[Kayla_Marie2005]

I'm having some problems with my mother and I dont know what to do. First of all you have to know some things about her. She has problems, like mental problems, and she wont admit it. I am Bipolar and I believe she is too, althought she denies it. She constantly belittles everything that I do. Shes one of those people that thinks nothing I ever do is good enough and that she is always right, and if I dont agree with everything that she says 100% she starts arguments with me. I am married and I have a 3 almost 4 year old daughter. I am a college student so I'm constantly busy with homework. My mother and my grandmother watch my daughter during the week so that I can get my homework done. My mother HATES my husband. She constantly tells me that he's dumb, and she says bad things about him all of the time. She also never uses his name, when she is talking about him she uses the name dumbf*ck, which she thinks is funny....and I've told her that I dont like it, and if she doesnt have anything good to say about him that she just shouldnt talk about him at all, she says these things in front of my daughter. She doenst listen to anything that I say, she doesnt respect me at all. I smoke but my house is smoke free, If I want a cigarette, I will go outside to smoke. She knows this but still walks in my house with a lit cigarette and then when I tell her to go outside she gets mad at me. She also walks through my house with dirty shoes on which i have told her repeatedly not to but she doenst listen to me. She one got physically and mentally violent when I didnt agree with her. She has called me "crazy" told me that I need to be committed, said that I was a bad parent (in a round about way) said that she doesnt know why my husband stays with me. She has hit me and pushed me, in front of my house. I almost fell backwards on my daughter because she pushed me while outside on the front steps of my house. I dont know what to do about her. She is very good with my daughter and she babysits for me when I have homework to get done. I dont know what to do because I need her to babysit. I try to ignore the things that shes done....its just getting harder all of the time. I'm thinking about just going a few weeks without contact with her at all, for me and my daughter. I'm hoping that she will realize that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and that I wont put up with it anymore. She has always been like this im just at my wits end with her and I cant take it anymore. Right now, she doesnt see anything wrong with anything that shes done. She even makes jokes about it sometimes.

[SunReach]

This seems an awfully difficult situation to handle...(especially as it seems your lives are closely linked at the present..) Have you talked about this with anyone else in your family? Husband or grandmother? I think distancing yourself for a while is a good idea, you need to take a breath and then think of a more permanent solution. And it is probably worth talking about this with your doctor as well. If she does need medical help, you're not in the position to do much about her...And since you suspect that indeed she is mentally unwell, I would say try not to hate her..! It might give you some peace to think that it's not herself, which she probably isn't, and deal with her with that in mind, avoiding conflict when you can, and not getting engrossed in the arguments..

I hope things get better soon and sorry I couldn't come up with any better advice!

[ladyjrnlist]

My dad is like that. I cut him out of my life for two years. Then he came back around wondering why. So, I told him. Now I just tell him when he's pissing me off. I've even hung up on him a few times. It seems to work. I guess it was about boundaries for me. Maybe you need to set some better boundaries. It's not cool for her to dis your hubs like that or to call you names in front of your child.

[madisgram]

oh kayla what a difficult situation for you. i know it must hurt too but try to realize your mom is not well. i'm not excusing her...she needs help..and a healthy distance from her is wise. her behavior is toxic to your ability to have serenity in your life. unless she gets help-doesn't sound like it-your not engaging in too much with her is probably best. distance doesn't have to be in miles...it's just protecting self by not being around her except when you choose. obviously setting boundaries with your mom doesn't work.
your daughter also is a concern by being around your mom. children learn behaviors good or bad. hopefully you can make some other arrangement so the two of you are in a healthier environment.

[lonegael]

Kayla. what a heartbreaking situation for you. Your mom is not treating you, your husband, and, no, nor your daughtoer with respect. Pushingyou so that you almost fall on her is not taking her safety into account. speaking of her parents in that fashion in front of her is not showíngher respect either, since that is where she in effect comes from. Sadly, I don't know how receptive you mom will be to hints, either. How much time to you have in college? HUGGGSSSS

[Kayla_Marie2005]

Originally Posted by SadRobot

This seems an awfully difficult situation to handle...(especially as it seems your lives are closely linked at the present..) Have you talked about this with anyone else in your family? Husband or grandmother? I think distancing yourself for a while is a good idea, you need to take a breath and then think of a more permanent solution. And it is probably worth talking about this with your doctor as well. If she does need medical help, you're not in the position to do much about her...And since you suspect that indeed she is mentally unwell, I would say try not to hate her..! It might give you some peace to think that it's not herself, which she probably isn't, and deal with her with that in mind, avoiding conflict when you can, and not getting engrossed in the arguments..

I hope things get better soon and sorry I couldn't come up with any better advice!

I have talked about this with my grandmother and my husband but my husband is the main target of her aggression so he doesnt really like talking about it. My grandmother agrees with me but she just says that my mother has always been this way and that no ones going to change her. I am going to try to distance myself from her by not contacting her for at least two weeks. But I know that when I do get in contact with her again, that things wont get any better. She will just find something else to be mad at me about. She does this to my brothers also. She refuses to see that there is anything wrong with what she is doing and im on my last leg with her.

[Kayla_Marie2005]

Originally Posted by ladyjrnlist

My dad is like that. I cut him out of my life for two years. Then he came back around wondering why. So, I told him. Now I just tell him when he's pissing me off. I've even hung up on him a few times. It seems to work. I guess it was about boundaries for me. Maybe you need to set some better boundaries. It's not cool for her to dis your hubs like that or to call you names in front of your child.

