[blackdragon]

wednsday (how ever ya spell it) i woke up feeling a little down. Went to work feeling good about going in on a school day and helping out. Got to work with my fav coworker Kate. But as the day went on the day got blacker.

Thursday: woke up feeling sad. about what? i dont know. Went to work. This little voice in my head ur too slow ur too slow. GO FASTER. ur not doing it right, ur no good. ur a slow worker. u should be fired. My boss tried to tell me i wasnt slow . I just had alot of rooms. I went home feeling not too good. that stupid voice.

Friday: went to work i felt terrible. First thing we got, a written up paper and my boss tired of the crap work we were doing.. she gave a compliment to me saying that i worked her less and was doing better than the ones who worked here longer. so in return i worked slower cause i dont want to be written up and forget anything. which i did a laundry bag. my boss joked sayin she is but it just freaked me out more. at the end of the day she came up to me and tried to joke about the written up part again and i shrugged from her. She asked if something was wrong. I said that i feel like there is a black cloud following me. my boss said are u sick. I said i feel like the world is comming to an end. And that i wanted to die. She then tried to comfort me. Not every day ur boss hugs ya and tries to cheer u up. she did not want me to drive home. I actually planed to drive my car off the bridge. instead i drove home and slept.

today saturday: i went to work with cuts on my arms and when i got there i took a pin and without them knowing i jabbed it into my vein.. no one knoticed. good thing.. my boss asked me how i was today. i told her i feel like crap but better than yesterday. She asked me if i wanted to go home. i said no i rather work. So i worked. She kept a eye on me the whole day.. Anything sharp in my possession she kept away from me. So i take it she saw my cuts.

I felt at ease that she actually cared. Not every boss is like her.. Most say if ur mentally ill ur fired. I feel lucky to work for her.. I feel alot better.. My mood is going up... Now i want to keep it up... Hope i can..

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. Maybe you could call your t or pdoc and have your meds adjusted or just get a little more support? I hope you find yourself coming out ot the hole you are in right now. Take care of yourself.

[dexter]

I agree if you can call your pdoc and/or T to try to get some relief before it gets worse.

I am glad to know you have a boss who is aware, understands, and does her best to support you rather than shy away from things.

I know she has given you compliments on your work but another thing to also consider is that she is being so supportive, she must be doing that in large part because she considers you a valuable employee and wants to keep you happy and healthy so you can continue working for her. She may be a nice person but she is still a boss, she wouldn't put so much effort into helping you there if she didn't value the work you are doing.

So consider her actions as well as her words when evaluating your value there. And do everything you can to take care of yourself and help yourself through this.

[blackdragon]

thanks dexter and bipolar bear for ur input. I did talk to my boss about what happened. We both think that i mentally exhausted myself with all the negative thoughts going through my head. I did tell my boss about how i just kept on saying these negative things in my head over and over. I also told her that it might help to educate all my coworkers and staff about bipolar. She thought that is a good idea. She said that some of the girls as she calls us are worried about me. I told her that i havent come out of the closet with my diagnosis cause i thought it wouldnt get worse due to my meds and all. Sadly i was wrong i admit. So we talked alot about how if i start to get mentally stressed out or if i go into another depression spell that i can call her and take time off from work. Well thats good but i know i will never take that offer. I am to much like a donkey iwill keep working. As long as my work is not effected i will keep on working. I just know i need two days off a week i cant pull a 7 dayier.

[DisruptedLives]

Hey blackdragon I really hope you get to feeling well soon.. It really sucks to have emotional roller coaster days or deep depression. Are you on any Meds at the moment ?
Just be careful how much info about your bi polar you give your Boss a good friend of mine told her Boss about her Bipolar symptoms believing she did the right thing then two weeks later she was let go her Boss told her that they were "Having to cut back expenses." end of story she was out of a job.