[hubby_1016]

Hi,

I think my wife may have some sort of BP. I have considered this before but believed that I didn't see the cycling symptoms. Now I am not sure. Several friends and family have voiced v.arious concerns over the years. Not just judgments but real concerns.

- Married for 11 years.
- She has had numerous affairs. Both physical and emotional. Online and real. Six that I know of.
- First affairs I found out about and could confirm were six years ago and involved physical affairs with four guys.
- Recently confirmed at least one emotional affair and suspect other promiscuity but cannot confirm.
- Have identified severe and uncontrollable drinking binges. These have been an issue since her college years for sure (she is now in early 40's). They are however inconsistent, fairly irregular, and spread out.
- several of the binges have turned physically violent on her part over the years.
- Hoards stacks of paper, and other stuff... our house is stacked high with these things.
- For the 11 years we have been together she has "lost" every job she had and been unemployed almost half the time. Laid off, someone was after her or didn't like her... there is always a "good" reason.
- Seems like she often has "co-worker issues" at work.
- When she does work, she is well paid (100k range).
- complains of isolation often.
- takes antidepressants for depression and generalized anxiety.
- arguments and discussions "always" turn into a circular maze. Of course not "always" but with consistency.
- Money issues are rampant but to be honest that is me too.
- We've had extensive joint therapy which has not been too helpful. it appears to me that every time we discuss anything about her it is always turned around into how i have contributed to her actions.
- She will not lead nor will she follow. seems like she always takes the path "down" instead of up. If you know what I mean.
- I have currently proposed divorce. don't really want to divorce but can't live like this.
- We have a 7-Year-Old. He is extremely distraught at the current situation.
- He picks up on her emotional insecurities very well and is careful to try to not "upset" her. He loves her so much of course.
- Seems like there has always been excessive drama one way or another. Always some "emergency-situation" to attend to.

I would like to get her to properly diagnosed but am pretty sure that any suggestion i make with cause a blow-up.

Advise much appreciated!

[Fresia]

Welcome to PC Hubby_1016!

First off, I admire your concern, patience, and dedication.

Unfortunately for me it took a long time before I was diagnosed because the whole picture of my life was not taken into account, only the moods at the moment, not the in between times and not a full history. It took going to a different provider(s) before someone considered BP and the appropriate treatment options. Not to be discourage but it can be difficult to diagnose, and takes the right provider to help. No one but a professional can diagnose but I can understand your concerns that the treatment receiving is not working.

I can't speak for the spousal relationship but have seen it with other family relationships, trying to encourage someone to go for themselves, to find what will help them, and to find what works for them, even if they blame everyone around them. I had to point out that the help is there, I was concerned for their happiness, but finding the help that they really can use to get them to place that is there for their benefit. If something is not working, it's time to try something else and it may mean with another provider. Scary as it may be, the gain can be invaluable and want them not to feel so miserable anymore. In my case, I did not let it seem one-sided, knowing I was supposedly the route of it all, and made sure they knew I would be going to indiv therapy as well. I don't know if this is an option but something to consider, and joint therapy at the same time or later. It brought them around in my case finally.

We can encourage and emphasize it's for them, to get them/us individually to someone who can help and get treatment that's needed, knowing deep down you are really considering everyone's well being in the process. Self care and preservation and for the children is in order so be sure to take good care of you in the meantime. Hoping for the best for y'all!!!! Hang in there.

[blueoctober]

Welcome Hubby_1016. I'm not a Psychiatrist, but it sounds more like Borderline Personality Disorder than Bipolar. Either way she would need to be diagnosed by a Psychiatrist. Perhaps you could suggest a full medical exam by her GP including blood work. There are other medical concerns that can cause mental illness symptoms.

It may help if you put a time frame on wanting to see some changes. The first step would be outlining what your concerns are and explaining that you are willing to work on it with her, but if you don't see any changes within X amount of time you won't be able to stay with her. Your son needs to be your first priority, so if you aren't willing to do this for yourself do it for your son.

[wing]

Hey Hubby,

You are a saint for dealing with this. She definitely needs to see a psychiatrist for an accurate diagnosis. Making this part of an ultimatum regarding staying in the marriage is not unfair, in my opinion. If she won't go, you could look in to having her hospitalized without her consent. In the state where I live, the family member can have the person admitted "ex-parte" against their will if there is a compelling reason.

It is in everyone's, including her, best interests to get a handle on the situation, even if you have to do something drastic.

[hubby_1016]

Thanks so much for your replies. I'll read up on BPD too.
She does go to a psych but that is pretty much just for the anti-D meds. She has mentioned MC and therapy but I doubt that she will go on her own without my insistence. When it is something I insist on it becomes a point of control and resentment. I'm really tired of this and my heart is broken. Don't want to go through all the "affair-issues" again. Sure I am depressed about it all at the moment too.
I will also look into individual therapy for myself in the meantime.

Any thoughts or advice is much appreciated.
Thanks!