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Old May 21, 2011, 08:20 AM
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allme allme is offline
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Hi all,

I'm feeling really rubbish today, feel tired and generally low in mood. I am also having bouts of feeling angry....all directed at someone in my life that makes things very difficult for me. I don't know why I keep hanging on to this person but I do.

My brother is also giveing me cause for concern...but thats another story. Feel so sad today...I just want to go back to bed and I only got up at 2pm

My friend called me and I ignored her call....when actually I could do with some company but....I just havent got the energy.

Last night, I had a dream about my ex boyfriend who abused me both mentally and physically. I was thinking about him last night so I guess thats where the dream came from. Hmmm actually, maybe thats why I'm feeling like this today. The thoughts I had about him last night and then dreaming about him so he was the first thing on my mind when I woke up! Ok all makes sense now. Just have to look after myself today.


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  #2  
Old May 21, 2011, 08:30 AM
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lxegirl lxegirl is offline
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i know how you feel about not having enough energy to even answer a call from a friend. it sucks. like no motivation to do something- pretty much like the living dead. (((allme)))
take care, please.
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Thanks for this!
allme
  #3  
Old May 21, 2011, 08:31 AM
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Direction Direction is offline
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Glad you were able to think things through a bit...maybe you can give that friend a call?
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Feeling rubbish

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Thanks for this!
allme
  #4  
Old May 21, 2011, 06:16 PM
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allme allme is offline
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I ended up going back to bed only to be plagued by memories of my ex boyfriend again. It's been 13 yrs since we finally broke up and have been with my husband now for 12 yrs so, considering I haven't thought about him or had dreams about him, what I really have to ask myself is 'why now?' I have had a few days on a 'little up'....somewhat hyper but nothing extreme so that could go to explain some of how I am feeling....but what lead me to have memories of him come to the front of my mind? I googled his house and sat there on my lap top just stearing at it while listening to a song that we liked together. Why I am doing this to myself? It's like a part of me wants to remember I had fantasies last night about seeing him and in this fantasy i sat at his kitchen table telling him how wrong he was about me...to a certain extent, and how well I was doing for myself. In this fantasy, we got back together and he had help re his very violent temper and we lived happily ever after blah blah blah. But, I love my husband.....so I am so confused. And I feel guilty about these feelings. But a part of me wants him to know that I survived and that all the things he told me I would be without him....I am not. Oh my, now I am feeling terrible again
  #5  
Old May 21, 2011, 07:52 PM
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allme allme is offline
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Its now nearly 2am and have given up sleeping as I feel so anxious and sad .....I want to cry but I cant
  #6  
Old May 22, 2011, 12:37 PM
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lxegirl lxegirl is offline
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((allme)) i'm sorry you did survive though. you have a better life now, think positive!
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"Wounds heal and become scars. But scars grow with us" -Stanislaw Lec
Thanks for this!
allme
  #7  
Old May 22, 2011, 06:35 PM
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allme allme is offline
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thanks Its just so hard to feel positive while feeling so anxious One day at a time I guess....
  #8  
Old May 22, 2011, 06:43 PM
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bigmamababs bigmamababs is offline
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sometimes its one day at a time one hour at a time and one minute at a time that is how time is doled out to us. take pride in all the small moments because it adds up. you will survive this. sending best wishes your way.
Thanks for this!
allme
  #9  
Old May 22, 2011, 06:51 PM
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allme allme is offline
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thanks Just feeling so sad again and jumbled. the most depressing thought is, its never gonna end is it? I really do try and make the best of my lot, but this illness, it takes me over and I struggle to see anything in me other than this illness. It's almost as if I am letting it define me as a person and cower to it's every whim. I know this illness does not define who I am as a person, it's just difficult at times to look outside of the bipolar box. I want to scream and cry right now, I have a build up of fire on my stomache and right now I am all alone. Really, pls, I just want to be free :'(
  #10  
Old May 22, 2011, 06:58 PM
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bigmamababs bigmamababs is offline
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so scream and cry..you have got to get it out. as long as you don't do anything foolish? do you have a pdoc or a tdoc. amy be you can give them a call. it is better to get it out then leave it all in thats dangerous. so give them a call if you can.
Thanks for this!
allme
  #11  
Old May 22, 2011, 07:09 PM
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allme allme is offline
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I will be fine.....I just get so wound up :'( My CPN is visiting this thursday. I might call her tomorrow and see if I can see her sooner.
  #12  
Old May 23, 2011, 06:45 PM
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lxegirl lxegirl is offline
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good, do that.
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"Wounds heal and become scars. But scars grow with us" -Stanislaw Lec
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