[midnight_soul]

Hello every one

It's been a while since I posted and wanted to let every one know why. I have been so depressed over many issues, that I attempted suicide so.....I was hospitalized in a mental ward for a week. I also began shock treatments again to see if they would help me. Personally, they are a joke in my opinion, my veins are bad and stripped so they have put me on hold for a week before I recieve another one. I have made the choice not to proceed these treatments any further because they are really affecting my body, so much pain because these treatments cause you to seizure and even though you are under a controlled inviornement, I wake up feeling like I have been in the worse car wreck imaginable not to mention my poor veins are shot and my arms look worse than a junkie. Anyway, nothing is helping me so my husband and I are going to start group therapy soon to see if that may help me with my deepest dark moments in my mind.

Everything is falling apart for me. We have no money, I am behind on child support and I was just told yesterday that if I want to see my children for Christmas I must travel to Missouri ( I live in Texas) to see them. In many ways I do understand and agree. It is a long drive here and it really isn't fair to my kids to make them endure such a long drive there and back with only 4 days of enjoying Texas. Their Grandmother which I HATE by the way, she is very wealthy and her husband is in the top 4 criminal defense attorneys in the USA. He was one of O.J. Simpsons Attorneys way back when. I can't fight them, tried and lost my kids to them. Anyway, her and I spoke about why I am so behind, I told her it was my health but did NOT tell her where I was or why my God I might as well shoot myself if I ever allow her to know. I did admit I was in the hospital, my cancer is coming back and my meds are eating us alive. Because we are broke, I haven't been able to keep up with child support. So, she is going to fly me to Missouri so that I can see the kids there. My husband will have to drive, they refuse to help him in any way but thats ok, he is tough and doesn't mind. I will come back with him after the holiday break is over for my children.

I thank all those who have been in touch to check up on me. God bless each of you, and I pray for those names each night. I am not making that up, I really do pray for you guys.

As for myself, I think these shock treatments have made me worse. I can't remember much good, but I sure as heck remember all the evil, the bad and ugly that has made me this way. Nothing seems to work for me. Not meds, not the shock treatments, not prayer, NOTHING. The only reason I am choosing to stay now is because I see the light in two areas. My children need me even though they don't get to live with me or see me as much as they want, AND, I have such a wonderful adoring husband. He is tall and sexy, the kindest man I have ever met, so full of love and devotion to me no matter what I have put him through. He needs me just as MUCH as I need him.

Thank you for all that read this rather long post, I do appologize. I so wish I could help some one out there as I have been helped by certain members here. I am a very good listener so if any one wants to vent privately, I am your gal and I promise I keep everything private, even from my husband. He doesnt push me into telling him anything that I don't wish to share unless it concerns me wanting to end my life. I promise that has never had anything to do with anyone in here. It has to do with me feeling like a mother without her children. I have been replaced by money, a huge beautiful home, and all the extra curicular activites money can buy. Hell I can't even afford the child support so I don't know where we are going to get money to buy them each a christmas gift. That thought is killing me inside and I don't know what to do. I try to get work, but every one knows I have cancer, mental issues etc so they won't hire me. I am so down. Sh** I am just babeling on here......so sorry. I am done.

Take care everyone, and keep in touch if you need a friend. That is one thing I CAN DO.

Oh midnight_soul!!!
I don't even know what to say but that I'm sooo glad -- inexpressibly thankful--you didn't succeed with your attempt and so glad also to see you back here at PC.
I wish there was something I could do to help with all that is overwhelming you right now.
One important thing to remember though... You could NEVER EVER EVER be replaced by money.!!!!! NEVER!!!

[madisgram]

(((((((((Midnight)))))) i will pray for you, just me. i am glad that at least you will get to see your children. so sorry so much is going on in your life. know we care and post when you can.

[larakeziah]

hey midnight soul, i'm sorry you're going thru all this i can't begin to imagine how you are coping! I don't have half as much going on and i'm crumbling! God bless you! Glad you have managed to get back on here. The guys on here have helped me immensely these past couple of weeks. I hope we can help you in some way even if jus to listen. Take care!

[hugs46]

Hi Midnight!

I too suffer from deep depression. Sucks, doesn't it. I want you to do one thing for me though...I want you to keep praying...don't stop....give this over to God. Suicide is not the answer. Believe in God. He can heal you. I know he can. Don't lose FAITH. Tell God you want to be healed. Tell him every day and every night. Don't give up. Tell him you want to be healed so you can participate in your childrens lives. You have to be actively praying. I keep telling God to heal me every day. I know my time is coming. I know I will get better. Have you read Joel Osteen's book, It's Your Time? If not, then go to the library and check it out. It is very inspirational. By the way, he lives and ministers in Houston. I wish you all the best. I wish you all the happiness in the world. But most of all, I wish you peace and healing. Take care my dear.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Midnight_Soul

It is soooo good to see you back on here. I am glad your back. Sorry for all your stresses and worries... life is not fair or easy sometimes is it!!!

I hope you are doing well despite all your other "issues/worries" You know we are all here for you no matter what time of the day or night it is

Take Care

xxxxxxx

[ladyjrnlist]

I know how bad ECT makes you feel. Hang in there. Make sure you find something to keep you busy while your hubby is out.

[PT52]

Hey Midnight_Soul...welcome back, we missed you. So much for you to have to deal with...I hope you find the peace you really deserve. Getting to see your children, even for a few days, is wonderful! I went through a similar situation with custody many years ago, and I learned to appreciate the moments I had with them. Hugs is right - suicide isn't the answer. There are too many people in this world who would have a big whole in their hearts if you weren't in their lives. Just try to remember that it is a permanent solution for a temporary problem. Lots of hugs..

[Trippin2.0]

Thinking of you midnight, I know the time you'll get to spend with your kids will be amazing for you guys, and as mentioned before NOTHING can replace you in their lives, not money, material things or extra curricular activities. You hold a place in their hearts and lives that nobody and nothing could ever replace. NEVER doubt this♥

[kitty004567]

(((midnight))) I feel terrible for you but I'm so glad that the grandmother agreed to fly you out there. Enjoy your time with your kids. And as far as Christmas goes can you make them something little (do you cook or make candy or paint)? Give them something money can't buy...a piece of you and your time. That's the best gift.

[sugahorse1]

Hi and welcome back. I'm sorry things are so difficult for you are the moment. Break every day down into little chunks, and when you have achieved or done something, write it down. Let it be an inspiration to you to see how you really are progressing.
I too pray that things will improve for you. You are a very strong person, someone i really admire and have missed on PC - keep your head up and listen to me - you are STRONG