[Ryask]

So i'm sitting at my mothers visiting her when she feels the need to say "Have you been gaining weight". I say "does it look like i have gained weight?" and she makes a really disgusted face and says "yeah". Now ordinarily i would have had a breakdown, or thought there was something wrong with me, been really negative saying things like (your so fat your own mom can't even stand you), isolating myself back to my wonderful comfort zone of my bed, stopped answering my phone and started calling in sick daily for work so i wouldn't have to deal with anything by leaving my bedroom. But you know what i did instead.....i thought to myself...now why would anyone say that to anyone else....i mean how could you say things like that to people and not expect them to feel hurt? I came to the conclusion...that my mom is a witch with a capitol B. Instead of turning inwards and blaming myself...i really just thought there is something wrong with that woman. this is the FIRST time in my whole life that i have done this. I am so proud of myself

I told my sister later that evening what had happend, i told her about the revelation that it's actually not me..all these years i though everything was wrong with me...and now i realize that other people have some real issues and thier actions are totally on them.I was really thrilled.

Unbeknown to me she decides...to tell my mother....all she told her was that i was "hurt" by what she had said. So i get a call from my mother where she apologizes....but it's always in her "mother" way...so..it's an "I'm sorry BUT i didn't mean to hurt you". So i say.."what did you think asking me if i gained weight was going to accomplish"....and she says... "I just didn't know if you knew". So she says...."are you mad?" I say.."no...but please don't say things like that to me anymore because it really just makes me not want to have a relationship with you." And you know what my wonderful mother says? She says " you yell at people all the time and hurt their feelings and they don't threaten to not have a relationship with you.". I am fairly certain at this point that this woman does not understand the concept of an apology. So i hang up. I call my sister and ask her...why in the world she feels the need to tell my mother...i mean she knows our mother, she knows exactly whats going to come from telling my mother this....so anyways now for the whole point.

I got mad...and i am pretty sure i have every right to be mad....and if being angry stops me from beating myself up...i think this is really good step in the right direction. However i am willing to take some feedback here....is "not being hurt" worth essentially "losing a relationship with my mother the miserable harpy"? I certainly think it's worth it....

Originally Posted by Ryask

... But you know what i did instead.....i thought to myself...now why would anyone say that to anyone else....i mean how could you say things like that to people and not expect them to feel hurt? I came to the conclusion...that my mom is a witch with a capitol B. Instead of turning inwards and blaming myself...i really just thought there is something wrong with that woman. this is the FIRST time in my whole life that i have done this. I am so proud of myself
...I got mad...and i am pretty sure i have every right to be mad....and if being angry stops me from beating myself up...i think this is really good step in the right direction. However i am willing to take some feedback here....is "not being hurt" worth essentially "losing a relationship with my mother the miserable harpy"? I certainly think it's worth it....

Hehe, I'd think we had the same mother, if I didn't know my sister doesn't have BP! I don't know how old you are, but can tell you that it really took me quite awhile to really grasp the enlightment you have. I know others may feel differently, but.... to me, mother or no, if a relationship makes you feel crappy about yourself, what is the point?

Granted, nothing is perfect, but if there is a big negative pattern? Yeah.

(I am proud of you too, Ryask!!! I really struggle with not turning hurtful things inward and blaming myself, so know that your revelation is a very big deal! )

[Ryask]

Thank's i'm glad you understood what i meant.

[ladyjrnlist]

Good job on how you handled that and for not internalizing the comment. That's a huge step for all of us!

[Ryask]

Thanks so much for the encouragement. I wish i knew exactly what changed in my mind that lead me to do this...it seems like only just 3 months ago i had a situation where someone said something rude to me and i completely internalized it and had a break down. I dont know what changed between then and now..but..it sure feels good...really good....i have been struggling with this all my life..and i feel so free!

[Kymaro]

Originally Posted by Ryask

I wish i knew exactly what changed in my mind that lead me to do this...!

Growth and awareness! Good job!

[lynn P.]

((Ryask)) - I think you're absolutely right and you handled yourself very well. It's amazing how a supposed 'loved one' will ask such a question, BUT she wouldn't dare say this to a casual aquaintance.

and she says... "I just didn't know if you knew".

This statement above is down right funny. How could a person not recognize their own body lol. Good for you for standing up for yourself.

[billieJ]

Ryask - good job on turning your anger outward, where, at least in this case, and probably in most cases, it belongs! No one should comment on your weight except your MD, and then only if it is causing health problems. Your body is your business, and I doubt if you have gained wt. in any case. That comment sounds like your mom's problem. Be sure you tell your sister when you don't want things you tell her repeated.

[Ryask]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

It's amazing how a supposed 'loved one' will ask such a question, BUT she wouldn't dare say this to a casual aquaintance.

That is a really interesting observation, and you know your absolutely right, there is no way she would have said that to someone she barely knew. It kinda raises the question, why is it so much easier to be abusive to people who love us?

[Ryask]

Originally Posted by billieJ

Be sure you tell your sister when you don't want things you tell her repeated.

Yeah i can defineatly take partial blame for that one. My sister did it from a place of love i think. She told her because she wanted my mom to know that it's really inappropriate to say things like. My mother has a history of saying inapropriate things, she once made my 9 year old neice try on an outfit she had bought (it was too small) and she says to my other sister "wow j sure is getting chunky". Like who says something like that in front of a 9 year old girl. Girls have enough negativity about thier bodies, from t.v, magazines and other media even peers...i mean..your own home (family) is suppose to support you...not tear you down. My 9 year old niece thinks...that she is fat...she cry's....she wants to go on a diet....it breaks my heart. In truth...she is underweight and in my opinion being set for an eating disorder.

wow sorry kinda went off there lol..sorry anyways i forgive my sister, because i did not specifically tell her not to say anything, i assumed she wouldn't so i can't really fault her.

[kitty004567]

Congratulations to you for standing up to your mother and realizing her issues are her own and you don't have to take them upon yourself (liberating isn't it)

[lonegael]

Well Done,Ryask! Oh, well done!

[PT52]

Good job! The "why now?" question is kind of a mystery sometimes, but you should attribute it to your own personal growth over a long period of time. Being able to understand that whatever someone else says, it's about them and not you, is a real milestone and a tough one at that.

wow - it is an amazing thing when we realize our mother is the one at fault! My mom has and occasionally still will say similar obnoxious things to me - what you said to her was not easy - you should be very proud - I still can't always stand up to my mom the way I would like. And for some reasons Mothers + Weight = B*tc!

Now you've stood up to both of them. Amazing.