I dont wanna die, but i aint keen on living either

Thats song lyrics by the way that i completely understand!

I am such a pickle, i'm manic right now, but depressed, Begins with D i think, but i cant remember.
I suffer SO MUCH with self hatred and i cant actually believe that will ever change.
I need the world to stop but it wont..
I dont want to die, cause i am so scared by it! it makes so sense, i have so much anxiety over death that even when i am suicidally depressed i physically couldnt bring myself to do that. which most would say was a good thing, but i HATE the fact i cant do it, i feel so weak.
i resent all the people who care if i live or die, cause if they didnt love me things would be so much easier.
So basically i am stuck here, living and i cant stand it, there is no where i want to be and nothing i want to do...
i have this massive urge in me that i need to get out of my life completely! but then its not my life thats the problem its me..

Oh and last night i lost 2 best friends, they are a couple, i'm not saying sorry cause i havent done anything wrong. but i cant quite convince myself that i am better off without them. But i know i am, but i keep thinking, i would rather just be friends with them again, even tho i know that cant like me that much for doing what they did and i shouldnt be so much of a mug!!!

I have a job in a shop, and its fine, its a nice little job, to get some money while i am at college, i used to work in bank but the pressure just broke me.
but this job, the only pressure is selling a few raffle tickets! so why is that i just REALLY dont want to go... there is something wrong with me, its exactly what i need and want yet, i just dont want to be there! Although its not so bad when i am there, its just the thought of it.

I dont think any of this is really linked to the bipolar..

Oh and Grandiosity, i asked a few of my friends today, who dont really know about the BP and they said that it does apply to me and i cant be really like over confident and think i am amazing... And deep down i know its true but dont want to believe that people think that of me, that makes me HATE myself even more.. How can i experience Grandiosity and self hatred at such a level at the same time..
"i dont like me, but i am pretty amazing, and wayyyy better than you, at pretty much everything, you have to like me, but i refuse to!"

How is it that this is all in MY head but i have no bloody idea whats going on!!

You are thinking too much! Try to take a step back and calm down a little. One thing at a time. You'll be oK.

I swear i analyse EVERYTHING every single thing is going round and round in my head with 100 explanations and possibilities and it NEVER stops!

Oh dear, indeed you think and analyse a LOT! I get into impossible turmoils myself though, so I'm not the one to talk. Have you talked to someone about it all? Doctor or therapist?

What I would suggest will sound a bit lame, it's a CBT exercise, as simple as keeping a thought record. I have found it useful (regardless of all the things I have against CBT). Now, I know that a million different things go through your head at once so that you probably feel you can't disentangle the mess at all..But it's not impossible. Maybe start by trying to figure out what's obstracting you from functioning at any point during the day, or brings overwhelming feelings that are translated into another thought-turmoil. I think step one is to acknowledge the 'mess' (which you've done) and then step 2 is to observe it, observe yourself and even though you can't give a comprehensive description of what's going on in your head you start picking up main threads and go from there..It is important though to observe without judging. Leave judgments for later, the important thing is to see what your brain is doing and judging is what makes the turmoil worse. One thought at the time, one issue at the time. I don't want to encourage more thinking, but maybe turn it to more conscious and 'controlled' thinking.
Still, my no.1 advice would be to talk to a professional about this...

Hope you feel more peaceful soon

I had CBT, but it never seemed to really get anywhere! Now i'm having a 3 month assessment with a team who deals with young people who have an onset of psychotic behaviour (or something). So maybe whatever they do will help.
I used to write a diary, where all these silly things would go! but for some reason, i am unable to write it any more. I'm not sure why.
i just feel worn out by it all.
What do you do when you cant live but cant face dying either? I have just failed at life i think

Yeah, I found that CBT isn't 'deep' enough to uproot problems, just helps you handle them a bit better (but not actually solving them).
Maybe try the diary again. Even if you don't feel like it, make it a daily habit to open and write sth. Even if it is 'I don't want to write anything' or just one word, anything. I think it keeps that sort of 'portal' open and your voice doesn't get completely muffled by the thoughts or indeed tiredness..

But I can assure you you haven't failed life! You can't fail life. And it's a good thing you can't face dying! And it has nothing to do with cowardice. How I see this - being a complete outsider - is that you're locked in a position where you know what you want to do, you want to live, but sth blocks you....But I do believe you want to live. The reason death appeals - I think - is because life seems too much of a hassle to be worth the trouble, or indeed seems even as black and empty as death. But life is mobile and ever-changing opposed to death and even though you 'can't' live right now, this is bound to change, and that is a fact. So, try to believe in life and in your will to live. And try to find things you love..Even if they're 'stupid' little things and you think it's stupid thinking of it..Just make statements like 'I love the clouds'. I realise how Disney-like and even 'stupid' this may sound but love is indeed everything for me!

So..Much love from a stranger and I hope you feel better soon

Thats exactly what i found with CBT, we spent the whole six sessions concentrating on how i deal with stress at work cause in the first session, i had just come from work and it had really stressed me out.
Because i always have so much going on in my head, i find it so hard to communicate with doctors and people, i wont have finished my sentence and they will kind of stop me and change the subject and i will be like, "i havent said what i meant to say, what i have said isnt even right!"
But yes i do want to live, i just want my life to be better, i want to like myself and i want to succeed at at least ONE THING!!
I want my friends to love me.
I will start the diary again i think.... Thats another thing wrong with me, i have NO self discipline, i can never make myself do stuff i dont want to do!!
Thank you so much for the advice, i like how constructive it was, which is what i need cause there is nothing constructive in my head!

I'm glad I helped :-)
I know it's hard to have a productive conversation with therapists, especially when their aim is to focus on one 'tree' and they don't realise that it doesn't always give you an accurate idea of the problem..
Self-discipline is an issue for so many people, I find it hard myself, especially when I attach high expectations at every task, including diary entries, such as, 'it must reflect how I feel, what I think etc, with accuracy and so forth', which is why now I focus on ONE thing, just write sth, even if it is nonsensical scribbles.

Keep us posted and take care.

I too battle with communicating with my pdoc and T. What I am now starting is to just write down my thoughts - more or less like your first post - and then taking it in to T and reading it aloud. It really doesn't matter that it is such a jumble - T will help me work it out.
When my head is as busy as yours, I try and go to sleep. You can spin yourself into a depressive episode if you keep dwelling on what's in your head all the time.

I also know the feeling of wanting to die, but not being able to bring yourself to do it. Please realise that this IS a good thing. It shows that somewhere in you, you do have the strength and will to carry on. These very negative thoughts will only exist while you are in the darkness of depression. When you get out, you will look back and think how ridiculous those thoughts were.
Please remember to stay safe. Know your boundaries, and have a back-up plan in place.
We are here to support you
(((HUGS))) Jackie