[sanityseeker]

Something happened yesterday that I can't seem to quit thinking about. It really bugs me, hurts my feelings, makes me not trust people, think I should stay to myself, avoid people. Then it makes me think, no, I need to face the stereotypes and fears others have and be an advocate. I have a responsibility to set the record straight for people. But then again people don't really want to know the truth. They like to hold on to mis-information.....

Anways.... what happened is.... my ex's sister was visiting when she asked if I had heard about the guy from a town near ours that killed his step daughter while on vacation in a cabin near Seattle. She said she thought of me when she heard that he was Bi Polar. At first she didn't remember the name of the condition. She just said he has what I have. She went on to say she didn't know what I had was so dangerous.

It reminded me of when she first heard about my dx. My ex thoughtlessly mentioned it to 4 of his sisters, including the one visiting yesterday while sitting in our living room. I remember one of the other sisters upon hearing about it, she said, 'OMG, that's terrible.' and then proceeded to recount an incident when she was a realtor and had been terrorized by a crazy guy who she later learned was Bi Polar. She just kept looking at me, like the sister yesterday, going on and on about how bad it is. How aweful and scary and crazy making bi polar makes people. It was as though their eyes were trying to make sense of how sweet little ol' me could maybe go crazy on them like those guys in their stories.

I was pretty much speechless both times but I could tell they were looking for me to reassure them or give them some cause not to fear me or something. Both times all I said was that it was like a spectrum of mild to extreme symptoms and that these guys were extreme. I was mild. You could almost see them breath a sigh of relief before they went on to another subject.

They didn't notice the exchange of glances between me and my ex. Me saying.... how could you blurt it out like that. Him saying..... mild? you? I don't think so!! I think you are capable of anything when you loose it. What a saint I am to put up with you!!

Anyways.... its just been bugging me today.

[Amazonmom]

That's awful! My hubby would never reveal my diagnosis unless I asked him to do so. Stereotypes like the ones you mention are why I will never tell anyone I work with about my bipolar. They all think I am a together person who is good at their job and is a good friend to have. I would like it to stay that way even if I know they hate the real me.

[sanityseeker]

Hi Amazonmom,
Yea, it was aweful. I guess that is why he is now my ex hey. lol.

I don't usually tell my work clients. They have an impression of me that I prefer to preserve. One of the things I do in my work is to teach people about balance and harmony and personal wellness. If they knew about my symptoms I am sure they would think me a hypocrite so I am really careful not to be anything but the model of what I teach. I tell myself I am not being a hypocrite because in fact I do walk my talk. It is just that my walk sometimes really challenges my skill set and when the symptoms are accute it may not look like I am managing anything but still I wouldn't be here if I weren't walking my talk to get myself to the other side of a rough ride.

When I first shared my dx with some of my family who happened to know something about BP the challenge was getting through the questions of meds and therapy. Was I taking meds? No. Why not? Isn't that dangerous? Shouldn't you be on meds? Well maybe but I have issues with doctors and I am afraid of meds and its all very experimental anyways so I do other things to treat my symptoms. No I don't go to therapy but I have other supports just the same. They shake their heads doubting I am taking the conditions seriously enough. They make assumptions in my opinion and if they knew what i knew they would give me some flexibility. Instead like the sisters they only hear the horror stories and in those stories it is always reported 'he hadn't taken his meds.'

Before I go I need to pick up on the last words of your post Amazonmom. 'even though I know they hate the real me.' Care to expand on that? Is that your symptoms talking or do your really think they hate you and if so why do you think that?

I often think that people would hate me or loose respect for me if they knew the real me, or perhaps do hate me because they see the ugliness I feel is the real me. When caught with those kinds of thoughts my idea of the real me becomes the one consumed by my symptoms. The symptoms begin to define me when they cause me to deny my true character even from myself. Self loathing is always so close in one form or another.

I try to be really attentive to self depricating talk. I try not to let myself off the hook when I slip up. I think it is dangerous for me to feed my negative opinions of myself no matter how innocently or casually I might toss them around. That is what gives me cause to call you on what looks like you doing the same.

