Just diagnosed

I was just diagnosed with bipolar II and I'm really struggling to come to terms with it. Is this normal? My bipolar usually presents itself with severe depression and every once in a while I'll get a spurt of energy. Nothing huge, I just tend to be more productive. Does this sound familiar? I could really just use a hug, I think and some words of support. Thanks in advance.

shebutterfly; I mostly suffered from major depression as well and the hypomania would present in either being really driven and/or irritable. Reading about the illness helped me come to terms with it. I can suggest 2 great books "Bipolar Breakthrough" by Ronald Fieve and "Less than Crazy: Living Fully with Bipolar II" by Karla Dougherty. It also helped me to go to a bipolar education group and a support group. If you search "bipolar support groups" or "mood disorder support group" and where you live it should bring up local groups in your area.

Familar, yes. I've got BP II too. Severe depressions oh yes. Sometimes the ups go pretty far up and sometimes go on for quite some time. Sometimes shorter, many hitting at least the 4 day diagnostic criteria, but quite a few shorter bursts as well. But get a lot done? _Oh yeah_. But often I'm a really irritable piece of work in those times, which isn't nearly as nice as getting ridiculous amounts of things done, to say the least. It's also when I'm most likely to have a meltdown or flip out especially if I run into frustration. Doesn't even really take much. Which are followed inevitably by mortification. Ugh.

But after I got diagnosed, it was a relief really, you know? That there was actually something medical going on causing all this. Something to work on. And not in that "just buck up" way that had been so... well let's just say, it didn't work, hmm? And without knowing about the bipolar, the frustration of trying what I simply could not do only exacerbated it. The right meds are a big help. (It's not unusual for it to take time to find what works, but just stick with it.) It can be better. Sometimes things work well on the first go --once I got on mine, there was a big improvement. Somewhat "normal" took some getting used to, but it sure was nice not having so many flipouts. Yes, still have some, but less often for sure. And less depression and less severe? Sign me up! Sound good? Probably the best encouragement is simply the fact that knowing can direct you to tools that can actually work (as opposed to the theory of buck up, you know?) and that things can be better. Yea! Also, speaking of encouragement, this forum is a great place with so many caring people. Welcome!

And a hug? Absolutely!

Thanks... days like these are especially hard because I've been on the meds for a little over a month now (Lamictal, Zoloft and Abilify) and I'm feeling really on edge and irritable. To the point where my skin is crawling and I'm *really* holding myself back. It feels like the medication isn't even working. Am I getting a lot done today? Sure... but at what cost, you know?

Ahhh, didn't know you were on meds yet. Probably a good idea to talk with your prescriber (P-doc? NMHNP? GP?) and see if an adjustment would do the trick. Were you put on all 3 at once or?? Because it may well be that just one if being problematic for you. Worth looking into for sure, because yeah, that doesn't sound like much fun right now.

(((((((shebutterfly)))))))
Sending you many hugs. Yes, it's perfectly OK to struggle with getting a new diagnosis. It'll take a bit of time before it seems totally "normal" to you to have a Bipolar diagnosis. And yes, your condition sounds familiar to mine. I am diagnosed as Borderline Personality Disorder, and a mood disorder NOS with bipolar tendencies. Borderline & Bipolar are similar in quite a few ways, so I get where you're coming from.

Just remember that your illness does not define who you are completely. Your illness is just a part of you, and that's perfectly OK.

shebutterfly,

This ain't abnormal. What's so durned frustrating about depression, leaving aside for a moment the immense suffering itself, is that it's a self-reinforcing state. What I mean is that the thoughts are often circular, as in: 'I have something wrong with me that's always been wrong and always will be,' or 'circumstances are lousy, they'll never change, and i'm not up to the task of fixing them.' Furthermore, human memory is state-sensitive--as in someone who has caffeine while they're studying for a test does significantly better if they've got caffeine in their system on testday. What that equates to is recalling every grief, trial/failure, and sadness while depressed. It's often really easy to forget that depression hasn't been a way of life forever, or even have that all-too-normal suspicion that you're malfunctioning or impaired. Seven years ago when a major depression first hit me, I said to the psychiatric nurse in earnest "I've lost the ability to form a cohesive sentence." She grinned at the irony--I got her joke and was somehow unamused at the time, but it makes me laugh now.

I'm certainly not saying that this is applicable or relevant to you. But I am suggesting that counselling, the talk-therapy route might be well-worth the examination to determine whether your depression has its origin in dissatisfying or stress-producing circumstances or even a grief-producing event. I'm fully aware now of what circumstances/event produced my grief, and wish very much that I'd recognized and appreciated my health back then.

At any rate, now that I've exposed my bias against medication, still goes without saying: please take excellent care of yourself and steer clear of booze/grass/anything that's a depressant, listen to lots of music (seriously, it's got a pretty well-documented positive transformative effect on neurophysiology), and keep up with at least one or two close friends, difficult as that may be: isolation results in progressive atrophy.

Good luck & hugs, we're here for ya too.

