[Fresia]

This may need to be moved to 'Relationships' but I think it is more to do specifically with those with 'BP' and their relationships.

I miss companionship and have tried to start dating again. I have purposely not been dating because of, well, my BP and lack of understanding on others' parts about it (which hurts). Perhaps this thinking is skewed, but I have a constant debate over whether it is fair to bring someone into my life and into the roller coaster. I know everyone in life has their ups and downs, BP or not, mine are quite frequent being a rapid cycler, and even with meds, it takes a lot to manage it. I know it should be their choice and mine whether to get involved, and that I need to give them a chance to decide for themselves. However, the debate continues and yet selfishly, I'd like to be able to share my life with someone again. (Then again, I might change my mind again as I get back out there, so in the meantime.....)

Like with anyone, I don't want to hide who I am but I know full disclosure at the wrong moment scares people away without having a chance to know me, even with *big sigh* my 'issues'. I just don't want any misrepresentations.

For those who are dating, those who married, those with a significant other, how have / did you managed this? Would you do anything differently?

Thanks in advance for your feedback!

[wing]

The first few years after I was diagnosed I avoided relationships (of all kinds) due to the reasons you mentioned above, all of which added up to low self-esteem and self-worth.
Loneliness and isolation took their toll and it became a vicious cycle. Gradually I realized that BP is a condition, not who I am. I decided I had a right to companionship and happiness.

I have poor social skills, but I carefully began to make friends and accepted the few dates that came my way. I did not disclose to anybody, male or female. My feeling was that the stigma of mental illness is so pervasive that I would be ostracized and scrutinized. I became (and still am to some extent) a "closet bipolar".

I developed a relationship slowly with a man who later became my husband. I did not disclose my illness to him until we began discussing marriage, fully expecting the relationship to end. We have now been married 24 years. In retrospect, I would have not had children, since now 2 of my 3 kids are showing symptoms. The prospect of them suffering the way I do is too much to bear. but that is another discussion...

I am not an advocate of blanket disclosure. It's only fair to myself to allow relationships to grow slowly, so that people can get to know me with all my faults without viewing me through the lens of MI.

I wouldn't tell anyone unless you feel super comfortable with them and feel like they already like and care about you. When you first start dating, you'll only spend a few hours with someone at first, so hopefully you won't cycle too much in that time...and they can get to know you. Take things slow with people and see how they develop.

I dated a lot before I met my husband - I didn't tell people right away....I did it on a "need to know" basis. So if the relationship started getting serious....if sleepovers were becoming involved and they were going to see me taking medications or if they started hearing me having a lot of "dr appointments" which is my euphemism for therapy/pdoc.
I wanted to make sure people really knew me and liked me before i told them anything that would potentially scare them off.
Of the more serious relationships I had, nobody seemed to have an issue with it. Luckily everyone seemed to know someone or have a family member with some kind of mental illness so it made it a little easier.

My husband was probably the toughest one of everyone - I think it kind of went in one ear and out the other at first....when he had to deal with one of my episodes I think he may have wished he'd paid more attention when he realized it but he's very supportive now.

Dating is hard enough as it is...start with just getting into it before you get all caught up in full disclosure.

[jack123]

I do not think it is a good idea to let people know everything about you too soon. It is hard enough to deal with being BP without the additional distress telling people that are not going to be around long enough to matter. If the relationship develops there is always time to let the person know.

[mgran]

Heh... I wish it was just bipolar I was closeted about. It's unlikely I'll date again, since I'm widowed, and still in love with my husband. But if at some future stage I wanted to date again, I'd be too embarassed about my diagnoses to even try. I would wait till my son was an adult at least before I considered dating again, since he's had so much crap to deal with, I want to just be there for him until he's old enough to fly on his own. So, maybe five years from now I'll fall for someone... and I'll feel too fat, too old, and too mad to really consider the relationship. Very few people would want to be in a relationship with someone who's mental health description commences with the beautiful adjectival prefice "schizo"...

Originally Posted by Fresia

...Perhaps this thinking is skewed, but I have a constant debate over whether it is fair to bring someone into my life and into the roller coaster. I know everyone in life has their ups and downs, BP or not...<but w/ BP> and even with meds, it takes a lot to manage it. I know it should be their choice and mine whether to get involved, and that I need to give them a chance to decide for themselves. . I just don't want any misrepresentations...

I can so relate to this, Fresia. I've so very much debated the fairness of it to the other person. Even now. Strike that. Especially now. I disclosed quite early on. Reasons: The relationship was progressing very quickly. At a point where I had to make admit a very big thing, I figured I'd just "confess" the BP as well to get the big things right out on the table. (I accepted his "stuff" reciprocally, so it did help the balance.) It was a very unusual situation we were in, and was going to take a giant leap of faith (especially on my part). It was only fair to tell him this and that I can be a very difficult person to live with (I can be very charming and quick witted person, so had to be clear that any idealization would be VERY unwise). Because the other side of that coin is very very very different.

Originally Posted by jadedmoonbeam

.. So if the relationship started getting serious...Of the more serious relationships I had, nobody seemed to have an issue with it...when he had to deal with one of my episodes I think he may have wished he'd paid more attention when he realized it but he's very supportive now...

Yup. When I did disclose, he was very accepting of it... knew people with (though living day in and day out is another matter entirely...), had problems himself with depression etc. Thing is, there is depression and there is depression. When someone has only had mild to moderate depression, seeing someone in severe depression can be very scary and confusing. Guess that's to say that he thought he knew what he was getting into, but really didn't. And I have been MUCH worse (severely and massively long lasting)... he hasn't even seen that. He's supportive, but I do feel guilty.

Long and short, level of seriousness of the relationship is key. It can be a tricky point to discern. Fresia, it is good that you don't want any "misrepresentations". Think about it though. There is a certain level of "misrepresentation" in the beginning of any relationship. Everyone makes the effort to put their best foot forward, you know? But as things move forward, people start to see more and more of the "whole" person, BP or no(!) So revelations come along on their own time schedule. Same with BP. Too early and you're right, it might scare someone off (as does an avalanche of TMI right off the bat - so it's sure not just BP that has the potential to do that! ) Anyone who knows you for awhile is likely to pick up on a least a bit of it. This may well spark a conversation. It may not surprise them as much as you might imagine. Meanwhile, they've come to know you as a person, not just a label, and would probably be more likely to want to educate themselves.

Just some thoughts anyway...

[Merlin]

My opinion is if I am ready to have sex with someone then I need to be able to disclose my BP and abuse, but I don't lead with it. I work in the mental health field though, so I can get a bit of a gauge on how the person may react to mental illness when I talk about my work.