[Miss Laura]

Been "happy" all day... which is a first for a while I have been low and now I am "happy".

Came at a cost as I hurt myself a few nights ago and have hurt myself again. I am gonna have to tell my CPN today in 14 hours EVERYTHING that has went on since my emergency app with him on Thursday. Really not looking forward to that.

When I went on Thursday I took 2 anxiety attacks while there 1 of which he witnessed. Kinda embarrassed. He asked me questions and when I had to leave the room for the toilet he started reading my notes. He read out a passage from my Psych app a week before then. He also read my initial recommendation letter from GP stating I have been suicidal in the past, self harmed and what I did and how I did it. I am so surprised to the detail in the report/letter. Why would my GP write all of that. Is she mad at me? I have never thought of it like that.

He may suggest an anti-depressant to go along with the depression at the moment. Kinda unsure if I want it as I am already on Seroquel 50mg and Depakote 1200mg. I have been reading people talking about anti-depressants while on these and I have read it works well and it sometimes doesn't.

I guess I am really writing cause I am scared in a sense. I want to show them that I am better and that the thoughts and feelings of suicide and hurting myself are gone. But I don't think they will be convinced.

On Wednesday I have a meeting with my Area Manager as I have been off work for 2 months their choice not mines. This meeting is determining if I go back to work or if they dismiss me under the "unfit to work" law. If they do the latter I am screwed for employment. I have worked for the past 8 years non stop since becoming ill I have been off 211 days which is over 2 years. I am screwed anyway.... would you hire me. In my line of work(I work ironically in the mental health profession but more in the care/social side) I need to be well and I need to be 110% which at the moment I am not. My GP has recommended I stay off for a bit longer but says I can do my job no dooubt about it. Dreading this meeting!!!!

I am rambling and I know I am and I am sorry but I am buzzed and I am unsure who to talk to and what to think and all my thoughts are coming out as fast as I can tyoe if not more so. Its nearly 2am and I don't see myself sleeping anytime soon

[Mac Murphy]

Laura, I understand a lot of what you are saying. I wish I had some answers for you but all I can offer to you is encouragement to be open and honest with your pdoc in everything and work with him to find the right treatment for you. It may take some time but push through it and work hard. You can do it. Just believe in yourself and do all you can to regain control of your life. Easy to say, hard to do. I know. But it is worth the effort.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Kdd240z,

I went along and had to tell him everything. My CPN, was great about it all. He didn't make me feel like an idiot or anything.

I spoke about how I have been up and down since we last spoke and then I handed him my journal and he read it all. He was and is concerned that I have contemplated suicide before which he didn't know about and is wondering why I am thinking about it. He has said he is not concerned that I will actually attempt it.... he thinks I wont act on my impulses which I don't think so either.

He wonders about my self harming too and we spoke about it and why I do it etc. I just don't know!!

I am seeing him again in 2 weeks, I want him to see I am better though.

He thinks my Depakote and or Seroquel will be upped but he is gonna speak to my Psych and get back to me on that one.

He says I need to let people in the RW know about my self destructivness as I need them. He is the only one to know and he says I need support from people around me.

I hope I am gonna be ok, I am kinda unsure feeling now!!

[Mac Murphy]

Laura,
You took a very important step in letting your talk doc get an inside look at your world. You have to believe and trust that he is there to help you. It is very right of him to be worried about your self harming. Even if you don't know why you do it, it is important to keep being open with him and allowing both of you to explore it and get to the root cause. It can take some time to get there but the journey, even the painful parts are worth the end result if it helps you deal with your situation.
I agree that you need to let people in the RW in, but be careful about that. The reality is that most people don't understand what we with MI go through. They may care and truly love you but really don't know how to relate. Don't take their hesitancy as rejection, just realize that it may take time to find even one or two people you can relate to who will be there for you in the long term.
I am proud of you and happy for you that you are taking positive steps. Keep it up!
Mac

[Miss Laura]

Thank You Kdd240z,

I feel better for telling him... Its just hard to know that now someone who is in the world of professionals now knows. What if it gets out I am not as good as I think I am etc etc etc!! Too many what if's huh?!

I have just told my 2 friends through email. They have been talking to me tonight. They have been really good