[bipolarpartner1]

Hello everyone! I am new to this site and really feel that your advice may help me.

My boyfriend is bipolar. We have been together almost a year.I have never been with someone who is bipolar, and he did not tell me his condition,until about 4 months into the relationship. I truly love him, and want him to be happy, but as of late, I am not sure if i am helping, or just need to let this relationship go, as painful as it may be.

Let me give you a history of what has been going on, from my side.

When we first started dating, it went very fast. He would call often, from the very beginning, and I have never been in a relationship before, where a man was so attentive. I was very impressed, thinking he must really like me, and be interested in getting to know me better. But sometimes, I would sit back and wonder why he was calling so much, so soon. I am a little needy from time to time, but even for me, it was kind of...strange. But, the relationship was all new, so I just enjoyed the attention. After about 3 dates, he told me he knows we are going to get married one day, and that he just knew i was the one for him. I would say to him.."you dont even know me"..and he said that he just new, and that i should get ready for the "silver screen" life with him. I was very impressed, but still guarded, do to this being a very new relationship. I just figured he was a little infatuated with me.

Everything continued to go very well, and eventaully we moved in together, along with my daughter. He proposed to me, and I was not ready yet, but said yes, figuring that it would be a very long engagement. He has a son, but his son has been adopted by his mom and dad. He had a son when he was 17, and the girl was 15. He felt he was too young, and his parentw agreed, so his son never has lived with him, and he does visit and attend school functions from time to time. My partner is currently in law school, almost finished, and is very busy.

I met his son and family, and everything was going very well. He has a great kid, and my daughter gets along very well with him. I was very happy, thinking what a great relationship, and very happy with how well our families were blending together with ease. I did, however, always have a wonder about why his son, when he got older, did not come to live with his dad, and why communication between the two was more like a friendship, then a father and son. But, i figured that the son had bonded with the grandparents, and it is what it is. Having a daughter myself, I could not grasp the concept of being apart from my child like that, but my partner expalined to me that his son was adopted when he was a baby because the mother left after he was born and is on drugs, lives in another state, and wants nothing to do with her son at all. My partner and his parents believed for the best interest of the child, that they would raise him, so my partner could finish high school, and continue on to college. He is now alomost finished with law school.

After moving in, I noticed things started to change, and very quickly. I had been in a previous relationship for 5 years, and we lived together. I understand that things will change when people live together, especially as soon as we did. And way too soon, indeed.

All was going well until one evening my partner came home from class and was lying on the couch. Normally, when he came home, he was talkative and asked how eveyones day went. This evening, he was lying in the couch, with a migraine. I just figured that he didnt feel well, so I asked if I could do anything for him, and what was going on. He became very irritated with me, and flew off the couch twrd me, and started an emotional assult. He was saying that i was picking at him, would not leave him alone, and that he just wanted to be left alone. I was very upset at the way he was talking to me, and I started crying. My daughter was in the other room, but im sure she could hear what was going on, and that really upset me. He didnt even care, he jsut sat in a chair, stared at me, and had no reaction at all to the way he was behaving. I explained to him that I was scared of his reaction, and wanted to know what was going on. It was lamost like a personality change. He then said " I told you I am bipolar."

I was never told that, and had no idea that this is what bipolar is. Things calmed down, and he began to tell me that he felt he was entering one of his "dark" phases of his disorder. He then explained to me that this happens to him 3-4 times a year, then expalined how his works when this occurs. He explained that he will not talk, sometimes for a week at a time--to anyone, extreame irritability and mood swings, sex drive is very high when manic, and zero when not. All of these things he was explaing really scared me, adn i felt very deceived becasue after moving in, and most importantly my daughter is there, also--i had a bombshell dropped on me. I didnt know what to do. So, i started to do research, and speak with him more and more about how he is feeling. I wanted to make sure this is someone my daughter and myself could live with, and that it wa a healthy environment for us all.

Well, the bahavior continued, and i broke things off and moved out. He kept trying to get me back, explaining that things will get better, and he would try harder, and he is on meds to help, so i took him back, but did not move in, and took things slow. Now, its been a few months, and now he is almost done with school, has better self esteem and all seems to be going well. Until, one night, he was upset i was not in the bedroom ( he was sleeping, so i went on the couch to watch tv), and wanted me to come back to bed. I explained that i was watching tv and didnt want to keep him awake with the noise. he then changed again, and climbed on the table, would not get down until i got into bed with him, and when i said that he was acting crazy, he then took all my things and threw them into the hallway.

I was so upset, but being 2am, i expalined i would leave in the morning. He finally left into the bedroom, and the next morning, i packed up and left. As i was leaving, he told me he had felt i was yelling at him too much, and he felt distant from me. And, then he told me he thought i am bipolar, and need to get checked out. I was so upset. after all the beinding over backwards, trying to mkake peace, helping build him up--then this!!!

