[SunReach]

Hello everyone...

I finally have a new pdoc! And she is brilliant. And everything in mylife is going well, in almost every respect.

In the meantime...I have stopped all medication and I was told to start keeping a mood diary until the beginning of March, when she will probably put me on sodium valproate...
My question is what do I do until then....A few weeks ago I was fine, if not a bit hyper, then I started getting pangs of emptiness - only way to describe it - which have been getting worse and worse. Like there is a massive vacuum in the beyond trying to suck me in and making everything I love in my life seem empty, and yet I haven't lost sight of their potential to make me feel better again...Does that make any sense?? It's like I'm just very very tired and as if I'm trying to function without fuel and I'm burning my circuits....And what is driving me mad is that when I think 'oh, it's a good idea to do this', eg painting, I can't actually do it, I feel like I'm stuck in a dream where nothing has substance and when I manage to distract myself, when the distraction is over, I find myself worse than before...And if I do sth the outcome is disappointing, I get no satisfaction from it, which I find bewildering, because I can't explain it! Like trying the best cheesecake and even though you can tell it's a cheesecake it tastes like ash.

Maybe I should just push myself, keep trying as best as I can doing things, even though they don't 'taste' the same....I refuse to sink deeper.

[krisakira]

thats what my depression feels like when it gets really bad. it feels like its in my gut, like my energy is all sucked out of my body and i cant do anything, like as if gravity just got stronger or something.

[SunReach]

I think I have issues with rating my mood...If I'm not jumping around like a maniac, or I'm at breaking-down point, I tell myself I'm fine and that I'm exaggerating, or not trying hard enough. Maybe though I am really not trying hard enough? I guess my overtly logical brain can't accept that even though theoretically I should be perfectly fine and enjoy everything I do, I actually can't, and the only thing left to do is at least try to go through the motions and wait for the tide.......And if it gets to the point I can't do that...Well, maybe I should see the pdoc earlier if it comes to that.

[ladyjrnlist]

It's so hard to fight the logic when the emotions are making no sense. To ride them out is so difficult. It's the best thing to do, but your brain fights it. Wants to have a reason for feeling so bad. Sometimes, there just isn't one.

Originally Posted by SadRobot

I think I have issues with rating my mood...If I'm not jumping around like a maniac, or I'm at breaking-down point, I tell myself I'm fine ..the only thing left to do is at least try to go through the motions and wait for the tide.......And if it gets to the point I can't do that...Well, maybe I should see the pdoc earlier if it comes to that.

If it's any consolation, SadRobot, I also have a very hard time rating my mood at many times (um, yes, currently for quite some time as it happens). All I can see is the very worst time and think... well, that's not quite it... or remember the bouncing off the walls... and that's not quite it either. Then... yup, you said it exactly. "Limbo". It doesn't feel "normal" so it's not that either. It's quite frustrating, but it's happened so much, that I've just let it ride and journaling as it feels right. You're totally right in saying that if you can't do that, definitely contact your Pdoc. Because then it's not limbo, even if there's not a name for it.