[Trippin2.0]

So I woke up at 5am like I do every work day,but decided I didn't have the energy or the inclination to pitch up,and then be unproductive all day. (things are very slow at work right now) For the most part of the day (it's 17:35 now) I havn't been particularly sad,mostly numb and disinterested. Problem is, suicidal thoughts are chasing me round every corner of my mind,at first I just dismissed them (b/c they're not uncommon,although I usually have them in moving vehicles) but then they started getting bigger and badder, I had to go to sleep to escape. Found myself scolding at myself out loud (talking / scolding out loud only happens under extreme circumstances) point is, I'm scaring myself, started crying b/c I'm scared,still not sad,and thankfully no urge to SI, just keep imagining ways to die,and I DON'T EVEN WANT TO! It's like the thoughts are possessing me, Did I just write that? OMW I'm losing my mind!

[Shakti]

I can relate. Right this very minute. Slightly different thoughts, of course, but same intrusion and same sense of losing my mind.

Also about feeling like the thoughts possess me sometimes.

[Trippin2.0]

What's happening 2me? 2 us? I can't stand it, it's like I have zero control, I just keep imagining ways to die UNATURALLY. No trigger,no life altering changes,just horrible thoughts of offing myself, I WANT IT TO STOP SO BADLY!

Do you have OCD, by chance? A large symptom of that disorder is intrusive thoughts, and they hijacked my life for a couple of years. It was horrible, until I received the proper therapy in order to deal with them. Look up ERP (Exposure Response Prevention). The principle of it is basically this: It doesn't matter what thought you have, but how you react to it. If you react badly to having thoughts of killing yourself, then of course they will distress you, and the thoughts will probably keep coming back STRONGER. But if someone has a thought of killing themselves, isn't stressed out by it, then the thought probably won't come back often, if at all.

The principle works for any thought, such as someone thinking about being in a car crash. If they keep stressing out about it, the thoughts will probably come back bigger and scarier. The trick is to expose yourself to these thoughts, little by little, until they no longer make you feel anxious.

That being said, intrusive thoughts can be a part of any disorder, I think, not just OCD. Best of luck to you in finding out what works for you.

[Trippin2.0]

I do suffer from ocd,been the butt of a few jokes 4 so long coz that's my initials (go figure) never got any kinda treatment b/c I thought it was under control,and didn't even bother to learn much about it b/c it wasn't interfering with my life much (always able to hide it) nor my ability to function. The suicidal thoughts have never bugged me, they've never made me anxious or scared before,and I've lived with them s0 long, at first I didn't even know they were part of my ocd, just thought I was morbid like that...I usually just dismiss them, but today OMW today was terrible! They seem to have escalated to new heights and I didn't know how to push them aside (thus the feeling of being possessed by them). Wonder if I should tell my pdoc tomorrow,but what would I say? OMW I feel crazy...

You should tell your pdoc tomorrow. He/She has most definitely dealt with others who have struggled with intrusive thoughts, so they won't think you're crazy.

Also, trying to push the thoughts away is most likely going to just make them come back stronger. Think about it, if I tell you "DON'T think about a red elephant"...you're most likely going to think about one. However, I know how hard it is not to push them away in the beginning. Just do what you need to do for now, and your pdoc should be able to help you. You might want to ask if therapy will help in this case. I hope you'll keep us updated on how you're doing!

[greylove]

A big group hug for all of us. I don't have much to add, but I can tell you I've been there......I want to take away your pain and tell you it will be better (and I know it will be ) so hang on tightly until the dark moments pass......sending you much love and support......greylove

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks sO much for your kind words and understanding...think the thoughts have left for now. Had a terrible night, but woke up with a "clean" mind...

Seeing my pdoc later today, and will take the advice and tell him about yesterday.
Got some great news from him too, he said I won't need to hunt for a separate T, as it's his responsibility to treat me, both medicinally and therapeutically He did however suggest I join a support group, and gave me a referral,
I'm currently looking into this...

I'm so relieved that I don't need to find another doctor...

Thanks again guys. I know I haven't been very visible here on PC for a while, I just don't feel like I have anything of value to add right now, but you're all in my thoughts and prayers

[greylove]

Trippin2.0......I'm glad you have good news about your pdoc, and I'm glad you woke up in a better place today. I've missed you (we all have) and just want to cheer you on. I feel I rarely have anything of value to contribute, but I do know how to send a hug and tell you we're all here for you......take care.......greylove

[sugahorse1]

Hey there - how are things now and what did the pdoc say?
I find the nasty thoughts haunt me in the depressive phase. You will reach a place where you realise that in this case you need help and will not feel guilty asking for it. If your pdoc is looking after you medically and therapeutically, you need to keep him up to date all the time, and use him as your life-line when the road gets rocky

[Trippin2.0]

Hi Suga...
He didn't really say ANYTHING, just asked me how often it happens, I told him that they basically happen all the time, but Thursday was horrendous, and he proceeded to make notes. Then near the end of the session, he complemented me on my coping skills and told me that I'm wAy stronger than I realize WTF??? I'm not sure what happened exactly...was nice to get some positive feedback though

[sugahorse1]

Not quite sure what they write down when they take notes?? Sorry, lol
But I think the important thing is that you are noticing the episodes, and taking corrective action as much as you can. You are practicing self-care, calling out for help when you need it, taking a day off work if you are sick...
That's a sign of strength

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks Suga, didn't think of it like that before you pointed it out...
Just wish I could act and think like my logical self again, and not this emo monster I've become...