[Sepheroth75]

So a week ago my wife whom I have been separated from since September, is sleeping around. I have been working to get back in the system and get a therapist while working with my doctor on the meds. we had talked about a temporary separation but this is too much. I love her with all my soul and can't help it, so I crashed, I haven't slept for more than 15 minuets at a time and usually wake up screaming from the nightmares. The rest of the time I am gripped with total anxiety which makes it hard to even breathe, I mean every breath requires physical effort. Have not been able to eat either, I think I lost 15 pounds this week. I am afraid of going totally manic. I am in hell right now. I have lost my voice because I sit in my car and scream as loud and hard as I can. I don't have a job and cant find one, let alone keep one at this point. This provides me with plenty of time to despair until I see a therapist. Sanity is something I seem to be real short on. I seem to be under more stress than I can handle. My 5 year old daughter asks me everyday when I am coming home, and I tell her I don't know and try not to cry. I just tell her daddy is sick right now. I pick her up from school and take her to my former home where all my animals and most of my possessions are, and watch her for 4-5 hours until she gets home from work. She wont talk to me and I try to talk to her. Its killing me. No one should ever have to feel the way I do. I would not, could not wish this on my own worst enemy (besides myself of course). I am beginning to wonder if I have died and this is hell. Cant stop shaking, or crying, I am not suicidal (Thank you God), but I am a total wreck. I have to watch my daughter this week end and my wife said she was going out of town so I am totally screwed up about that as well. I so need to relieve stress right now and nothing is working. I see my doctor in 11 hours. Maybe a medicated vacation is in order so I can sit in the corner and drool. It's funny too that when the sun goes down the anxiety quadruples. I am so sick of feeling weak and helpless, I am a damn Biker for love of pete. I just hurt so much and want it to heal!

[PT52]

How are you doing today? Was your doctor able to help?

[Omers]

OK, 2nd to last sentence is buggin' me. I have never been a Biker so this is a total generalization but... Behind the the leather and steel Bikers are some of the biggest softies I know, with great big hearts hidden behind all that leather. And true Bikers (excluding Gangs who have bikes) there is a very strong code of conduct and loyalty. All of that can make this even more difficult.
I am sorry that you are in such pain and are finding it difficult to find relief. I hope that your doctor was/is able to help. We are here to listen if you need us.

I wish you weren't hurting so very badly, Sepheroth75... this is a lot going on all at once, so try not to be too hard on yourself (easier said than done, I know...). I'm glad you are seeing your therapist very soon. Please keep us posted, ok? We're here to listen and be a shoulder. Meanwhile

[kikki27]

Originally Posted by Sepheroth75

So a week ago my wife whom I have been separated from since September, is sleeping around. I have been working to get back in the system and get a therapist while working with my doctor on the meds. we had talked about a temporary separation but this is too much. I love her with all my soul and can't help it, so I crashed, I haven't slept for more than 15 minuets at a time and usually wake up screaming from the nightmares. The rest of the time I am gripped with total anxiety which makes it hard to even breathe, I mean every breath requires physical effort. Have not been able to eat either, I think I lost 15 pounds this week. I am afraid of going totally manic. I am in hell right now. I have lost my voice because I sit in my car and scream as loud and hard as I can. I don't have a job and cant find one, let alone keep one at this point. This provides me with plenty of time to despair until I see a therapist. Sanity is something I seem to be real short on. I seem to be under more stress than I can handle. My 5 year old daughter asks me everyday when I am coming home, and I tell her I don't know and try not to cry. I just tell her daddy is sick right now. I pick her up from school and take her to my former home where all my animals and most of my possessions are, and watch her for 4-5 hours until she gets home from work. She wont talk to me and I try to talk to her. Its killing me. No one should ever have to feel the way I do. I would not, could not wish this on my own worst enemy (besides myself of course). I am beginning to wonder if I have died and this is hell. Cant stop shaking, or crying, I am not suicidal (Thank you God), but I am a total wreck. I have to watch my daughter this week end and my wife said she was going out of town so I am totally screwed up about that as well. I so need to relieve stress right now and nothing is working. I see my doctor in 11 hours. Maybe a medicated vacation is in order so I can sit in the corner and drool. It's funny too that when the sun goes down the anxiety quadruples. I am so sick of feeling weak and helpless, I am a damn Biker for love of pete. I just hurt so much and want it to heal!

Iam sorry you are going through this and I hope you are not going too be suffering and in so much pain huggs

[blueoctober]

Sepheroth75 most people in your situation, bipolar or not would feel very similar to you. Unfortunately the bipolar can amp it up by 100. I hope you're feeling better soon and your able to enjoy your time with your children during the holidays.

[LaraLynn]

I am so very sorry you are going through this. How are you doing today? How did it go with the Dr?