Starting a Meltdown

Oh, I haven't been here for ages! I've been too busy on Facebook instead.

But I just thought I'd start at thread to at least document how I am going this month as I am really concerned that I will totally lose it all again.

I graduated from uni last year and started my first full time job at the start of this year. Along with that, I've been working on two big projects on the side for free to gain some experience. Now those projects have deadlines at the end of this month and I'm running out of time! I can't get much sleep due to them and work and I'm already relying on energy/soft drinks too much and can feel my mood getting worse every day. I feel like self harming but so far the only harm I've done to myself is accidentally stab myself in the thumb with a knife. Problem is though, I was pissed off at the time and it reminded me how calming pain can be. Sigh.

I don't have an appointment with my pdoc till March so not sure what I should do if things get worse or when I should do something because at the moment it's crap but I think I can manage it. Suggestions?

Sleep is the wonder drug you want.

I know you have deadlines but if you don't sleep things will get a lot worse and no job is worth that

I know. I have a habit of throwing sleep out to make up for deadlines. I do have an assistant though, maybe I can get them to handle a bigger workload. :/

Congrats on Graduating!!!

Can you ask for an extension on the project? Is there someone that can help you with it? Perhaps you could ask to go on the waiting list for an emergency appointment with your pdoc and if you feel you need the appointment you can.

Thanks!

I think for at least one project, I will try and convince them I need more time to do a proper job. As far as I know, they don't reallly need it it right at the current deadline so hopefully it'll work out for me!

I'll see about the emergency appointment thing. If things become more crappy during next week I call up and see if I can sort one out.

I'm too much of a workaholic I think. I really shouldn't have got involved with so much stuff at one time. Clearly haven't learnt not to do this from uni. Sigh.

I struggled with this as well especially before being diagnosed. Prior to being diagnosed it was the hypomania that caused a lot of it. I would take on too much when I was high and if I crashed prior to getting it done it would be a nightmare.

Since being diagnosed in 2007 I was still having the same issue, but part of it was my way of "proving" I was okay. In the past year I have been more conscious of it and try to be realistic on what I can and can't do because I know it triggers my BP symptoms.

Well, my assistant came over last night to my place and the first thing she asked to do was for her to have a nap. I told her if she doesn't pull her weight and gives me a larger workload resulting in less sleep I may become psychotic again and really don't what that *****. That did freak her out but again, she's sleeping in today instead of being up early like the plan was to continue getting work done. GRRRRR. Maybe I need more assistants?

Oh FFS. Screw everything.

Having a bad day. Been crying, and having self harm thoughts. And now my stomach is hurting. Gah.

Fire_Star;I think it may be worth it to ask yo be on the waiting list for the pdoc. Is there any way that you can take a half day for yourself to do something fun go to a movie, go for coffee etc,?

If I want some me time I'm going to have to call in for a sickie at work and I rather not lose the pay! Argh! Though, last week there was a counselor in (my work involves helping people affected by natural disasters - can get tense) so maybe they'll be in this week too and I can see them. :/ Though, I really don't want to be at work. I don't know what to do now.

Are you working today? Perhaps this could be a day that you could take a half day and do whatever you want? Sounds like a great plan to speak to the counselor.

Hope toy get better

Counselor wasn't in today. I still did a full shift. Just had to take some extra breaks which I hope don't mess up my stats too much. Went for a long walk after work and it made me feel a bit better. Hurrah!

Hang in ther Fire Star. Blue has given you some great advice. I hope you continue to find ways to take care of yourself through this stressful time. More will be lost if you burn yourself out then if you put the breaks on now and find a way to lighten the load. Do it now or it will do it to you later.

Blue and I share much the same history in terms of work burnout and being forced to learn how to find the balance and stay away from the edge. I pray you don't neglect yourself and find yourself teetering any closer to that edge.

You can find the balance. Let your body be your guide. Wishing you only welness.... and some rest! Take good care of you. You do know that your productivity improves with proper rest right? So chasing deadlines sleep deprived really isn't the time saver you may think when you are feeling paniced for time. I know how hard it can be to slow down when you are in speedy work mode and how easily you can fall into going non stop. It sounds like it is catching up on you and your body is giving you lots of warnings to slow it down a notch or two. You need to listen and give it what it needs right now.

Sleep, indulge in a relaxing activity for a while.... take those walks more often...... and then go back at it with a fresh mind and rested body.

I spent the last few hours away from project work and instead hand washed some of my pretty clothes that make me happy and had a really nice dinner. Though in the process of all that I cut my hand so now it's stinging, lol! Feeling pretty calm right now if I hide from my To Do list...

Good to hear Fire Star. No doubt you will benefit from the break. Good on you for showing yourself some kindnesses. Sorry about your hand. I hope it stops stinging soon. And yea... keep that to do list put a way for a while longer and have a great day.

Okay, assistant is going to be over in a moment to assist with an issue I am having with a project. So back to work! Will try to get to bed in a couple of hours though.

Good plan. Hope things can find a healthy pace for you.

Already stressed and pissed off. That was quick!

Gahhhhh. I want to cut to relief stress but I've been good for so long. Bad idea. >>

VERRY bad idea...

Please do something distracting and constructive... trust me, it's not worth it!!!

Hope you feel better sOOn.

The girl assisting me with the projects is staying the night so I won't be able to do anything harmful tonight at least.

well that's a major relief.

Please stay safe.

Glad to hear you have some plans in place to be safe.
It really sounds like you have taken on too much at the moment. If you had the flu, you would not hesitate to call in sick to work. But we don't use the same approach when we are mentally sick - depressed, burnt out...

I'm glad you have an assistant to help. Just remember that assistants sometimes work a lot better if you give them a structured to-do list too. Maybe that'll help you get more out of your assistant.

I hope things look up for you soon. Please don't do anything to yourself

I hope you were able to get some quality sleep. Wishing you well Fire Star.