I am about to fall apart

Hey. Well that thing I had planned to do, I was rejected which is probably for the best anyway. i have no idea what I am doing.

I wonder if this is the right time for you to be making that decision allme. Manic or not when you took the step towards a dream it was your way of getting back into the game of life free of the entanglements of illness. I sometimes think our manic episodes are a way for us to honour our best selves. It is when we are fearless and our belief in our selves it at its highest. It is when we are freed from the chains of hopelessness and dispair. It is the gift that takes away our self doubts and self deprecation.

It was not an idiotic decision in my view. I was impressed by the personal power you expressed by knowing the direction you wanted to go believing you will get stronger and healthier in the days ahead.

You are experiencing a most difficult time with all the chaos and discord around you. Even a well person would crumble under that kind of pressure. I know you must feel as though this slide is all about you not being able now or in the future. Even if your life is in turned upside down today it will get rightside up again.

You are stronger then you think and more able then you believe. When we get hit hard it is very difficult for us to believe that about ourselves. You have overcome when the odds were against you before. You will do it again.

I know about self harming. It isn't always physical. It is just as harming to take away those things that mean the most to us. I know for me when I have been hit hard by things I can't control I will deny myself access to the things that mean the most to me. I get into the mindset that I don't deserve to have anything I want from life. That I need to punish myself and if I can't do it physically I will do it emotionally. I will act in accordance with my defeats and not my victories.

You have many victories behind you that you likely can't even see right now let alone acknowledge. I so hope you don't make a decision that will effect your tomorrows. Even if you think you know what the future holds none of us do. The light will shine for you again my friend. It really will. The clouds will part and you will feel the warmth and peace again. You have before.

You are loved allme. You are not alone and many believe in you no matter what the illness says or does to bring you down. You will rise again. We are here to help hold you up until this most difficult time when way too much is outside of your control passes into history. Give no one but your best self be victorious.

I hope today is lighter and brighter but even if it isn't hold on to the thread of faith that it will in time to bring you back up.

sanityseeker left nothing more to be said. Keep us updated allme.