[BNLsMOM]

I am in pain. Physical, mental, emotional. How much can a person take before it kills her. I feel dead.

My husband and I have been going through some stuff as some of my posts have been talking about.

I am a burden to him. He told me that he doesn't think I have made enough progress in the last couple of years as I should be making. He is sick of it and told me that it is time to sh** or get off the pot, although he couldn't say what that meant, exactly. I know it has been hard on him and he is hurting and I am trying to be compassionate. I feel like he is asking me to exert control over things I don't have control over. He says he feels like a single parent, and that he does everything. He feels like I am a bully and he has no faith in anything I say because I am inconsistent.

I feel like I have failed.

I would like to quietly leave in the middle of the night, never to be heard from again. Then no one would have to take care of me and I would no longer demand so much of people. Maybe all my blood will miraculously drain out and my soul will be released. (I know, dramatic.)

[Kymaro]

BnLsMOM - Im so sorry you are feeling this way and having to go through this.
(hugs)

We have to understand that sometimes its as difficult to be the "caregiver" as it is to be the "ill one". Maybe he will partisipate in therapy with you? Try special things every now and then. A love letter goes a long ways sometimes. Talk a bit about how BP is a balance of life not a progress.

Not that I want to "disregaurd" anything you say here, thou it sounds you are a bit down and not having much faith in yourself right now. I have felt that way many of times, I always thought someday I would leave for work only to never return. Give your hubby a hug and hold on tight. Encourage his partisipation in your treatment plan. Don't forget to involve your children too. More involved in your treatment plan the better chance of balance you have.

(((lots of hugs))))

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by Kymaro

BnLsMOM - Im so sorry you are feeling this way and having to go through this.
(hugs)

We have to understand that sometimes its as difficult to be the "caregiver" as it is to be the "ill one". Maybe he will partisipate in therapy with you? Try special things every now and then. A love letter goes a long ways sometimes. Talk a bit about how BP is a balance of life not a progress.

Not that I want to "disregaurd" anything you say here, thou it sounds you are a bit down and not having much faith in yourself right now. I have felt that way many of times, I always thought someday I would leave for work only to never return. Give your hubby a hug and hold on tight. Encourage his partisipation in your treatment plan. Don't forget to involve your children too. More involved in your treatment plan the better chance of balance you have.

(((lots of hugs))))

Thank you. It isn't going to work that way because of the nature of our relationship and what we are going through. I appreciate your comments, though.

[oof987654321]

My last serious relationship ended because I was bipolar. And after that I learned to stop being honest. You can't put so much pressure on your partner. In my case, I was very needy and my boyfriend was not. I should have helped him understand me more. Or maybe I'm not even ready for a relationship. :/
But don't throw unexpected tasks onto your partner. It became all about me, so much I forgot there needs to be an even balance.
Oof.

[sugahorse1]

((BNL)) I'm so sorry. We're here for you. Have faith that you know you are doing what you are able to do, and that finding happiness, stability and love really are the priorities in your life. And you have been doing your utmost. Is it possible to stay with a friend or family member for a month or so just to regroup and recharge?

[Yoda]

[venusss]

From what I read from your posts in the past... you are not the only one at fault here.

[Tsunamisurfer]

(((((BNLsMOM)))))

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

((BNL)) I'm so sorry. We're here for you. Have faith that you know you are doing what you are able to do, and that finding happiness, stability and love really are the priorities in your life. And you have been doing your utmost. Is it possible to stay with a friend or family member for a month or so just to regroup and recharge?

I am thinking about a long term treatment. I just don't know if I can afford it. The only family I would be able to stay with would be my parents and they are in Florida until late April. I don't want to stay down there with them although it would be nice and warm. I would miss the kidlets way too much. If I go to a residential hospital, I would probably get to see my kids at least on weekends, and it would show my husband that I am doing everything I can to get better. He thinks I am not working hard enough.

Hey BNLsMOM - I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It sounds like your husband doesn't understand your illness or is choosing to not care. He is being a terrible person to you.
you are trying and you are doing your best. If he's not in it for the long haul then he's not a good man.
What about an outpatient program? i've done that a few times and they've been very helpful - it's a full day - like going to school, but you can go home at the end of the day so you wouldn't be away from your kids for so long.

[Anomaly]

Sorry, I'm new here so...I don't really know anybody, but one thing that struck me about your post is that you said he doesn't think you've "made enough progress". Well, how do you feel about your progress? Do you think you're doing better?

Because you are right; he is asking you to exert control over things that you don't have control over. That's just a fact. But one thing I've learned over the years of dealing with my own disorder is that our loved ones usually have no clue how powerful an effect their words/actions can have on us when we are in certain states of mind.

So although it may be hard, evaluate yourself in light of your own opinions and not his. Is there something more you could be doing? Then work on it. Are you doing the best you can? Then know that's all he can ask of you, and if you are unable to meet the expectation he sets, then there's something wrong with the expectations and NOT with you.

Like I said, I'm a new kid on the block....but, I hope you find some comfort in my words. Please be safe, take care of yourself, and good luck. You are worth more than your sadness makes you think.