I also was relieved to finally have a diagnosis which explained what was happening. I had depression as a 2nd grader, high school student and then after my daughter died. No one recognized the hypomanic episodes I had all my life until my current pdoc did and diagnosed me as having bipolar II. I still suffer more often from depression than hypomania and seldom have a "good" hypomania, usually irritability with a lot of spending. I was diagnosed in 2002 when I was 47.

I would suggest that you get the book, Bipolar for Dummies. It covers are the basic stuff and more. It is written clearly without jargon. And, it only costs $19.95 (right now it is $13.59 at amazon.com).

Thanks for the advice... I really appreciate it and I can tell that I'm going to fit in really well here. I can't post a link to my blog yet, but I've been writing it since before my diagnosis, and if you read back, you'll probably recognize a lot of the symptoms that I haven't seen since recently. I did read Less than Crazy: Living fully with Bipolar II and found it very informative (I love to read). I'll have to check out the other books suggested. Also, knossos13, I see a psychotherapist once a week, and starting last week, also see a marriage counselor (this has taken a great toll on our marriage, unfortunately). I wouldn't be able to function without therapy... I was thrilled when my therapist got "parody" (is that what it's called?) that said that my condition was biological.

Here's my med history:

-Started Zoloft 50mg for PPD after my daughter was born (4 years ago)
-Switched to Wellburtrin, then Lexapro, then back to Zoloft
-Zoloft dose kept going up and up till I was at 150 and even that wasn't doing the trick... still really depressed but irritable and sometimes almost manic
-psychiatric NP put thought it was because the Zoloft was too high and diagnosed me with ADHD and switched me to Prozac
-Prozac 80mg gave me the same symptoms (manic) as the Zoloft and I was STILL depressed.
-Went to another psychiatric NP and she was the one to diagnose me with Bipolar II and started me on Lamictal (now up to 100mg) and Zoloft 50mg.
-I was almost suicidal after two weeks of the Lamictal and Zoloft, so she added Abilify 2mg.

Two weeks after starting Abilify, I was feeling pretty good, so she told me she'd see me in six weeks. That was two weeks ago, and I'm feeling like crap again.

Hi and welcome.
I was first dx'd major depressive episode, then major depression and in March BP II. Tried a mood stabiliser (sodium valporate) which didn't help.
Only today got put onto Lamictin, and will work my way to 100mg. Then possibly add an anti-dep.
I tihnk it's quite necessary to only change one med at a time, to be able to know which one is working/causing grief.

Don't stress too much about the dx. You are not alone. We all learn all the time from each other and offer great support. Having a dx makes it much easier to understand yourself and you can get help.

Hoping I don't get suicidal on the Lamictin....!!! I was bad enough without it, and this is supposed to pick me up! I mainly battle with depression, with some minor hypomanic episodes

I'm so sorry, I had grossly misunderstood where you were coming from in this.

Again, with the caveat that I'm not a doc & I would not presume to offer guidance, here's a possibility that occurs to me--just one perspective based on what you'd posted.

This began(?) as PPD: Estrogen, prolactin, oxytocin (?), to name a few do some pretty fantastic pirouettes during pregnancy, as I understand. If a pdoc were somehow unaware that a patient were expecting, reporting emotional lability and some very unusual appetite changes they'd say "Wow, you must be bipolar!" Following birth, there's another major shift in chemistry. This doesn't begin to take into account the life-altering stress of being a mom.

Please forgive statements of the obvious, I'm only trying to get from known factors to possible outcomes in order see if any of this rings as true.

So, there's not a doubt in my mind that post-partum depression is both very real and biologically-based, and like other normal biological processes has means and extremes from person to person. As an aside, when I had a growth spurt at 14 (grew about 5 inches in a year) and told the pediatrician I was depressed, he said something like "Depressed? Shoot, I'm surprised you're standing and talking." Then he asked me "Know what happens when you inject a gorilla with as much testosterone as you've got running through you at the moment?" I didn't. "They sit and shiver, and they'll attack anything that comes too close to them. That's adolescence. You'll be fine-- Just don't bite anyone."

So, getting back to post-partum depression - it's a model of care that psychiatry has set out that SSRIs (sertraline [zoloft] is one of these) are like 'taking aspirin for a headache.' I take aspirin when I've got a headache, actually it's excedrin (aspirin don't do a durn thing for me,) but you get my point-'Ta hell with natural, if it hurts, make it feel better!' And of course, what works for one or some, may not work for all. But, trouble with the headache analogy is that there's increasing doubt, even within psychiatry that serotonin's the real problem in depression - it seems it's more often associated with the anxiety/panic--> security/well-being axis (which might well explain why so many folks have the experience of agitation and anxiety on SSRIs,[or] experience a co-morbidity of panic disorder and are augmented with anti-anxiety meds [clonapin, xanax, etc.])

So, to be brief, I've heard of plenty of folks going on an SSRI, and feeling different. Different is absolutely a relief, even if it ain't a particularly positive different-irritability for instance: 'Well it beats the heck out of the crying fits and utter hell.'

