[blueoctober]

I subscribe to the magazine BP Canada www.bphope.ca and this month's article by Julie Fast was great. Julie has bipolar and is the author of several books on bipolar. Her article asked the question "If a mood swing ripped through your life and tore apart your working and personal relationships, would you give yourself time to fully recover?"

My answer to that question would be NO! I can remember during and after my 6 week Psychiatric stay I wanted to get back to work ASAP. Thank goodness my Psychiatrist recognized I wasn't ready and wouldn't allow me to go back for 8 months. Even now, 3 years after my diagnosis I still don't give myself time to recover. Once the fog lifts I go right back to trying to be super human. Sometimes it works, but most times it doesn't. Julie notes in her article that since "bipolar disorder doesn't show it's scar as outward physical distress one might expect to bounce back immediately"

I just wanted to post this to get some feedback on your experiences and remind ourselves that we need to go easy on ourselves.

[Anneinside]

I think it is natural to jump right back into life when you recover from an episode. However, we have to look at the big picture and put some limits on what we do immediately. I was on disability several years ago (back on it now) and returned to work part-time but actually had no real assignments or courses to teach so I basically just sat around. The next semester I went back to full time with a full load of teaching, committee meetings, writing, etc. I lasted less than a month. It was too much too fast. I might have done better if I had taught a class the prior semester and some committee meetings.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Anneinside

returned to work part-time but actually had no real assignments or courses to teach so I basically just sat around. The next semester I went back to full time with a full load of teaching, committee meetings, writing, etc.

Was this your choice or was it your employer?

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by blueoctober

Was this your choice or was it your employer?

Actually, it was assumed (by me and them) that I would return to full time after a semester on part-time. I think the first week back (on part-time) I was assigned my courses for the next semester.

[sanityseeker]

That looks like a great magazine Blue. I look forward to spending some time looking over the link. As for your question....

I think I was finally forced to take seriously the need to recover after extreme episodes. I don't think I learned the importance of taking it easy on myself until it was too late. I am pretty sure I will never be able to return to full function again. I neglected myself after too many crashes to bounce back this time.

For as long as I can remember I have cycled from weeks of mania to even more weeks of depression with some rapid cycling mixed in. When I was younger I bounced back. I discounted the seriousness of early diagnosis and refused to acknowledge it let alone accept treatment for it.

It wasn't until I experienced post partum that it got harder to bounce back. Then my thyroid went out of wack and then menopause hit. Other strange neurological episodes added to the complications. Through all of those I was still in denial about the bi polar diagnosis and how my life was spinning out of control.

I crashed so hard in 2003 that I had to walk away from my job as the Director of Student Services at a college I helped to develop and grow into a major success. I have yet to recover. I will never be able to return to that kind of pressure job again. I am 56 years old and but a shadow of my former self. I don't have even a fraction of the mental or physical capacities I once had. I know I can't be super human again. I can no longer fool myself with high energy determination. I don't have that kind of energy anymore even when I get manic.

I really think that I ignored my symptoms too many times. I think I hit burn out and will never fully recover. I think I can find a new path that will be satisfying and utilize my skills and talents but it will follow a path with significantly fewer stressors.

Seven years ago I finally came out of denial and took seriously the effects and challenges of the cycling moods and concurrent issues. Coming out of denial began the process of learning how to live with and manage the symptoms and to whatever extent is possible to begin the process of recovery.

Defining what recovery looks like and what it can or may look like in the future means modifying my lifestyle to accommodate the effects of BP and the other issues the BP magnifies.

I really believe that if I had taken the BP seriously when I was younger and had I received treatment earlier then perhaps my story would be different. I think I pushed it too far and now I can't go back.

Somedays I feel all doom and gloom about it. Somedays I think maybe if I do this that or the other thing that I can fully recover but as the months and years keep adding up and my capacities continue to decline rather than return I feel like I need to find a new reality. Reinvent myself to both be the best me I can be and respect the limitations my symptoms impose upon me.

I try to remain positive yet realistic. I question myself about it all the time. I don't want to reach too high but I also don't want to accept too little. I am still searching to find the balance that advances recovery and at the same time feeds my need to stretch myself.

I know the lesson. Take the time you need to recover before recovery is compromises. What I don't know is how, having missed that lesson early on, can I recover enough to find an equally fullfilling path to the one my fast paced and intensely passionate life once provided me.

Neither can I nor should I find that kind of intensity again but I do want and need to feel that passion and drive again without it compromising my health like it always did in the past.

[sugahorse1]

I really like Julie Fast's articles. She has a blog and website www.bipolarhappens.com

I have never given myself a break. But you all mention a lot of sense; we need to look after ourselves and be careful

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

Neither can I nor should I find that kind of intensity again but I do want and need to feel that passion and drive again without it compromising my health like it always did in the past.