I have tried to set boundaries with her but she doesnt listen. I think its the fact that she wants to control the situation and every aspect of my life and unless shes doing that shes not happy. She doesnt listen to me at all when it comes to my thoughts or opinions. I dont want to cut her out completely because I would like my daughter to have a grandmother but I cant stand the way she talks about me and my husband

[Kayla_Marie2005]

Originally Posted by lonegael

Kayla. what a heartbreaking situation for you. Your mom is not treating you, your husband, and, no, nor your daughtoer with respect. Pushingyou so that you almost fall on her is not taking her safety into account. speaking of her parents in that fashion in front of her is not showíngher respect either, since that is where she in effect comes from. Sadly, I don't know how receptive you mom will be to hints, either. How much time to you have in college? HUGGGSSSS

I have tried talking to her about these things but she acts like its one big joke. She wont listen to anything I say and she treats me like I am a child. She also gets defensive anytime I try to bring anything up making it seem like it is all my fault. I will be done with college May 2011.

[azuloctobre]

Your mother sounds like mine. Hard as she makes it, you need to put your foot down and tell your mother that you absolutely under no conditions will accept her ****** behavior for another second. Find another babysitter. She doesn't deserve to spend time w/her grand-daughter when she behaves like she does and sets the example she does. If your daughter repetitively sees you disrespected by you mother and sees that you're not standing up to her, your daughter may think it's OK to disrespect you too.

Originally Posted by Kayla_Marie2005

I'm having some problems with my mother and I don"t know what to do. First of all you have to know some things about her. She has problems, like mental problems, and she wont admit it. I am Bipolar and I believe she is too, althought she denies it. She constantly belittles everything that I do. Shes one of those people that thinks nothing I ever do is good enough and that she is always right, and if I dont agree with everything that she says 100% she starts arguments with me. I am married and I have a 3 almost 4 year old daughter. I am a college student so I'm constantly busy with homework. My mother and my grandmother watch my daughter during the week so that I can get my homework done. My mother HATES my husband. She constantly tells me that he's dumb, and she says bad things about him all of the time. She also never uses his name, when she is talking about him she uses the name dumbf*ck, which she thinks is funny....and I've told her that I dont like it, and if she doesnt have anything good to say about him that she just shouldnt talk about him at all, she says these things in front of my daughter. She doenst listen to anything that I say, she doesnt respect me at all. I smoke but my house is smoke free, If I want a cigarette, I will go outside to smoke. She knows this but still walks in my house with a lit cigarette and then when I tell her to go outside she gets mad at me. She also walks through my house with dirty shoes on which i have told her repeatedly not to but she doenst listen to me. She one got physically and mentally violent when I didnt agree with her. She has called me "crazy" told me that I need to be committed, said that I was a bad parent (in a round about way) said that she doesnt know why my husband stays with me. She has hit me and pushed me, in front of my house. I almost fell backwards on my daughter because she pushed me while outside on the front steps of my house. I dont know what to do about her. She is very good with my daughter and she babysits for me when I have homework to get done. I dont know what to do because I need her to babysit. I try to ignore the things that shes done....its just getting harder all of the time. I'm thinking about just going a few weeks without contact with her at all, for me and my daughter. I'm hoping that she will realize that this kind of behavior is unacceptable, and that I wont put up with it anymore. She has always been like this im just at my wits end with her and I cant take it anymore. Right now, she doesnt see anything wrong with anything that shes done. She even makes jokes about it sometimes.

[kitty004567]

My mother used to pull similar stuff so I set up boundaries.. not boundaries for her, ones for me -to protect myself. The first thing I did was only talk to her by phone and anytime she started getting nasty I'd say: "Mom I'm not going to let you talk to me like that" and when she continued I'd hang up and not take her calls for the rest of the day. As far as your daughter goes I'd tell your mother that until she can behave in a manner that respects both you and your husband she cannot be around your daughter because you don't want her to see that kind of bad behavior modeled. I did this with my ex-bf's parents about his daughter and they quit talking smack really quickly when they realized it meant forfeiting their time with their granddaughter. Good luck! I'm sorry you're having to go through this.

[lonegael]

KM, it's not just a matter of your daughter disrespecting you, but a matter of how she learns to treat other aroung her, including her own children. We learn things we don't even realizewe learn, and she needs to learn that being a woman means standing up for herself and for her family. She learns this from you. She learns setting boundaries from you. She learns what to expect in life from you. I do not want to sound so harsh, dear, because I really can imagin that it is not so easy to change situations like this one, but something has got to give.
If she is the darling on your avatar, then you are a lucky lady, and she has a good mom to see that this is not an OK situation! I hope you can figure something out. HUGGGGS!

[Kayla_Marie2005]

Originally Posted by lonegael

KM, it's not just a matter of your daughter disrespecting you, but a matter of how she learns to treat other aroung her, including her own children. We learn things we don't even realizewe learn, and she needs to learn that being a woman means standing up for herself and for her family. She learns this from you. She learns setting boundaries from you. She learns what to expect in life from you. I do not want to sound so harsh, dear, because I really can imagin that it is not so easy to change situations like this one, but something has got to give.
If she is the darling on your avatar, then you are a lucky lady, and she has a good mom to see that this is not an OK situation! I hope you can figure something out. HUGGGGS!

Yes, that is my daughter in the picture. Thank you, she is my whole world. And I have decided to take your advice and stand up for myself. I am refusing to speak to my mother for the next couple of weeks so that she can see that there are consequences for her actions. I am also not allowing my daughter to be around someone that doesnt respect me or my decisions. I think that this is the best thing that I can do right now.

[wing]

I had a similar situation and did exactly what kitty said above. It worked in my case, too.

[kitty004567]

I'm so glad you've decided to take steps to protect your family. hugs!