Recently I was challenged to look at my people pleasing tendancies. I was hurt when someone pushed me away because of a disagreement. My automatic reaction was to fall apart. Tears streamed from the hurt of having caused someone to reject me. I felt myself start the search for what I could do to win him back again but before it spun me into hopelessness and thoughts of worthlessness I found myself challenging my reaction instead. I decided I wasn't responsible for his reactions but I could determine mine. I had done nothing to cause him to reject me other than to hold a different point of view. I could choose in that moment to change my position to please him and deny my own voice or I could honour my own voice and accept it may displease some people. I didn't need to please everyone, didn't need everyone to like me in order for me to like myself. It took a good amount of self affirming over the course of a couple of days but I arrived at true understanding that not everyone was going to always like me. I finally got it that I could be okay with some people not liking me so long as I attended to nurturing a love for myself. No matter what I had to love myself even if sometimes it feels like only words. Sometimes the words are all I have to turn my heart around again.

[owllover99]

We are people. Medicine (if we can get it right) helps us be stable. Yet we are still emotional more so than an "average" person. Plus what we have is mental so it is not understood like a physical illiness even though it should be. Your husband shouldn't have said that. I know that I was epileptic and fat that I would put up with all kinds of abuse because I thought because I was that way I had to put up with it. So it is with us. But it don't have to be that way. It's hard to be independent and it's hard to live alone (until you get used to it). I'm not saying to do that. But there's only so much abuse mental physical or whatever a person can handle. I wish I could do more for you. I went through abuse until I was 38. I finally decided I had had it and started living alone. If you get lonely, get another part time job. That did it for me. I worked at McDonalds and the Federal Govt. Then I found out I was bipolar when I was 39.
Thankfully I had found a good boyfriend by then. But abuse just fuels the sadness and the shame of being bipolar. And there shouldn't be any shame of being bipolar.

[Perna]

I'm glad you don't have that ex anymore either, sanityseeker! I think any illness is a personal thing; I remember my girlfriend's father trying to show everyone his gallbladder operation scar when we were older teens. There's always going to be "crazy" people with illnesses like ours but no one is going to mention they have diabetes or high blood pressure, LOL. I would have just looked confused at your sister-in-law and explained that the woman who killed her husband was psychotic and you are not. . . but excuse you while you go kill your ex-husband for discussing your personal medical history and putting such frightening images in her head.

[Fresia]

I am sorry you were put in this position. Many people are uneducated and the media does not help. I have had similar reactions over the years and why I keep my diagnosis a closely guarded secret. I hate it but the ramifications of those with misconceptions is too great.

I have been stable for years but recently went for preliminary interviews to volunteer at horse rehab facilities that work with people who have disabilities. I have experience working with people with disabilities and extensive horse experience. I am skilled in both areas with lots of training and had been really looking forward to doing this again. However, they require a physician clearance, physical and medical clearance which is no problem, already discussed this w/ the docs; I hadn't said anything about my particular dx but I was told if have any mental illness other than depression, that they cannot risk their clients. I asked about recommendations from physicians and others, absolutely not, even if treated. I understand the concern absolutely on one hand for their clients because of events that have been happening but of course, they don't know me.

I hate the bias. I wish your conversation had gone differently and you weren't put in such a position. I always hope for better education and unsensationaized press (right!), until then I will be keeping my dx on a need to know basis but educating where and whenever I can.

(((((Sanityseeker)))))

[perpetuallysad]

Oh Perna, I really needed to laugh! I love your last line.

Sanityseeker, that sucks. And I think I'd almost agree with Perna and kill (ok, not kill, but maim) him over divulging something like that. Is this sister a friend of yours? Did she come to visit you or your son? Do you think when people do that they even realize how assish they sound?

I have found that people often whisper "bipolar" like I remember people whispering "cancer"... "such and such doesn't ever keep a job and he's cheated on his wife, but you know he's bipolar". Ug. It is maddening. And the reason that I have told about 2 people (besides those on here) about any of my mental health things.

The stereotypes suck, no two ways about it. Ignorant people are so exasperating, especially because, like you said, sanityseeker, they like to hold on to their misinformation. It's one thing to be ignorant. Everyone *is* about various things. But to hold on to ignorance when faced with facts is another thing altogether.

And ooooh, sanity seeker, I can sooo imagine seeing that look from my ex. "Him saying..... mild? you? I don't think so!! I think you are capable of anything when you loose it. What a saint I am to put up with you!!" That's why they're exs eh? And mine used to make really hurtful "jokes", even before I was dx'd. Ugh.