I can totally relate to your post. Prior to my diagnosis I was on my way in my career to upper management. Now I've had to reevaluate my career goals and management will not have any part of it because I know it will trigger me. My health is more important than any job, but it is still disappointing because I feel at times the illness has dictated my life......I guess others will feel that who have a mental illness or any other serious illness for that matter. It made me look hard at my life and decide what's important to me.

I often feel like I have lost "my mojo" and I'm starting to feel it come back with this med switch, but it's been 3 years since I was diagnosed. I don't feel as passionate about things, but I also think the hypomania intensifies any feeling just like the depression makes me not enjoy anything.

[BlackPup]

I used to fight so hard and never give myself time to recover, which of course led to more troubles. Now I go slower, if I need a break I take it, I know my limits. If you broke your leg, you wouldn't run a marathon when the cast came off, likewise don't expect your brain to get back to full speed straight away.
After an episode pulls you apart and leaves you huddled in the corner broken, after feeling all that suffering, you need to have some good times, to enjoy life, to recover.

[sugahorse1]

Blackpup - how do you allow yourself to have some good times, to enjoy life, to recover?
Take a holiday? Sit with your T?
I just don't even know how to look after myself.
I'm in this rut that's called work, and at least it is a kind of schedule as to what I do 5 days a week. At least it's constant. And the broken me would rather stay stuck in a schedule than wander around aimlessly. It's like an uncomfortable "comfort zone". I'd rather be stuck in something I know.

[owllover99]

I give myself a week after being in the hospital for sucidial depression. I gave myself a week after I thought I was going manic but didn't go full blown. I was in the hospital a week for that. Then when I was psychotic in 1993 I stayed home 3 weeks after being in the hospital(s) 3 weeks. I was off work a lot in Jan-Feb. I was trying to find a pdoc to help about my depression. But I was in no shape to work. Crying. Feeling worthless helpless the whole 9 yards. But once I feel even 1/2 way I guess the word would be normal I go back to work and everything else. But now I'm getting old and I've had health issues since Feb. It's really hard on me because I've had to take care of myself since I was 7 years old. And to have to have to get help from my husband is a real pain. I'm not used to getting help from anybody. Not much anyway.
I have been able to help him though so that's good.

In the hospital, they said that it will take 4-6 months to recover from an episode severe enough to land you in the hospital. I've never had the luxury of giving myself that much time and have always gone back to work within a week of discharge unless it was in the summer. I think though that recovery does not necessarily mean we have to not do anything, but we do need to pace ourselves and be hypervigilant about our self-care.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Blackpup - how do you allow yourself to have some good times, to enjoy life, to recover?
Take a holiday? Sit with your T?
I just don't even know how to look after myself.
I'm in this rut that's called work, and at least it is a kind of schedule as to what I do 5 days a week. At least it's constant. And the broken me would rather stay stuck in a schedule than wander around aimlessly. It's like an uncomfortable "comfort zone". I'd rather be stuck in something I know.

Things got out of control and I took 3 months off from uni. I really didn't have much choice because the Topomax caused some really bad memory problems and I couldn't do my work.
I got to take things slowly rather than pushing and fighting to keep doing all the things I *thought* I had to do. It took the pressure off being *normal* and finding the right meds etc. There were some days I did not much at all so I totally understand the work/schedule thing - going to work is still sometimes the only thing that gets me out of bed!
The times I was normal it was really great to do things I enjoyed, like gardening, walking the dog, watching DVDs, shopping etc, rather than every minute I was functional trying to make up for all the non functional times. It was great to be something apart from my illness and work.
The most important thing was allowing myself to grieve. I didn't know if I would get to go back to uni, if my memory would come back, or if everything I had previously defined myself by would disappear. I had time to accept myself as more just than my work or intellegence. I had time to come to terms with my BP and the effect on my life, to accept that the BP would always influence my life.
My counsellor was on holidays for 2 months so I didn't spend time in therapy. I had some really great conversations with my minister who I really respect. I read some books. I spent time with friends (and a couple of neighbours who were not working at the time) not so much time with family...
I don't think it much matters what you do, its a bit giving yourself the head space to think through everything that has changed...

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

In the hospital, they said that it will take 4-6 months to recover from an episode severe enough to land you in the hospital. I've never had the luxury of giving myself that much time and have always gone back to work within a week of discharge unless it was in the summer. I think though that recovery does not necessarily mean we have to not do anything, but we do need to pace ourselves and be hypervigilant about our self-care.

I agree with what you posted farmergirl. I couldn't even think of going back to work 1 week after discharge and I'm sorry you weren't able to take more time off.

After my 6 week hospitalization I did outpatient therapy until an intensive 8 hour a day/4 day a week program started. I think if I didn't have the structure of going there each day it would have been dangerous for me. I will be forever grateful to my P-doc to forcing me off of work for 8 months. It's been 3 years since my hospitalization and I am back at my career.

[sugahorse1]

Wow - you really do know how to put yourself first - I tend to feel too guilty to put myself first. I feel I need to be at my work, for fear of losing my job.