Trying to keep the wolves at bay...

I was doing well for a while, but I feel like I'm falling again. My mother went into the hospital after a bad fall with a brain bleed last week. She is out of the hospital and in a rehab facility, but is still not doing well. I think I underestimated just how much this has affected me. She is two hours away and I have not been able to go see her yet. I hope to this weekend. I haven't been able to have much of a relationship with her in the past few years. She had a stroke almost 20 years ago and now Alzheimer's is setting in. Even though I can't really talk to her much, I am still not ready to lose her.

My warning signs are starting to creep in. I haven't been eating well at all the last couple of days, haven't felt like taking a shower, have no motivation to cook for my family. My dissociation has gotten worse. I think some of my mild visual hallucinations are returning - seeing things out of the corner of my eye, but trying not to over react to it. Maybe there was a cat outside the door, you know? But it's more than that, I know. I think I'm gong to call my pdoc today and see if I can increase my Risperdal this weekend if things get worse. I"m feeling safe, just down. I will try to eat something healthy today. It's just that I have no appetite and things feel strange when I'm dissociated. I couldn't eat our regular family dinner last night, but was able to stomach an English muffin. Three weeks ago I was hypomanic...just another part of the ride, I guess. Thanks for listening.

Dragonfly, I'm sorry you are under such pressure with your mum being in a bad way. Getting your pdoc on sides quickly is a great idea, if you can.
I hope the sneaky things wear off without taking on a more debilitating form.

(((((Dragonfly)))))

Stay in touch and hold on as best as you can

Sorry about your mom, that's not easy. I'll be wishing you both well from here. Even tho you feel like you are slipping, it sounds like you are taking the all the right meassures, very admirable . Hoping it will just be a short slump for you.

Thanks everyone.

I just got off the phone with my pdoc. We're increasing my Risperdal and I'll see him in a couple of weeks to follow up. I managed to get into the shower and now I'm going to try to get a little sunshine. Love you guys.

I hope I'm not being insensitive by asking this question. Please forgive me but I have some questions. I see things out of the corner of my eye, when I used to stay up late I'd see orbs materialize. I used to think they were ghosts....but this is a delusion? A hallucination? I've also heard voices after I had my triplets. One just said hi, and one told my I was protected when my son was screaming uncontrollably. Are these things I really need to tell my doctor about?

Sunshine is awesome when you feel like that ... the sun light makes your serotonin levels increase naturally!!

Also, something that helped me get motivated for cooking again was baking a cake ... not from scratch (which is my preferred method) but just out of the box with some easy frosting.

Maybe if you make it for your mom it'll be a lil easier to do. Maybe even write something sweet on it for her. You kill 3 birds with 1 stone, accomplish cooking something, bring something to your mom to make her smile, and get to eat something!

Try it!! I made a Coca Cola cake for my IOP group when I has having a tough time with cooking. They all bought the ingredients and it was awesome seeing everyone have a piece of cake and say it was delicious. Baby steps my dear friend!

Being tired can do funny things to your eyes, so I'm not quite sure what to make of the orbs. Sometimes you can see small whitish dots floating by - these are actually called "floaters" and are pieces of tissue floating in the vitreous fluid of your eye. If you get a lot of them, you should call an eye doctor, as they can be a sign of retinal damage.

My visual hallucinations begin as general odd movement from the corner of my eye. Eventually they progress to seeing more solid things moving - usually about the size of a mouse, maybe a bit larger - and they get closer to my central vision. I don't see people or anything particularly grotesque, but they are distressing and I know that once I start seeing them, I'm getting sick.

As for the auditory hallucinations, those I would probably mention to your doctor. Odd sounds of music or muffled voices can be a form of tinnitus, but if you're hearing clear words, then that's a bit different. I get mild auditory hallucinations, but I haven't had any this time yet, so that's a good thing.

Thanks I'm seeing him Monday. I haven't heard anything in about three years but I'd see things when I was stressed. Also after watching Ghost Hunters on the Travel channel. It freaks me out...but I love it!!! LOL