One thing I'd point out in such a situation, sanityseeker, is that people who *aren't* bipolar commit crimes all the time too, even heinous ones. At least it might make them stop and think, even if they want to hold on to their ignorance of bipolar per se.

to you, sanityseeker.

(Your new avatar is so pretty, perpetually! )

I am sorry to read about these stereotypes. I mean, people who aren't bipolar commit crimes as well...it just seems like when huge crimes are committed by someone who is mentally ill...it's put on the media a lot more. :/ Some people get frightened, and assume that all people with mental illness would do something like that.

[sanityseeker]

Thank you everyone for your understanding. I am sorry we all face these kinds of false assumptions and misinformation about the condition. It isn't fair and being honest certainly can come with a price.

I was thinking about it some more.... of course.... hard to shake over thinking stuff sometimes.... but I was thinking about a time when I was at bingo and people are suppose to turn off their cell phones but many ignore the curteousy rule and phones are always ringing. This particular time there were three people around a table of 6 with cell phones buzzing (vibrating) contantly. The women beside me was texting her husband every few minutes. Cell phones are my pet peeve at the best of times but at bingo they really bug me.

The woman on the other side of me was equally irritated. Every time the phone would buzz one of us would say 'what is that buzzing?'. We knew it was the phone but wanted to show our annoyance with the hope they would shut off their phones. Neither of us was willing to confront directly. One of the women did shut her phone off but the one beside me was oblivious. Her phone continued to buzz every few minutes.

Why I mention this story now is because one of the things I said loud enough for all to hear was "She might want to shut that thing off before some menopausal rage is set off around here." Everyone at the table but the one busy texting laughed at my comment.

I wonder if they would have laughed if I had said bi polar rage. They probably would have stared at me with fearful eyes instead. Maybe the texter would have left the table at the intermission instead of me. I moved three times before I found a spot out of earshot of a damned phone that night.

[sanityseeker]

Thank you Owllover,
I do live independantly now and it is so much easier to cope without the pressure of his 'jokes', inappropriate disclosures and impatience with my out of control emotions. It was abusive and life is better without him triggering me all the time.

Breaking up was the best thing we ever did. Now that he is out of the hot bed of living with my condition he is much more understanding.

I am glad owllover that you were able to get yourself out of an abusive situation too and that you now have a partner who supports you.

I agree.... there should be no shame to bi polar. But for ignorance we would not feel the need to keep it a secret.

[sanityseeker]

Good one Perna. I will remember that next time. Sadly there is always a next time when someone will make a broad assumption.

In hindsight I wish I'd have at least said 'Yea, I'm a ticking time boom; you don't want to get me mad!'

[sanityseeker]

Thank you Fresia,
Keeping it confidential is best I guess... at least until people are more educated. The media will always go for the sensational.

I am so sorry you are being discriminated against. So not fair to be denied the opportunity to do good for yourself and others. If it were a paid position they probably couldn't do this to you. I hope another opportunity comes your way with people who are more accepting and not so ignorant.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

I wonder if they would have laughed if I had said bi polar rage. They probably would have stared at me with fearful eyes instead.

You made me think (stop that! :-) that most of the problem is because of people's ignorance of their ignorance. All women and most men know/joke about menopause and PMS, etc. but "bipolar" isn't really understood them and the name, all by itself, implies extremes? Having any sort of label is going to elicit stereotypes about that label and most people only know the name, not the treatment or how widespread the illness is, etc. Think of how most of the public probably gets schizophrenic and DID mixed up, thinking those with schizophrenia have multiple personalities.

I use to combat stereotyping that was applied to me by giving who-ever what they wanted, especially if I knew the person(s) and felt they should know better because they know me. When they'd make fun of me at work I'd tell them, "You know, my therapist and I have almost gotten my homicidal rage under control. . ."

[sanityseeker]

Thanks perpetuallysad,
Yes all of the sisters remain friends. One lives in the neighbourhood the others in different towns but we get together for family gatherings at least a couple of times a year.

I do think people don't realize how hurtful their comments are sometimes. The sisters are generally very loving and kind to me. They, like their brother can be very understanding and supportive when I am dealing with depression. They just don't think sometimes. They let their mouths motor without thinking how they sound or how their words might hurt me. I could probably talk to them about it and raise their awareness and sensitivities but I just haven't felt up to it. I think they will always be awed by the sensational and wonder about me on some level.