I explained i need to think about things, and figure out if this is going anywhere. I do love him, but im not sure if this is just time to walk away.

ANy adive? Thanks.

No one deserves to be mistreated. There is no excuse for mistreated those around you, bipolar or otherwise. Personally, I'd move on. You have a daughter's welfare to consider, and being around him as he is quite volatile at times is not good for her.

[Larfu]

A successful relationship is based on honesty. if I were in his shoes, and had bipolar, I would've been real clear about that from the get-go. It's a huge part of who we are. It's also our responsibility to treat it appropriately. We have to be diligent about medications, we have to take care of ourselves. Sounds like none of that was happening. One thing I learned from my divorce, is that no one else can fix your disorder... they can just distract you from it.

If your partner cannot take care of himself, I doubt you will be much good at taking care of you. I hope you preserve yourself, and your loved ones. But don't become another casualty of bipolar, poorly managed.

[blueoctober]

Welcome bipolarpartner. I agree with Farmer that no one has the right to mistreat their partner. If you both truly want to make it work I would suggest not moving back in together and start going to couples therapy. I would suggest both individual counseling for you and him. This illness is manageable, but it takes effort on the person's part. If your boyfriend isn't willing to manage the illness I don't think it would be a healthy situation for you or your daughter.

The book in my signature is for significant others/family members and is excellent.

[Nightside of Eden]

What worries me the most is that your partner hid his bipolar disorder from you, instead of being upfront about it. In my case it's my best friend who's bipolar, not my husband, but even with it being a friendship rather than a relationship he was extremely upfront with us about his problem. He told us what to expect, and I think he also expected us to run for the hills when he told us, but of course we didn't, lol.

Sometimes my friend's behavior has been a little off the wall, aggressive and a little emotionally abusive when he's in mixed states. We get into some fine screaming matches when we're both having bad days. I've never felt particularly threatened, though, and the thing with my friend is that he's SO apologetic afterwords. 95% of the time he's wonderful, so I just put up with the other 5%.

But my friend is honest, and he wants our help and accepts our support. I don't see that in your partner, quite honestly, and I'm not sure I'd even be around my friend if there were children involved. It's hard enough to understand what's going on as an adult, the unpredictability would have to be terrifying for a child.

Which I guess is my long-winded way of saying I don't think it sounds like your relationship is going anywhere very good. Starting from a place of deception is just not the way good relationships are made.

[abience]

Bipolarpartner1,
I agree with a lot that's being said. You need to look out for yourself and your daughter. It sounds like he is using his Bipolar diagnosis as a reason to act out and not take full accountability for his actions. Many of us are serious about getting well and hold ourselves accountable and take steps to be better, meds, therapy, etc. Unfortunately there are times when we are not completely in control, but we take steps to try and limit the effects it has on others as best as we can. If something does happen, I know that I am the first to apologize. We're not all bad but he needs help and unless he wants it, there is nothing you can do to help him or change him.

Take care of yourself and your child.

Be well.

A

[Kymaro]

Welcome and hopefully you are able to find what your looking for here. I surely agree with a lot being said already. BP is NOT an excuse for bad behavior. We are each responsible for our actions, good or bad. It takes true comitment from BOTH parties to make a relationship work. Yes, there is a higher seperation rate when BP is involved but it doesnt mean it wont work out.

From my opinion of your writing sounds like you are right in the choices you are making. Yourself and your daughters safety and welbein has to come first. Sounds like he is not putting forth anything but empty promises.

Good luck and be safe. Love can't heal everything and some times it comes with a lot of pain.

[mgran]

It's really dishonest of him to have not told you his diagnoses, and then spring it on you. You were in no way prepared for this, and he was completely selfish in keeping it from you. I think there's a level of self deception going on... perhaps he thought you would never find out, that he'd never "come down." This self deception is very serious, he can't get well if he's lying to himself.

I have a diagnoses that I find embarassing as well, and don't tell everyone. But if I were to get serious about someone as a potential partner, I'd tell them.

If he's not prepared to seek professional help, to respect you and your daughter, to comply with his medical professionals advice, then I would concur that your best option is to leave him. If he's prepared to really truly work on it, there might be hope, but you'd have to take it slow, and very cautious, because his condition, unmanaged as it is, is distressing not only to you, but your daughter.

I get the feeling that he's too immature and escapist to take his recovery in hand... perhaps when he's older. But if in the mean time he is busy deflecting everything, making it your fault, then he's not healthy to be around. Look after yourself and your daughter.

Good luck... let us know what happens.