here we go again

So during my last hypo-mania..i again felt really good and was convinced i didn't need medications anymore...i was at work doing A GOOD JOB, AT SCHOOL I WAS HANDING IN ENTIRE 15 PAGE PAPERS 6 MONTHS EARLY BECAUSE I JUST DIDN'T SLEEP AND HAD NOTHING BETTER TO DO OTHER THEN I GUESS DO MY HOMEWORK. I was going out every night (sorry about the caps that was an accident i am too lazy to fix. Regardless....life was pretty good....and i was really sure...like on a scale of 1-10 i was 11 sure that i was really didn't need medication. It's the same lie every time..and i do this exact same thing every few months. I just quit.

Everyday since then has been getting worse and worse, i am now only wearing jogging pants...i dont brush my hair i'm so lazy....i sleep constantly and things are too exhausting. The other day i fell down the stairs...honestly..i feel like i was too lazy to walk down them and that's why i just collapsed down them. I dont want to leave my house and people are calling me and texting me asking if i need to talk..so i must be giving off some kinda vibe...or maybe they have eyes and can see that i stopped caring for myself. I also can't get any of my school work done now alt all. My house is a disaster..and i can't do it..i can't clean or get dressed or do school work i cant do anything....i can't even walk down the damn stairs.

So easy answer "go back on meds" but...something has to change..or in 3 months i will be right back here again...something has to change BEFORE i start them again and i have no idea what it is. I know i haven't really..been active on the forums either...i assure you..i have been reading ..but just only have the energy for a couple posts a day....and no reply's...i just i'm really just confused..I'm not stupid....and i know very well well whats gonna happen...i must want this deep down somewhere...i must love depression.

Do you think your meds send you into the hypomania? That could be something to look at. Maybe they need to be adjusted so they stabilize you but not get you to that giddy point of not wanting to take them.

But, you also need to be a little more realistic and think...every few months I stop taking my meds, and every few months I get depressed and feel awful...there is a cause and effect situation going on there. if you change the cause, you can change the effect. Can you talk to your Dpdoc or T and have it set up that when you are getting to that time when you start feeling like you might be ready to quit the meds to have an appointment and be honest to say 'yup, it's that time" and then they can make adjustments and talk you though it rather than you going through the whole cycle again.

I know the temptation to stop meds when I feel hypomanic is strong for me too. It's a battle to keep taking them. The illness tries to sabotage us. Definitely talk to your pdoc. It sounds like you aren't quite stable enough on meds yet, maybe. Hang in there.

The medication does indeed send me into hypo-mania, my pdoc knows this, i know this, she put me on a mood stabilizer....and I'll be honest..i don't take it...because i actually love hypo mania...and i don't want the hypo-mania to end. I quit therapy last...hypo-mania...since i was "magically all better"...so i suppose i'll have to get into it again.As for being realistic, my mind knows it...it really does...but when those good feelings are pumping....i am absolutly certain it will be different....like as sure as i know i am typing this that is how sure i am that while on medications i KNOW that everything will be different and i don't need them.I realize it sounds ridiculous....and in fact i know it is

Maybe you could start keeping a journal and journal about how depressed, lazy and horrible you are feeling off your meds. In the future, when you feel like you are cured, you will have something to reflect on how horrible you feel and that you really do need meds. Good luck!

As long as you love the hypomania more than you hate the depression and everything it does to you, your friendships, your schooling, your self-esteem, and your job then you finally learn to keep taking your meds and see your doctor when mania returns.