[Trippin2.0]

I am not deppro...but have come to the horrid realization that I don't feel worthy of love. Lotsa self-loathing there and I don't know where it comes from. I thought that being a stable bipolar meant I'm rid of these demons, BOY was I ever wrong!

I have a fwb whom I love dearly, we're quite close friends, but I have a problem accepting love from him... (side note, I forgot why we agreed to keep the arrangement casual)

Then there are 2 other guys who are, how shall I put it, chasing my scent and the minute either one of them talk about being interested in me, I shut down, I say off putting things, and my word, I like them BOTH.

But I can't bring myself to appear appealing to ANYONE!!!!

I love love, well I thought I did. Why am I sabotaging myself to end up old and lonely? WAIT! I know the answer to that 1, I DON'T DESERVE TO BE LOVED...Question is, why the hell not?

[Merlin]

You do not think you deserve to be loved. You do deserve to be loved though. I wish you luck in understanding the origin of your thoughts.

[sugahorse1]

I think there will be a lot of benefit in working through these feelings with a T.

Is it possible that having a fwb is messing up your whole perception of love/sex/relationships? Like it is one big muddle...?

I personally cannot do the fwb part, as I know it messes with me too much. If you are getting some of your needs met, you're happy to keep this kind of relationship going, but then miss the other aspects that you need fulfilled. Is it possible to let fwb become your partner? Accept his love?
Or is one of the others the right ONE...?
Of course you are worthy of being loved, and if you doubt it - you just need to look behind you to see that there are 3 guys hot on your heals (Yes, we need to question if their motive is love or sex, but that's another conversation altogether...)

Please don't beat yourself up - you are worthy of love; you are a uniquely created human who has a perfect match.
There's no-one on this planet that is not worthy of love, least of all you.

[Trippin2.0]

thanks suga, you nearly turned on the water works there

Thing is FWB and I love each other dearly, it's not jis physical, so the sex is anything but meaningless,we've loved each other WAY before anything developed between us (YEARS), but we agreed on the terms... (we both have relationship issues)

I had 1 actual bf, my daughters dad, that went horribly wrong, but I never thought of myself as unworthy...so this is really confusing me

but it's there, and right now it's my truth, and it's freaking me out...

[Moose72]

If he wants fwb, I would think it's for a reason and trying to force a relationship would be more grief in the long-run.

[Ryask]

could you review the terms? I mean...if terms were set..i would think..just like any other terms....you have an opportunity at a later date to review them to be sure they are still working for both of you. If he feels the same way...it could be really great...and if he doesn't..then at least you know for sure...and you make a choice as to wether you think continuing is in your best interest.

[sugahorse1]

Hi Trippin - how are you feeling about this topic? I know you are having a rough time, but i trust your friend is there for you..

[Trippin2.0]

Said friend is Taiwan ATM... Still battling with the realizati0n. I don't understand it! Logically, I know it's BS, but emotionally, I believe it to my very core...

[sugahorse1]

A typical BPD trait is that we let our emotions rule us. It's hard, but you need to focus on letting the rational and logical part of you also have a say.

I'm not sure if your dx includes BPD, but it may be worth looking in to

[Trippin2.0]

ATM my dx is strictly BPII but I must admit I have quite a few BPD traits...

I can't help listening to my emotions, they always fricken win, it's sO infuriating...

I'm making an appt with my pdoc, would like to know what he says about this crap!

Suga, thanks for always listening, it can't be easy...

[sugahorse1]

Great idea to go and see your pdoc (Espec as he also does therapy with you) and hopefully he can help you some more

[Trippin2.0]

set up an appt for next thursday, hope this leads to a lightbulb moment...

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

thanks suga, you nearly turned on the water works there

Thing is FWB and I love each other dearly, it's not jis physical, so the sex is anything but meaningless,we've loved each other WAY before anything developed between us (YEARS), but we agreed on the terms... (we both have relationship issues)

I had 1 actual bf, my daughters dad, that went horribly wrong, but I never thought of myself as unworthy...so this is really confusing me

but it's there, and right now it's my truth, and it's freaking me out...

Hi, Trippin - I hope you do have a lightbulb moment and remember why you are more than worthy The great thing about it being "your" truth is that you have the power to change your truth.

What is interesting is that you say there is no relationship with your FWB because you agreed on the terms. It seems to me you have a relationship whatever the original terms were. You love each other, the sex is good, you understand each other...in my opinion, really good, long-term relationships usually start as friends. Maybe you could just let it evolve naturally..it doesn't necessarily require a label anymore than it needs to conform to a certain logic. Hope that helps.