I wanna be normal

I am stuck in a depressive black hole for several days now. Before you ask yes I am taking my meds. But what I really want is to be normal again no meds no moods like I am having. Depression SUCKS!

I know how you feel. I've been depressed for months now.

hi tmac. i've been away from the site for some time now. had a few minutes so thought i'd check in. read your post. years ago i said the same thing!!! a thought-if situation doen't improve over 24 hours, call your post doc. your meds may need tweaking. i had to go on that same roller coaster at first and then later. calling at least puts the pdoc in the loop. hope you're feeling better soon.-jan

hi Tmac...I think we all would like to be normal again...I hope you can find that, but I also hope you don't stop taking your meds without talking to your pdoc. I don't expect to ever be completely normal, but I accept that I'll be taking meds for the rest of my life and can have hope of being mostly normal. Hope you feel better soon.

i think that's what we all want really!

I have been seeing my bipolar diagnosis as more of a gift than a curse for awhile now. Yeah, I will have days where you will make me eat my words but for the most part, even on the down days. The blessings and inspirations from controlled, directed hypomania (learned behavior in response to moods) and in hind sight, have come to make me grateful for this double-edged sword.

I'm on meds, and feel normal for the first time in 10years.
Hoorah yeah, except I'm still adjusting to this normalcy, haven't quite grasped it yet. Pdoc,family and friends are thoroughly impressed though...

sorry if I sound like a spoilt brat, not quite sure why I'm sharing this. Maybe b/c normal is not so great afterall, but I know how crushing BP is, so IDK...

Yes it does suck and I hope it lifts for you soon. I don't like the hypomania either. The meds are necessary, but I wish I didn't have to take them.

I am so sorry Tmac. I am in the same boat as you right now. I am taking my meds everyday but I am going through pychosis at the moment. It has been going on for about 3.5 weeks and I am NOT manic. My hubby has been the one telling my I am in phychosis right now and I beleieve him. I have been trying to tell everyone and anyone who will listen to me about reincarnation, meditation and some phycic ablities I have. I guess that is all I talk about. 3 times now too, I have felt my mind splitting and have wrote some strange stuff in my journal that does not make a lot of sense. I also an convinced that I have it because I am afaid of my Pdoc now. I never have been before. Actually I always enjoyed going but I am afraid of him now and I do not know why. I think him and everyone else is trying to get me.
Sorry I wrote so much. I hope you feel better.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way Tmac. All I can say is that this depression will not last forever. Be kind to yourself during this difficult time. And remember that we are here to listen whenever you feel like you need to post. Sending you safe and gentle hugs.

Can I ever empathize with that. I often find myself thinking "Why Me!" In order to move past those thoughts, I have had to focus on the positives of my illness. I can think and feel past the bounds of normality. I can get much accomplished in my mania and get remotivated, and in my depressions I can sit back and recharge and evaluate how realistic the motivation was. It would be preferable to not have to view the world in this way, but doing so allows me to move forward.

Unfortunately being on the best meds mix possibkle doesn't always prevent deep, suicidal, major Bipolar Depressions. When they happen to me it just has to be risk management done in conjunction with my therapist and psychdoc. It's not always right that the meds are wrong, it's just that the illnesses is overwhelming.

I can never wish to "go back to what I was before Bipolar" as I now know at 43 that I had Early Onset Mental Illness which occurred because of both genetics and an horrific upbringing - fully expressing all those genes. So, I have always been sick. And I also followed the inheretence of my family and am an alcoholic and I began blackout drinking at 14 and didn't stop for 18 years until I was 32 - 11 years sober now in AA. I know that the alcoholism was both about genetics, but was also a response to my environment and was "self medication".

And despite all that, yes, I want to be normal too. But the reality is that I have an illness that at this time in history and with what science has to offer me, I will have for the rest of my life, so I have to manage it the best way I can. My therapist and psychiatrist both tell me endlessly that I am very rigorous about my recover and trying to extend myself into life, I am 100% meds compliant, very proactive in therapy both in consults and in my wider life, as well as my AA and my spiritual journey, for what that's worth. So that's all I can do.

I think we all know the feeling of wanting to be normal. It is so hard to keep on this rollercoaster we know as life. I'm really sorry you are going through a depressive stage. Have you talked to your pdoc about it? Your meds might need a little tweaking. Wishing the best for you and hoping you will pull out soon.

I want it all I want it all and I want it now
And like Gallager I'm still stuck in the sixties.
I would love to be normal but it just wasn't in the cards.
But one thing I can say.
I haven't been bored much
Love to all fellow bipolars.

sometimes i rail and fight against the BP and it all seems soo unfair..
but i loved your comment owl lover.. you are right.. i havent been bored much!!! LOL that has made my day thank you!

