keeping secrets. Possibly triggering (though i hope not)

i am a keeper of secrets. My family does not know about my bipolar (i dont live at home, im a grownup )
My poor younger brother has struggled with anxiety and not being able to sleep for twelve months now (hes being treated for PTSD after a car accident) and my younger brother has said he is bipolar (too). Seems like we have a theme running here.
Am i letting my family down by not sharing my diagnosis??? (my partner does know my diagnosis, but doesnt know much about the condition.
Also i have never ever told anyone how suicidal i get (at minimum four times a year) when my deepest longest depressions hit. when they hit i make my plans, and struggle not to impusively act on them. I have two small children. Normally i have my responsibilty to them to keep me from considering this way out . But sometimes i convince myself they are better off alone. Should i tell my partner? My friends? Obviously i should tell my doc but im not seeing her now.

Are you on any medication? Do you have the option to find another doctor? If you have gone so far as to make plans, you need to see someone. And not later - NOW. And no, your children will never be better off alone. They will just be alone. I would say, tell your partner everything..even those things that you're afraid of the most. Ask for help and for support. You do not have to go through life feeling this way; there are so many options.

but i am ok right now, the plans and the desire are gone. weeks ago now.
Thankyou though i probably should find a new doc or return to my one. Im only on my effexor i left the mood stabilizers behind (after i got out of that last major depression)

i know now (and when im stable i always know) that my kids need me, i know how selfish the act would be and as long as im ok and not having 'intrusive thoughts' i am completely against the act and slightly ashamed i ever considered it

Don't ever be ashamed, be proud of yourself for facing this every single day. I hope you find a doctor soon so you can find the right balance of meds. And always remember there are people here who hear you and understand. Lots of peaceful vibes coming your way..

thankyou (thats exactly what i would say to someone else) i appreciate your response!

I suffered in silence as well and never told anyone about those thoughts. I was found attempting and after a 6 week long Psychiatric Hospital stay I was diagnosed with BP in 2007. Learn from my mistake and let someone know when you have those thoughts (even if it's just a Pdoc, therapist or GP). I know it's hard, but the alternative can be very dangerous.

As far as disclosing about your diagnosis it's certainly a personal decision. I find keeping secrets stressful, so I made the decision to be open about it.

thankyou blueoctober . I will try to talk , now while im ok and i can

I have told my partner and some close friends. But my family doesn't know. That's how I choose to have it.
I also battle with those thoughts, but I know I can talk to my T about it and she won't freak out at me. But at the same time ensure I'm safe.

Hi rapidcycle, I'm not a professional but I do know what its like from the partners perspective. Your partner obviously loves you and if its genuine, he is going to understand. In my case I just wish my partner would have just said to me "look....I'm BP and this isn't going to be easy....but I will love you and I will do all I can to try to maintain...and when I don't maintain....I'm going to love you more for understanding."

As for the family, I think everyone in the family knows, maybe they are just waiting for you to tell them that you know. The kids are going to need your understanding when they get older. So, stay there and keep doing what you need to do to survive. Take the meds and see the doc and raise your head up high and realize that you are truely special.

why do u assume they know..

I don't know why I said that. Seems like I am relating to close to my personal situation. Its hard to think clear.

thats ok, was slightly paranoid and hostile before