn't own me so much anymore. I don't need as much money as I thought I did to get by if I am more careful with it and if I find other means to get what I need. I am gradually making a lifestyle change that isn't so money centred.

I get what people are talking about by social pressure to fit a particular mold but I have never fit the mold even when it looked like I was living it. I am happy to be out of the race and having more control of my time. Yes it would be nice to have a pension ready to come in but it hasn't worked out that way. I don't know how I am going to make enough money even next month to make ends meet but I will one way or another. I have many marketable talents to earn money with so somehow it will work out. More important to me right now is weening myself off the need for more money than I really need. I am discovering I need a lot less then I thought. A whole lot less then I used to go through when it came in regularly and in relatively large amounts.

There is more to life than money but it does take adjusting so that we can get what we need without it always involving an exchange of money. I can trade goods and services for other goods and or services to fill the gaps here and there. To get out from under the pressure of the job grind and money trap one needs to rethink how they approach life, what they value most and how they can fullfill basic needs without money changing hands. We are limited only by our own limited imaginations.

[onomonapetia]

"That's the problem with bipolar: highly intelligent, but so totally screwed up in the head that I don't know where I want to go, or which way is up."

^^^^This.

I too was on the president's list in college as well, who's who in high school...I didn't finish, but instead got a wild hair to join the Air Force, and I loved every second, until a disgusting tech seargeant decided that talking about all the things he wanted to do to me wasn't enough for him so he decided he wanted to start touching me. This is what triggered my first manic episode and then I was diagnosed and swiftly booted out on my ***. Since then I have never been the same, never been able to get it together. I am still just as smart as I was, but I can't ever put it all together so it makes any sense.
Sorry I am ranting. My point was that I agree, people have such a marred view of what kind of life is "appropriate," that for the rest of us, we are seen as failures.
The sad part is, most of us here are probably way more intelligent than those regular shmoes out there anyway, but at least in my case it will never come out because all people see is that something isn't right about me.

[sanityseeker]

((((((onomonapetia))))))))

[BlackPup]

Wow... there are some amazing stories and interesting ideas out there....

I have had to change my perspective since my illness capsized my life. For so long after I felt like a complete failure. I thought that every time some one looked at me or asked what I was doing, they were thinking LOSER...

Then I began to see how much more there was to life than living up to societies expectations... I feel successful because I have survived my illness... I see value in relationships, love, helping others, raising children (hopefully!)... all the things that our society does not value. I want to spend the rest of my life doing something that impacts on other people's lives, I just don't know what yet...
I am friends with a lot of people that are "successful" by societies standards, I see their pretty houses and cars and overseas trips, but I'm OK with it... and they don't mind that we don't have all those things (which is a big surprise...)
I have a roof over my head, a car that works, a husband (and a dog) who love me - I am lucky

[sanityseeker]

BlackPup, more and more I feel just as you do about how things have turned out. I feel pretty lucky too all in all. I count my blessings rather than grieve my losses. At first it was a very hard blow and getting out from under the self judgement is a most difficult challenge amid the health issues that turned everything upside down.

I am glad to hear you have found peace on the other side and a new measure of success for your life. Its a good thing.