[LivingMiracle]

**TRIGGER**

For months, since late Feb, I have been battling against myself on the life and death issue. It wasn't as bad in Feb as it is now though, just seems to keep escalating.

In March, I acted on the urge but my guy found me in time. I was telling him I was down and just was tired of even breathing. He began getting upset at what I was saying so I just stopped telling how I feel.

I go to class 4 days a week for 8-9 hours those days. I find myself isolating and spending much of my lunch in a bathroom just crying cause the urge is so strong.

So I started telling my T and psych doc and they put me on Lithium. They just raised it Friday again but they couldn't guarantee it was going to help. They just said maybe it wasn't bipolar, but a mood dis-regulation and medications can't help that. That's not what I want to hear. I don't want to be on meds but I CAN'T keep going feeling like this, I won't make it.

It's like even though I am making strides on the outside, the inside is literally falling apart. Some how I have been able to still excel in class but the last week and this weekend I haven't be able to work more than a few minutes without busting into tears. They say look at the positives. I'm almost done with school, soon I will have a decent job that I can handle, I will be able to afford a car after a few paychecks...etc. I can see them but when I'm in this state, they have no value.

Then of course everyone seems to have this one person they have to deal with who just is...grr... blind/ ignorant. They tell you to get over it or pull yourself up or handle your emotions better. Well, guess what? That doesn't help me at all.

I honestly don't know what to do. I'm trying to get through this hour and then move on to the next. I honestly wish I could do something but I can't. Inpatient is not an option because with less than 45 days of class left, I can't miss one, let alone a couple. If I do miss a couple I will have to wait till the next year to get back in. I don't want to do that but I can't go on feeling like this.

[BNLsMOM]

One thing you have going for you is your strong sense of the future. In other words, I read your post and especially your last line abou not wanting to have to wait till next year to finish class means that you are thinking of the future. Alos you can recognize the positives in your life. You feel they have no value and maybe they don't right now, but if you keep then in sight even when it feels hollow and fake, you can at least tell yourself you have something to live for.

As for inpatient, it is your decision at this moment, and you sound conflicted. I have found my inpatient stays to be beneficial. There is never a good time to go inpatient, but if you truly feel you won't make it, maybe you should sacrifice a few days, get an extension on the work for school and make yourself safe for the long run. You are thinking in the long term anyway, graduating, getting a car, etc. I have learned that to plan for the long term I have to secure my short term, down to the smallest things like what time to wake up and get out of the house and the daily things I have to do. At times that has meant inpatient for me.

I am not trying to push it, I just want you to be safe.

[rainingstarfire]

Hey there.... I don't really have solutions, but I can certainly empathize. I've been there- very recently, and just starting to wade out of that dark place. All I can offer is hugs and prayers as you make your way to the "other side" of the crappy stuff. But I can testify that the "other side" does indeed exist, and you're on your way to better things- even if that's hard to see from there. <3