[thinker22]

I haven't even been able to write about this before now. I was too overwhelmed. I am still volatile and my body is jerking and I'm crying at the slightest things, but my head's a little clearer this morning.

The short version is, I have state insurance and private insurance through my school. Somehow the two found out about each other and my state insurance cut me off from prescription coverage because the other one has some coverage ($1,200 per year). Before this I was getting all of my extremely expensive Rx's for like a $1 copay because I am destitute, way below the poverty line and disabled (by both the state and social security's definitions). The school insurance is something automatic that goes along with my tuition and I just found out that I can opt out of it, which I am doing for this fall, but for the summer I only have that limited amount and over $900 of it was used just for one refill of Geodon ($40 copay) that will only take me through to August 25th if I ration it. I am rationing Wellbutrin and I will run out of it on August 28th, having only half the dose I should be having especially with my depression running high.

The state insurance will not pick up where the school insurance leaves off. I have to be totally off their roster before I can re-enroll in their program. Once I am off of the school insurance, I will no longer be able to see my therapist or my psychiatrist because they don't take the state insurance plan. Basically I had to choose between meds or doctors and I chose meds because they're so much more expensive and on the state plan I can see their doctors, it's just long waits and I'll have to start all over again with my history and dragging it all up.

It was an impossible choice, but I made it. Now I'm resigned to run out of pills before I can re-enroll and to have to say goodbye to my doctors at the end of August.

I worry that the school insurance will somehow cut me off for even the rest of this summer if they find out I won't be re-enrolling for fall.

All of this and I had a terrible session yesterday in therapy that nearly sent me to the hospital. We talked about my past (which I'd been avoiding for the previous year plus) and it opened up a bottomless well of pain. It still hurts and I'm pacing and jerking and crying, as I said at the top.

I'm supposed to go fly to see my family tomorrow, but my T advised against it since the source of my pain is with them. I don't hate them or anything, there's just a lot of hurt there. And being with them for a week...

I was such a wreck yesterday that my T let me make an emergency appt for today (I never see him twice a week) and to come with my partner. That is at noon. My T thinks I need a 2-3 week inpatient program, but when we found out there's no such thing in the area, he said, "You always have the option of the hospital." I am emotionally unstable. I don't know what to do. I don't want to let my family down. They bought the plane tickets and they made dr's appts for me. This is part of what we're talking about in today's session.

All I want is your support. I feel so wrecked. I just want to cry because I feel trapped and like I have no good options. Hospital or family seems like a terrible punishment.

[Moreta]

The hospital can seem like a terrible punishment, but you will get the care you need during your time of crisis. Going to see your family is probably not the best option for you, especially if you are working through your past in therapy. There are some days I can just see my mother, and I will fly off the handle.

Maybe you could ask you dr. if they can get you samples of your medication. I know when I'm going through tough times, my psych will give me enough samples for a month or two.

[blueoctober]

thinker22 so sorry you are going through this right now and it's brutal that you had to choose between meds or your psychiatrist. That's disgusting.

Certainly talk to your therapist about the trip to see the family. Guilt is the worse, but you need to take care of yourself right now and if that means not seeing them that's what you need to do. My parents are a huge trigger for me and I haven't spoken to them since May, so I can relate to the guilt.

I hope that your therapy session goes better tomorrow and you are feeling a bit better. Take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[Lauru]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. The insurance and the government will always find a way to sc**w you if they can. It is sad that we have to make such difficult decisions. Do ask your pdoc for some samples if he will do that. Some drug companies also have a patient program where they can get free or reduced meds.

I agree that you might want to put off the family visit while you are so upset about your past. It won't do anyone any good if you go to family and fall apart. The hospital may also be a good idea. You are going through such stress right now you may need that break to breathe and regain yourself.

Best wishes, as always

[thinker22]

Thanks everyone for your support.

I've decided to fly out to see my family for the week. Yesterday my depression dropped down to a manageable level, but my anxiety was high. I called the pdoc and instead of more diazepam or Geodon, she suggested that Geodon may have been causing akasthesia, which is why I felt all shaky and like I was crawling out of my skin inside...hence the anxiety and nervous energy, she said to take 50mg of Benadryl last night and see if that helped. So far I don't feel anxious or jittery this morning. Kind of calm really. Still have the urge to pace when I stand up, but it's much better. She also called in an Rx, in case Benadryl doesn't help over the next few days, so I can pick it up at the pharmacy before my trip today. Can't remember what it's called, but it counteracts akasthesia.

I can't believe how much better (almost normal) that I feel today just after taking the Benadryl last night. I hope it lasts.

I will try to stay in touch on my trip. I'll have my computer. I'd miss you guys anyway if I didn't check in. I think I'm going to be okay. At least that's how I feel this morning. Having hope is nice for a change.

[Moreta]

She probably called you in a prescription for Congentin. That's what I had to take,

[thinker22]

Maybe that's what its name brand is called. The bottle says benztropine. Probably the same thing. My shakiness returned this afternoon, so I'm going to try it tonight with my 80mg dose of Geodon. My depression spiked this afternoon also. I was reading a book about creating meaning in your life and it made me feel terrible, because whatever goal I set would be out of my reach at this point. I'm too broken. All these depression books I read only have partial answers or I need one to fix whatever the last one did to devastate me. Not very happy with myself right now. I want to be better already.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by thinker22

My depression spiked this afternoon also. I was reading a book about creating meaning in your life and it made me feel terrible, because whatever goal I set would be out of my reach at this point. I'm too broken. All these depression books I read only have partial answers or I need one to fix whatever the last one did to devastate me. Not very happy with myself right now. I want to be better already.

I think it is about expectations. If someone had a broken leg you wouldn't expect them to run a marathon (at least until it was better)...
You are not well, from what you have written it sounds like you are going through a really hard time. This is an illness like any other but it effects our brains. When it gets better (and it will) then go for your marathon... but while you are broken, give yourself a break.
Some days getting out of bed is an achievement. Others your goal may be to go outside the house. Then with time, on good days, you may be able to get work done. Start little, then as you get better you will be able to deal with more. Have patience, it will get better.

[thinker22]

Thanks for your support. I'm having a decent morning. I think the benztropine has helped with the nervous jittery muscle stuff. I hope this lasts. I'll try not to get too overwhelmed in reading my books on depression. They're supposed to be helping after all. If I get stuck, I'll just give myself a break and maybe come on here to say hi.