So the SSRI Zoloft, not doing the trick like aspirin for a headache doesn't surprise me. Maybe this goes 'Okey dokey, aspirin didn't work, how about ibuprofen?' Wellbutrin's a really different animal, apples and oranges. That one blocks the reuptake of dopamine, in addition to its auxiliary effects on norepinepherine. Again, I'm not an expert here, but norepinepherine / dopamine / nicotinic receptors? (this stuff was crossmarketed as a smoking cessation aid) So, instead of interfering with the global level/transmission of serotonin, this time the pharmacologic answer might first-glance wise seem to make a little more sense. Dopamine's associated with pleasure / happiness, norepinepherine with energy, nicotinic with focus & well being. (Very broad strokes here, almost to the point of being nonsensical, but why not? Seems like it should hit closer to the mark of getting rid of depression...) Here's some of the stuff that *can happen to a smoker who takes it--keeping in mind now that these are people who haven't had prior history of mental illness: depression, anxiety, suicidality, irritability, violence, agitation, mania [they usually avoid actually saying 'mania' as a side effect, and stick to 'irritability and agitation,']--the capitulation to including that particular word 'mania' itself makes me absolutely shudder to think what prompted it. So, long story short, Zyban's been banned in a few countries. . .

Anyway, I won't keep going on and on about the individual meds. I'll just go with the progress you've listed:

so, following Lexapro, Zoloft comes back around and gets pushed up to. . . 150mg!? Good lord, attention problems/hyperactivity?? -- That might be enough to kill a small pony or accelerate a snail to mach 5! And here you are the whole time, still feeling lousy, and occasionally manic / irritable. (First time you'd mentioned mania.) I'm not surprised!

Bottom line is (again, totally non-professional opinion, all I have to go on is what you've told me & what I've experienced as a patient) -- I also understand and have felt the rush of relief that accompanies the diagnosis - a 'biologically-based illness with a chemical cure to restore the imbalance.' It is breathtaking, and the first time I'd heard it I just kept thinking "Thank God, something can be done." I've also experienced the cognitive dissonance of that faith in the cure/treatment, and their monumental inefficacy--what my mind and body have been through on the drugs.

I don't say this to be bleak, and don't get me wrong PPD is a very real well-documented condition as is Bipolar II, as is ADHD, and you're certainly not imagining these symptoms--they're absolutely real. I only suggest that at this point in time, as opposed to post-partum, the cause might be polypharmacia. It's certainly not your fault--this is prevalent.

Some very good points... Definitely something to think about. You really know your stuff. Wow. I can tell I'm going to get a lot out of this. A couple of points to fill in the blanks:

I've suffered from severe depression interspersed with periods of high energy and/or irritability for as long as I can remember (depression stems back to when I was as young as 5 or 6), the only reason why I went on meds after my daughter was born was because it had escalated to the point where I was afraid of losing control with my kids - it was fine when it was just losing control, but bringing the kids into the mix really scared the crap out of me.

Oh, I was only on the Welbutrin for a month because I broke out in hives. LOL

Hugs for you, shebutterfly
It is really hard to come to terms with BP, but it is also a relief to know whats wrong and know how to treat it. The drugs can take a while to work out the best combination (flick through the threds and hear us all winge!). My guess would be that you need more mood stabiliser - maybe the abilify will help, cos when you stop the highs (even if they are only hypos) it controls the lows - which like you, mine really suck!
If the BP was induced by the drugs, then you still need to get stable before you can get off meds. Did any of your elevated periods prior to taking medication meet the criteria for BP 2? If so then I think we can safely assume that it was not induced by drugs... therefore as there is currently no evidence to suggest that there is an effective treatment regime for BP that does not include medication, I would suggest that medications are a *really* good option - but it does work best in conjunction with psychotherapy so keep it up
@knossis - totally agree with the whole handing out zoloft like candy thing though.... (a friend who is a pharmacist sees the same people coming in over and over for their Zoloft etc and is convinced it doesn't work)
For anyone who is bored: My idea of depression is that how you feel is made up of: 1 what kind of crap is going on in your life, 2 how you respond to it and 3 what the funky little chemicals in your brain are doing... (I don't think we can easily tell what's what particularly when we are really depressed and they all influence each other...)
If you have a sucky work, life, home situation, then drugs are going to do SFA. If you have a messed up way of reacting to things then again, drugs aren't going to change that... If we assume that the drugs do work, all they can do is make the chemicals in your head better so that you can deal with life and how you react to it...

Black pup... I like your thoughts about depression... I read in a book lately that Depression is anger turned inwards. I think that's an apt statement.

Before the medical induced mania... I'd say that I had some mild hypomania. Stuff like getting really involved in a project, all gung ho about it and not being able to leave it, then crashing and losing all motivation. It also presented itself with me being extremely irritated for no reason and blowing up at the slightest provocation. Does that make sense?

I agree about the Zoloft, too. Obviously my primary doc had NO idea what he was doing, when he kept upping and upping the dosage because I'd complain that it didn't work. He should have sent me to a psychiatrist a LONG time ago, but instead he just kept writing scripts.

That's what I experienced and I probably wouldn't have been diagnosed if I wasn't put on an anti-d. The anti-d put me in a mixed state, then hypomania while I was in the hospital. Hope this med combo gets you on track soon.