I am about to fall apart

Thanks all

I spoke to my dad and told him that sometimes, I just don't want to talk to anyone. It was easier saying that to him then telling him it was him I didnt wasnt to speak to. My husband is now dealing with my brother and told him he has 2 months to sort it out. Had a big chat with him about me too. Anyway, now my husband is flipping at everything and its driving me crazy. I dont like to be around him at the moment, he is nagging me and shouting at me for the most stupid of reasons. Had a huge arguement and he has stormed out :'( I really feel like I can't take anymore, I am really really feeling like crap and want to be on my own. People just make things harder for me and I am better off on my own.

I really hate myself at the moment, I am not a good person, and my husband should leave me, actually everyone should leave me. I am better off alone. I always thought I was a good person deep down but it seems everywhere I go and no matter what I do, ppl end up hating me or getting fed up with me, which inturn makes me hate myself even more. I feel like such a failure and I had all these good things planned, like an OU course which I now have all the material for. I am not even going to say what its doing as I will feel stupid, even more than what i do now as its a joke. I am a joke. Ppl who get to know me eventually find out I am a joke. My life is one big joke. I want my husband to leave me, he isnt doing my sanity any good with his constant nagging and hot headediness. I cant stand to be around him for too long......actually, I cant stand to be around anyone to long. Eventually you see the lies. :'(

I am a bad person

Ack, allme!!! You are not a bad person!

You know... I was thinking the same thing about myself this morning, and am trying to keep it in perspective by remembering how much stress I've been experiencing for such a time now. YOU are experiencing far more!!! It's like a pressure cooker. Stress can really mess with our heads. If we're prone to self-blame, it sure can flare up at such times. Please don't take it all on your back.

(p.s. Great strategy for your Dad!)

But I really do feel like a bad person. I am doing bad things, bipolar or not, medication or none, I am still doing these bad things. I am in a bit of a frenzy at the moment so might start posting loads of crap when it starts to peak. Its that or shout at my husband for being an inconsiderate twat. Its gone 5pm and I just want the day to go away now. No doubt I will be up until 4-5am like the last coupld of nights. Ok, so I also havent had any medication since thursday night.... pharmacy was closed and I live in this tiny village and couldnt get anywhere else to pick up my prescription.

misty eyed. Does anyone understand that?

hmmm so, I have decided, I am no longer going to the a door mat for everyone to dump on. My family, my husband....can all go to hell. NO more crap. I have to protect myself and if that means leaving then so bit it. Bunch of leeches all around me sucking the life out of me. Makes me sick.

allme. Post away! Sometimes it helps to be able to vent through writing, and when a frenzy pulls everything in every direction... yeah.
(I just did a bunch of stream of consciousness journaling... it was all just spinning, and I needed to get it out, you know?)

You may not want to be asked this in this moment, but do you have some grounding or calming techniques you can try? (I approach this question with trepidation, because, as much as it is the time I need them most, it's the last thing I want suggested when I'm in a frenzy! So... if that's the case for you too, sorry!)

Hugs on the med situation -- that surely can't be helping. Please try to cut yourself some slack, ok? (Easier said than done, I know...)

(((((allme)))) I am so sorry things seem to have gone from bad to worse. I hope somehow you can find some calm in the storm. I know how upsetting it must be for you while your emotions are all over the map. Please be careful not to do anything too rash in the midst of all the emotional chaos. Maybe there is somewhere you can go just to get a break for a while without making any major decisions right now. My thoughts are with you hun. Be well.

Hi.. what is consciousness journaling? I am too far gone for any kind of calming techniques. I am just sick sick sick of it all and feel intensely irate. I just sent my dad this long mail about how I need him to back off and I will be intouch when ready. Thank you for your support, it means alot to read these replies...

Hey SS, I am in such a bad place right now....hating on everyone and everything. I plan on staying at a hotel for a couple of nights. I live in a village and town is 10 miles away so I will have to ask my hot headed, pain in the butt husband to take me tomorrow. If he doesnt, I will just call a cab. I need to get away SS. I am so sick of it all. I can't deal with ppl in R/L at the moment. I keep swaying between very angry and vengeful to terribly upset. I dont know where I am right now.

