[butterflyeffect]

Hi,

I am a rapid cycler Bi Polar who became addicted to cocain to self medicate. I have years of recovery and then fustratingly will relasp and have to get back in recovery. I am not a "party" person, in fact quite the opposite. I have no problem with any other drug or alchol. It's really scaring me because after a ten year period with no drug use and stable on my meds, it will be triggered and it's hell to get back, not to mention the damage I do to my life in the process. I almost died getting back and I was doing really well for a year and 1/2 now, really happy and healthy and recently relasped. At present I am back in my recovery meetings and waiting for the meds to get back to normal, but it scares me that I will never get past this pattern. I know from my support system that if I stay close I have a good chance of stablizing but I get so discoraged working so hard and seemly for no reason will ruin everything I decided to join this because there are not many duel diagnosis meetings in my area and I can't share about my Bi Polar in my meetings. Feeling alone can anyone relate?

[blueoctober]

Welcome butterflyeffect I'm glad you decided to post. I don't have experience with dual diagnosis, but I certainly can relate to the struggles waiting for the meds to take effect and even when they are "right" I can still have relapses. For me it's the nature of the illness, but it does get frustrating. I am new too, but have found it very supportive and I'm sure there are others that can relate to your post. Welcome!

[rartemis]

I can relate too. I am fortunate that I haven't relapsed (yet), but at times it has been close. Is there such a thing as a relapse prevention course in your area you can take as a refresher? It may help to bring back all those basics one more time.

[Moreta]

Bipolar usually makes a cyclical cycle, especially with substance abuse. Personally, I think this happens b/c we a.) forget how to cope, or b.) we are presented with a new situation, which we do not know how to cope with.

Cocaine is one of those drugs that many (including myself) have struggled with, and continue to struggle with. It's a very powerful drug, that makes you feel awesome for a short period of time, when you're experiencing the 'good' mania, but then when that's over, you're at the lower gates of hell. not to mention....

(big trigger, I wouldn't read on if you've never experienced cocaine before, pretty graphic)









....waking up with blood on your pillow, from your nose just randomly bleeding in the night. Then there's the whole not sleeping for days, cleaning the house @ 3 am, smoking a pack of cigarettes in 2 hours, not eating for days, becoming delusional, mentally breaking down, doing things to get more drugs, killing a crap-load of braincells, etc. That list is why I don't do it anymore. Just due to all the repercussions that come from doing it.

[kadesgirl09]

I'm too recovering from drug abuse. I havent touched the stuff in almost 2 years but that doesnt mean I wont ever again. I guess all we can worry about is today. Keep strong and you can do it! (((butterflyaffect)))

[butterflyeffect]

thanks everyone!

[Lauru]

Just found your thread. I just relapsed on Friday. And I am heading into a deep depression. For me the depression starts and when it gets bad enough, I relapse. Hang in there. We're all rooting for you.

[thinker22]

I used to have a problem with alcohol for a few years. I'd drink like 4-5 huge drinks every night, technically closer to 8 official drinks. So I was dual diagnosis too, but I managed to get off drinking with worrying about how my meds would interact with them and my liver. It's only been since October of last year that I stopped drinking regularly. It's a temptation on really bad days, but on good days too sometimes I think...I would feel even better with a drink right now. I drink mostly when I'm happy, not sad. But I feel the urge to drink when I feel terrible because I want to feel differently and anything has to be better, right? Don't have any experience with cocaine, but I understand why people use drugs. Because they make you feel better or different at least for a while. That's what our meds are supposed to do, but when they're not working, it's the easiest thing to want to go back to what we thought did work, although the repercussions are dreadful. Don't give up the fight. I'm sure there are meds out there that can curb your cravings. I know my doc found one for me after 2 years of trying and now I feel so normal, I don't even want to drink. Good luck in your quest. We're here for you for support whenever you need it.

[vjdragonfly]

Hello butterflyeffect. I'm sorry to hear you relapsed. I can relate to your struggle. Although mine is not cocaine, but I do relapse every now and then. I fight with smoking marijuana and I know it is nowhere near as hardcore as cocaine. I feel guilty every time I do it and swear to myself I'll never do it again. I always seem to disappoint myself again. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone in your struggles and I hope this time you can conquer it for good. I'm rooting for you.