Awesome!! I can look back on my life and I've had some pretty exciting experiences as well as awful ones. There is a balance in there somewhere and I think everyone has to find their own balance. It's hard to have good thoughts when you're depressed, but I'm making it my goal right here and right now that anytime I'm in the woe-is-me mode, I will consciously remind myself of the awesome me!

I`ve had boredom, excitement and everything in between, but at least it`s been interesting.

I'm sorry you are so depressed I've had a couple depression spells lately and I'm hoping it doesn't turn into a full episode. My medication mostly helps.

I know what you mean! Being depressed DOES suck!! It's like you're stuck in a hole that most people would be able to climb out of but you just can't! And it seems so unfair that "normal" people can get sad but recover instead of getting stuck...

My dad's favorite saying when I was younger was quote from Scar in The Lion King "Life's not fair" and that's kinda how I feel about this whole thing - it's not fair but we just have to keep moving along, and keep trying to do our best to get through the day, even when we're depressed.

Work with your pdoc because obviously your meds aren't quite working. I think you can work something out!!

I hope you feel better!

Here I go again with another essay... I am not capable of writing a short message....

I believe in the late 1800's patients described by our symptoms and later named Bipolar were named in a medical journal as "insane geniuses". This occurred many decades before the discovery of lithium salts as a mood stabilizer, hence, patients were subject to radical, untreated mood swings which are often exacerbated by external stimuli. As you can imagine, the insane asylums of those days did not lend themselves to serene, mental health. However, even in present time, the more bipolar people I meet and the many lengthy lists of famous successful people who have both lived and died with bipolar disorder, I really do understand that term "insane geniuses" as there seems to exist with our hypomania a source of inspiration that is rare indeed amongst the population without the hypomanic experience. Of course, those who are unmedicated, untreated, isolated and uneducated are doomed to similar misery suffered by the patients prior to the discovery of lithium treatment. Yet, now in this enlightened time when we have so many options and resources, we also have the opportunity to harness our moods and use them to our advantage. What form that takes is as dependent on the particular mood and our individual response to said mood. If I am having problems handling a mood state that is not life threatening, I try to change my response, attitude and activate an activities plan to utilize the mood most advantagousley. If I am hypomanic, Im going to take advantage of that inspirational, energizing momentum and when I suffer depression, I am going to allow my body to rest and recharge.
I love that I am not having a mediocre, average life. Although it is difficult to be the one that stands out in the crowd and to not belong amongst my peer group, I am really beginning to appreciate the genetic gift of the bipolar order. As long as I keep my recovery first and stick to my recovery plan, there is rarely disorder in my life. Why focus on the negative of this condition? I am bipolar and I grateful for each day, just as I am for this forum.
Despite the meds, I am not sure I feel normal nor do I aspire to feel normal. Why would I want to limit myself when I am capable of so much more than those that are limited by their mood state? Yes, we can fall deep into the pit of despair but we can also soar amongst the birds aloft. I suppose the next step that I had to take beyond acceptance was to learn self-discipline. Yuck!

Even if I plan to spend the day in bed, I get up in the morning, make my coffee and breakfast, brush my teeth, change from my night gown into lounging clothes, make my bed, eat my breakfast, do my dishes and then go and lounge on my tidy bed. Simple, I know, but it began for me with the baby steps. I kept adding just a few more requirements to benefit myself, how I am. I made a list of approved manic/hypomanic activities that are healthy and non-destructive in any way, shape, or form. I also have an approved depression list and suicidal behavior is not an approved activity, nor is self-medicating, nor is cutting, nor is skipping my meds, and I have to call three people and tell on my disease... that I am in the pit... etc.

Each day, I remind myself that if I walked 15 miles into the woods, I can't expect myself to get back out just by retreating one mile. This will take time. For me, I have to learn to do everything different because what I was doing before REALLY wasn't working. Its a new way of thinking, a new way of feeling and a new way of living and you know what - this is the greatest adventure of my life! I can't wait to see who Im going to become when I grow up!

Ill close with this. My daughter played a song on her car stereo for me not to long ago. It was by a band named Cold Play, the song was "Fix you". It was all about how she was going to fix all my problems, take away my pain and fix me. I must admit, I kind of took exception to it! "Danielle, I'm not broken. God made me this way for a reason and God doesn't make mistakes ergo, there is nothing to fix. I don't know what the reason is yet and all I am is an extraordinary mind trying to figure out how to live in an ordinary world. One of the hardest things to do is to be different from everyone else and still feel comfortable in your own skin. You are growing up but so am I, in my own way. Be patient with me as I am patient with you. At least I don't pitch teenager hissy fits like someone I know!"

That shut her up!
Unique, extraordinary and glad to be with by people…. Finally…..
Sincerely, Colleen