You are right. It is maddening and it makes one feel very alone sometimes. I feel those whispers and suspect that kind of talk between people who know outside my ear shot. No doubt the sisters are glad their brother and I broke up even though they still accept me as family.

[sanityseeker]

Thanks ohseedee,
I agree. The media really likes to sensationalize and the result is ignorant stereotyping of mental illness in general. It would be easier if all those who bought into the stereotypes were mindless, thoughtless people but too many people who should know better buy into the garbage too.

[sanityseeker]

Too funny Perna. Your sense of humour is clearly a source of great healing and strength. I am inspired to be so self accepting.

I think you nailed something of why I get upset when someone who should know better buys into the fear and makes comments that suggest they don't feel safe around me. They know me or at least I thought they did. I am forgiving because I know it is ignorance but still it hurts me when they show how little they really do know me.

I was at a gathering one time when someone started throwing a hundred questions at me in front of a group of people when she heard I was bi polar. How she heard I have no idea but she were intrigued I guess. Do you hear voices? Do you have black outs? Do you separate from your body? Do you see dead people?

She had heard little bits of this and that about various mental disorders and were tossing labels at me left and right. Eyes were popping in great excitment with my answers even though I was clearly not comfortable with her inquisition. When I stopped my yes or no answer and tried to walk away she held my arm and kept throwing questions at me and rolling off commentaries to show off her 'knowledge'. I was not human to her or to anyone listening to her. I was like someone in a freak show that they couldn't resist staring at. It was so humiliating. When I finally got away I just ran to my car and cried all the way home. Some of those people were my friends. Or at least they said they were my friends. No one came after me. No one saw it for what it was. They were oblivious to my feelings. People can be so stupid sometimes.

A Perna zinger would have been useful in that situation. Image the looks; the saucer eyes and fly catching mouths if I'd had one of your quick witted lines on my lips to give them in that moment.

I need to learn to not let people get to me and turn the tables on people instead.

[onomonapetia]

Sorry if I am repeating anyone else, but I hate when I hear about someone doing an unthinkable act and people around me ignorantly say things like, "wow, that sounds like they were bipolar or something." Really? I will always correct people on the spot and usually they feel like a jackass for saying that and end up sputtering apologies to me.

((((( sanityseeker )))))

[sanityseeker]

onomonapetia.... I think I am more inclined to snap back if I am manic but usually I try to hold my tongue for fear of not being able to stop once I start. If I am depressed holding back tears is all I can manage. Communication is impossible.

May be this is why I write. To express what I can't in person. Maybe someday something will actually get published and I can just pass them my book when the interigation starts. lol.

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

May be this is why I write. To express what I can't in person. Maybe someday something will actually get published and I can just pass them my book when the interigation starts. lol.

So so sooo true! Me too. Still hold back a bit when writing (personal journals anyway...). But not by much!
Verbally? When zipping? The verbal gatekeeper has left his post!

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by sanityseeker

In hindsight I wish I'd have at least said 'Yea, I'm a ticking time boom; you don't want to get me mad!'

...ever seen the movie, Girl Interrupted... at the icecream shop... don't mess with crazy people!

I tend to be pretty open about it; work, friends, family... its easier just to let people know when you first meet them than having them find out later... if someone that you don't really know responds in a bad way, then it doesn't matter, but if its someone that you like and respect... it is so much harder
What would happen if those people you were worried about reacted badly - it does not change one shred of who you are...
What if they didn't...

I am not ashamed to be BP. I was at first, but now I have a real sense of achievement after all I have survived and overcome.
It makes me a stronger and more compassionate person.

Think about the struggles you have been through, the fights you have won, the obstacles that you have overcome.
That you survive BP is a victory, it is something to be proud of...

[Amandas256]

I'm so glad that I joined PC! Reading what all of you wrote makes me feel better! Maybe one day, all of these stupid stereotypes will end. People need to understand the different kinds of mental illness before they try to label people with them.

[sanityseeker]

Sorry BlackPup for just now noticing your post. I admire your openness. I appreciate your wisdom. You are so right. It takes great strength and courage to cope with the ups and downs of the condition. Survival is something to be proud of. Thanks for putting the right perspective on this for me.

[sanityseeker]

Hi Amanda. I am glad you joined PC too. You are soooo right. People do need to understand more before they go around sticking labels on people or making so many broad assumptions. Enough with all these armchair shrinks!!

Wishing you all a good day.