[Blue Krik]

Hey...It's been a long time since I last logged in here, and that's probably a bad thing. I say this because the last time I was around I was dealing with a major depressive episode and it felt good to be around people who could share some of their wisdom. And then, my hypomania kicked in and I felt like I didn't need anyone, like I was on top of the world and I could do anything.

Back in March I was dealing with the emotional abuse of my family and that was pretty much all I could think of. In April when my moods began to switch, I turned my whole life upside down. I moved from Romania to the UK (what?!), I dropped out of college (though I'm not sorry, accountancy was really not my thing), and here I am now. My hypomaniac episode has been going on for some time, because I dropped all my medication (having moved all across the continent, I had to stop therapy). And well, I've been lying to myself, pretending like this is how life is supposed to be, like I'm not in some kind of high of the bipolar disorder.

But. Lately, I've been feeling down. I think another depressive episode is on its way and I say that because I recognize most of the symptoms. Before, I used to stay in bed all day and watch TV shows (because I couldn't stand being alone and so I had to hear SOME people talk - thus the TV shows). I stopped doing that when I moved to London. I used to be annoyed with people, bothered that they would call or ask to see me. I'm in that place again, after seven months of being a complete social butterfly. I thought of this being the result of the approaching winter, but it's more than that. I feel perpetually sad and without purpose, no matter what I do. I can't seem to keep any friends and that saddens me even more. Practically the only good thing that came from my hypomaniac episode was discovering what I really want to do with my life, but that's not going to help me if I get depressed now.

I guess...I don't know. I just needed to vent a little, I'm scared of what's right around the corner, because of how I reacted the last time. And while I understand my high time was only a manifestation of this disorder, I kind of enjoyed it. Even though I moved away from home, in a country where I don't know anyone and I was completely alone at first. People called me brave, but I think I'm just a fool. In the end, I'm still alone. My relationship with my parents changed, in that my father thinks I'm so awesome because I had the courage to leave, but now he expects me to do things like go back to school, get married, buy things like cars and houses etc etc etc. I'm just at the beginning of this road and while it's hard for perfectly sane people to do all that, I feel it's even harder for me. I can't really pick up and do stuff on command, especially if I feel like I don't matter in this world. Which is kind of how I feel right now. It's just...Some days I feel totally fine, and then the night comes and I'm so blue. And then there are those days when I feel completely worthless.

I don't know. I'm thinking of going back to therapy, because it seems that the only way to learn to live with bipolar disorder is through the right medication. Who knows.

[blueoctober]

Hi Blue Krik; we haven't met, but I'm glad you decided to post again. For me medication and therapy are a necessity for managing the bipolar, so it may be worth it for you to try that route again.

Originally Posted by Blue Krik

I don't know. I'm thinking of going back to therapy, because it seems that the only way to learn to live with bipolar disorder is through the right medication. Who knows.

Welcome back, Blue Krik (though we've not met yet, sounds like it's been quite awhile...)! Totally agree you should pursue the therapy and meds. Totally understand the "No, no, really, I'm great! Really! Don't need any meds thanks anyway!" thing. I even said it to a Pdoc, as I was pretty much bouncing off the couch. She gave a knowing look and said, "call me when you change your mind". She knew, and it wasn't long before I knew it too, then was scrambling. It had been a long hypomanic span (sounds like yours was too) which made it all the harder to accept I would ever come down again. So wrong(!) It's good for you that you are recognizing what is going on, and what you need to do. Please do it soon --perhaps on one of the days when you're feeling pretty ok if that works for you. (For me it's easier to tackle at such times... and because the really down times are so close at hand and pervasive, it's harder to deny it. Maybe it is for you too. Though others do it better the other way around. You know youself best of course. )

Please keep us posted, ok?

[Blue Krik]

Thank you both, it's really nice to meet you (:

I guess I'm like that sometimes, bouncing off the walls and feeling like I could climb mount Everest if someone asked. I even told my mom that, a few months ago and she was really happy for me, thought that I overcame my depression (my mom doesn't really want to believe I suffer from bipolar disorder, even though I have been officially diagnosed). But I guess I didn't, and now I must return to therapy and meds. I think therapy was more helpful than the actual meds, because when I'm depressed I don't really have the will to pick up the phone and talk to my friends, so I feel all alone. Obviously, it's self-inflicted, but still. I find that talking about my feelings and mood swings, trying to understand them and the triggers, is very helpful for my mental state. Understanding my condition allows me to try and do something about it, that's what I always thought.

[madisgram]

well welcome back, U !!! i was away last year too. yeah those cycles can really throw us off. i do hope you hook up quickly with a T and pdoc. both have worked so well for me i just do it even if i'm ok. had a spiral down myself...first time in 20 years that it was that bad. how quickly we forget.
you know i moved away from my dysfunctional family and stayed away in miles for 20 years. it was the happiest i've ever been. last year i moved to the same state as my family and YUP they triggered me all over creation, then i took a nose dive.
the UK is an awesome country. try to network to make friends. in my case i made my own family-my friends. works for me. so consider this as an adventure and enjoy the heck out it. you're away now from family. create your new independent life!!! (you'll enjoy not having your family on top of you and can always say----whoops there's someone at my door. i have to hang up now.) yeah baby....

[lonegael]

Hi blue krik! I think I missed you in passing, since i was ioff for a whle getting into a new job. glad to meet you. It sounds like getting into therapy now while you still have the gumption to do it but while you know that you need to is a good idea. don't wait too long because you might be too low to motivate youself later. Your therapist can help you make the connections to get to a p-dogc in time if that feel like the route you have to go. For me, meds and therapy is the best route, though I have had to stop therapy because it is only offered here during work hourse and I commute, making arrainging it logistically as complicated as catching Osama bin Ladin. Anyhoo. glad you caught your own symptoms and came back! HUGGGGS and let us know what happens!

[wing]

Hi, blue krik. You came to the right place and are doing the right things. It's just a matter of time for you now. You've been there before so you know the depression always lifts. I hope you can find the right med combo to even out some.

[sugahorse1]

Hi, and welcome back. I'm sure I remember you - but I was still very much new myself!
Sorry to hear you're having a hard time, but it seems like the last while has been beneficial to you - you have found some direction in your life, made some big decisions, and have also been able to be honest with yourself regarding your condition - WELL DONE!

I hope you manage to find a pdoc and T you are comfortable with fast. We are here for you any time
(((HUGS)))

[Blue Krik]

Wow, I'm kind of overwhelmed here, reading all these replies. Thank you, thank you, thank you! And while I know it's been over a month since I started this topic, I'm happy to report that I've finally taken steps towards going back to therapy. Had my first session last week and I already got started with some mood stabilizers.

I'm just...
I don't even know. My new T was a bit confused, cause my GP had told him this was about depression, but when I saw him, he asked me how I felt and so, I told him I felt sad and with no motivation to get up in the morning, but all the while I was so agitated, my thoughts were racing and whatnot. He was looking at me like I was insane, sort of. This is why this bipolar thing confuses me, cause I feel very much dead inside, but on the outside I'm like that rabbit in the commercial. I get bored very easily, I switch from one thing to another in a matter of minutes, I can't think about one thing at a time etc. And then on top of all that, I'm angry at myself because of that.

Oh, dear. It seems to me like this is a vicious circle. I want to break free?!