On a personal note SS, thank you for being such a great friend. Through all my time here, you have given me your support...even during that time when others turned their back on me.... (on "feelings towards my therapist" forum.) Thank you my friend I just wish I had friends like you guys in R/L. They pretend they will be there for you, but it's all just words.

I am always with you allme. I need to take a break from PC right now but I will keep in touch by email. I love you and want only the very best for you. I believe a time of peace will come. I just hope it will be soon. Very very soon. Please email me anytime. I am going to go out for a walk in the rain to wash away some of the ill feelings I am having right now. I will offer up request the the universe will shine some calm upon you today. I will check in with you later via email. Would a walk of mindlessness be something you could benefit from yourself today? It is often my only place of calm when my emotions are orbiting me out of my mind. You are not alone so long and many people are here for you through the thick and thin of it. You are loved and cared for no matter the troubles you face. (((((allme)))))

Peace be with you SS. Sorry to hear you are having ill feelings. If you need to vent, pls do, you can email me too. Much love and hugs

((Allme!))

I actually encourage you leaving for a couple days. That can do so much for you and give you the time to clear your mind. Remember that although it seems bad, usually it is situational and will generally pass. It sounds like your husband needs some alone time too. This may help defuse the situation a little so when you come back, it will be easier to communicate without getting angry. SupportSupportSupportSupportSupportSupportSupport....:'D

Thank you! Oh jeez this is crazy, I am within minutes, swaying between all these different emotions....at the moment I am feeling a bit more at ease. I think thanks to being here today. I have been reading posts (unable to really help much and posting alot. Yes I am definately, going to go away for a couple of days. Maybe stay at a hotel in town and go for some retail therapy

Oh, you know, just "stream of consciouness", where everything just flows out, no editing, writing things down just as they come out of one's head. Guess they came up with the name because it's like a free-flowing stream (or torrentl!) of one's thoughts, just letting it out. I do it sometimes because there is such a jumble of thoughts, someone would think they were on a loopedy-loop roller coaster heading in every direction at once if they tried to follow it(!) Because it doesn't go anywhere but on the paper it can also help keep me out of trouble(!)

On the subject of support? You're most welcome! That's what we're here for!

And I'm so glad to hear you are going to stay at a hotel for a bit... space is good! So is time. Sanityseeker makes an excellent point about trying to not make rash decisions, especially major ones, when in the midst of such a chaotic time. Rash decisions tend to be the ones the most regretted, and we want nothing less for you than for you to be able to come through this very trying time minimizing that!

Do you want to hear a big fat joke? I have entered myself into an OU course: Introductory to counselling. What a huge joke I am. When I entered, I think I may have been in a state of hypomania. Now, I feel so stupid and pathetic to think I could ever do something like that. :/

argh everyones annoying me :/ Feel so bloody anxious and my stomache is in bits ((((

I have just planned to do something that I will live to regret. Although I know there's a huge chance it's going to cause me pain, I am in self destruct mode :'(

allme. Just got back on the computer. Planning is not doing, and I hope you can prevent doing what you know you already know you will regret. Self-destruct mode sucks.
Hoping.....

Please don't do it! Don't even give yourself time to think about it! Busy yourself somehow.

Allme; just checking in on you. Hope you got some sleep or kept yourself busy.

The counselling course you registered for could possibly really benefit you, and it would keep you busy.
I hope this difficult period passes quickly for you. We are all here for you when you need some support

Hi, thank you for your support. I am feeling somewhat more stable to day...on the edge..but stable. I really need a stress free day and my husband has gone to pick up my medication. I woke up this morning (after 3hr broken sleep) shaking and my stomache was in bits. Day 4 without medication. I will never let this happen again and make sure I have my meds 1 week b4 I am due to run out.

This thing I have planned to do.....I am having second thoughts but arranged it all last night. I don't want to say what it was as I know it wont go down well. And, its a whole other issue I have anyway.

I am taking it easy today, I'm going to immerse myself in an online game I play. Should take up my afternoon nicely.

Thanks all again, here's hoping for a stable day x

Oh I am such an idiot!

What's up?
Hope you get to play your online game. Good to keep distracted