[Eloise42]

This is the worst I've been in I don't know how long and I don't even know if it's really anything that can be helped with therapy/pharmacology. Life just kinda sucks.

I'm barely employed. My parents have been paying my bills for two months now which is not really okay and I haven't made money in over a year so I just got used to having nothing.

Then almost a year ago the love of my life who I hadn't seen in over five years just appears and I'm in happily ever after land for a while. But now he lives with me and we share my car and I've been downgraded from "girlfriend" to "special friend" with NO benefits and he just basically makes me feel bad about myself and everything all the time but if he was totally gone I'm pretty sure I would have a complete nervous breakdown again because he caused the last two.

So I don't know what to do. I apply to jobs and don't get interviews and I literally cannot afford to see the doctor because my insurance is ridiculous and maybe I just needed to vent I don't know. I shouldn't whine there are so many people in way worse situations...

[sugahorse1]

(((Eloise))) I'm sorry things are so tough. Congratulations for trying to find a job. Is disability an option for you? The 'love of your life' sounds like he's really not pulling his weight here. Can you talk to him about your feelings and how he could help you feel better?

There's nothing wrong with venting - we all need it from time to time.

[ladyjrnlist]

The love of your life. Sounds like you are not the love of his life. Maybe you should ditch him before you get hurt more. Sorry you have to go through this.

[blueoctober]

Eloise42, From your post it sounds like you're in an abusive relationship and staying in the situation will do more harm than good. Seeing a Psychiatrist would be a good first step and I know you wrote you cannot afford it, but perhaps your parents would be able to help. Are you on any medication?

As far as the job front perhaps volunteering with a cause you believe in will increase your job skills and start to lift your spirits?

[wing]

I don't think the man in your life is a healthy influence, maybe if you ditch him first it won't have the terrible effect it did on you last two times. Anyone who sends you over the edge like that is a toxic person. Be strong!

[Amura]

You are not whining! It sounds like you truly are in pain and fear for your future.
I recently was barley employed and trying to navigate a serious low too.
I have also been where you are living with a man who brings me down, but the thought of being alone terrified me. As 'bad' as he was he also kept me going. Eventually I relented and moved back with my parents for a while.
You are not alone.
I am proud of you for reaching out. Keep talking, it will get better.

[sugahorse1]

How are things going? I hope you are able to find some relief from the darkness.
Please try and reach out in the medical field (I'm not sure how things work where you are) and see if you cannot get a GP or Pdoc to help you)

[Eloise42]

The thing is he has his own psych issues that suck and the one that affects me the most is he disassociates, and right now who could blame him?

I am on meds. I guess they could be better because I've been mildly depressed for a while but how much of that is circumstantial? I feel a little better I found reasons to get out of the house and even out of town so I actually have good distractions but it is just amazing how low my self-esteem is!

[sugahorse1]

Great that you managed to get out of the house and distract yourself!
Self-esteem comes over time, and it's very difficult to find that if you are feeling depressed.
Is your boyfriend seeking help for his psych issues? You are not in a position to be taking responsibility for his problems too right now. I know it sounds harsh - but until you make him look after himself, you can never focus on yourself as number 1