[johnf22881]

I'm John and I am 30 years old. My life has been complete hell for over 10 years. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a little over 10 years ago. I cannot keep a job because I just quit for one crazy reason or another. I have gotten multiple DWIs and don't have a license currently. I don't have or want any friends because I am pretty antisocial. Yet, I am in a relationship with this girl, who I just got pregnant (an wanted to at the time, terrible judgement), and now I have zero interest in her and continuously think and picture every single fault she has. I have cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had and don't know why. Sooner or later I find something wrong with every girlfriend, so far, that disgusts me. I use drugs more often than not and would say I have a problem with drugs, alcohol, gambling, and the like. I am a liar. I have stolen from family and friends. I have had my fair share of legal problems. I have obsessive thoughts about all types of stuff and can't make them stop, and most of the thoughts are worries. One minute I feel like I can do anything and then I feel I can do nothing the next. My grandfather just had a stroke. He was like the dad I never had. I have gone to see him in the hospital a few times, but I feel like I don't care and that absolutely kills me. For the last few months, or more, I have barely left the house. I pretty much have no interest in anything. I need to get a job because I got fired about 5 months ago. I have worked at this place for about 5 years, but quit the same place 11 times in that 5 years. I was a finance director at a car dealership, but want nothing to do with sales anymore. I have absolutely no idea what to do for work or with life anymore. I can't even figure out what I like anymore.

Just ended the relationship with my girl and she is taking advantage of "her right to choose."

That is my story, the brutal truth of it.

Yes, I am on medication and don't feel like any of the medications I have been on have ever helped.

[BlackPup]

Thank you for your brutal honesty. It is really healthy that you are able see your faults so clearly. I guess now the challenge is to fix those problems, one at a time. Your meds will never have the opportunity to work if you use drugs or excessive alcohol, but also they probably need some tweeking if you have struggled so much over the last 10 years. I would suggest talking with your pdoc to get a med change to try and get a better handle on things. Talking with a therapist might also be helpful to understand why you feel the way you do about the people close to you, and to help you stay off drugs.
good luck with your journey.

[Forgive77]

I think you said it all black pup. There is a book that I'm half way through, and it seems like most of the people here have read it. "Living with someone who is Living with Bipolar." You should talk to your doctor, and read this book. Street drugs and alcohol can send you into Manic or mixed states. You can't control your impulses. I only stopped drinking this week. You also have to stay off of caffeine. It can do the same thing. I do the same things with friends and family, and just start to hate them, but with the right meds and no stimulants, and therapy it starts to get better. Just remember these are diseases you have, and it's not the real you.

[johnf22881]

I've had 16 psychiatrists in the last ten years and have been on ALL the medications for bp. I have to imagine that I have also been on practically every combination of meds. I have been trying to kick the drugs, booze, gambling, and anything else I shouldn't be doing, but am having a tough time doing it.

I totally agree with what you are saying and will talk to the doc again, but he knows I am in awful shape already. I can't imagine what can be done at this point. If I had health insurance right now I would absolutely give ECT a try. Other than that, I have no clue what can help.

Thanks for the ideas.

[lotusflames]

John, hope you dont mind if i go throug your post in bits. it's too long otherwise (sorry bad attention span).

"Yet, I am in a relationship with this girl, who I just got pregnant (an wanted to at the time, terrible judgement), and now I have zero interest in her and continuously think and picture every single fault she has."

OK, does she know how you feel? are you planning on taking care of the baby when he/she comes along? how are you going to do that? RElationships are very hard. How long have you been together? Sometimes we get to a point where a relationship can't continue. However, lots of long term relationships get to that point cos you become so familiar with each other there's just no spark left and it's up to you to reignite that spark. IF that's what you want.
I read at the end that she's using her right to choose, do you blame her? Do you wish she would keep it? Are you judging her for it?

"I have cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had and don't know why."

YOu do know why. you just don't want to admit to it.

" I use drugs more often than not and would say I have a problem with drugs, alcohol, gambling, and the like. I am a liar."

The use of any drugs is likely to make ANYTHING worse. You dont say if you are dx bipolar but i'm assuming you are as you've posted here. any drugs or alcohol will destabilise you very quickly or just stop the meds from working in the first place. if it's as big a deal as it seems to be, ask your dr to get you in to some form of detox programme. Until you are clean of everything, you wont be stabilised.

"My grandfather just had a stroke. He was like the dad I never had. I have gone to see him in the hospital a few times, but I feel like I don't care and that absolutely kills me."
I'm really sorry about your granddad/. that's a lot of stress to add to your already chaotic life. I do hope he's going to be ok. Perhaps the feeling of not caring is just your way of coping. it's failry common.

[johnf22881]

She now knows how I feel, we are no longer together. I couldn't carry it on for myself or for her. I have no idea what she is doing with the baby. Part of me wants it, but the other part says no way.

The reason for cheating is not important at this point, seriously don't know it. The point is that I always lied and told everyone I never cheated, so this is the first time I've admitted it to anyone.

I'm battling the addiction and I am winning so far.

Thanks for your input.

Originally Posted by lotusflames

John, hope you dont mind if i go throug your post in bits. it's too long otherwise (sorry bad attention span).

"Yet, I am in a relationship with this girl, who I just got pregnant (an wanted to at the time, terrible judgement), and now I have zero interest in her and continuously think and picture every single fault she has."

OK, does she know how you feel? are you planning on taking care of the baby when he/she comes along? how are you going to do that? RElationships are very hard. How long have you been together? Sometimes we get to a point where a relationship can't continue. However, lots of long term relationships get to that point cos you become so familiar with each other there's just no spark left and it's up to you to reignite that spark. IF that's what you want.
I read at the end that she's using her right to choose, do you blame her? Do you wish she would keep it? Are you judging her for it?

"I have cheated on every girlfriend I've ever had and don't know why."

YOu do know why. you just don't want to admit to it.

" I use drugs more often than not and would say I have a problem with drugs, alcohol, gambling, and the like. I am a liar."

The use of any drugs is likely to make ANYTHING worse. You dont say if you are dx bipolar but i'm assuming you are as you've posted here. any drugs or alcohol will destabilise you very quickly or just stop the meds from working in the first place. if it's as big a deal as it seems to be, ask your dr to get you in to some form of detox programme. Until you are clean of everything, you wont be stabilised.

"My grandfather just had a stroke. He was like the dad I never had. I have gone to see him in the hospital a few times, but I feel like I don't care and that absolutely kills me."
I'm really sorry about your granddad/. that's a lot of stress to add to your already chaotic life. I do hope he's going to be ok. Perhaps the feeling of not caring is just your way of coping. it's failry common.

[blueoctober]

Welcome John. I agree with BP. Have you been seeing a Psychiatrist regularly? Perhaps you could try to find a Psychiatrist that specializes with addictions and mood disorders.

[lotusflames]

it does seem like you're doing some really good things. battling the addiction(s) is the best thing you can do!

Hi John.

For a long time I had a VERY bad problem with lying I had an entire fake life for about four or five years. I made people up, a fake job, fake bad things happening to me for attention, fake profiles online with other people's pictures, ect. One day it was finally too much for me and I just told everyone "literally everything I've ever told you before Tuesday was a lie," and I went from there. I lost friends, NO ONE trusted me for a long time but it was worth it. Best thing I ever did.

I also have problems keeping jobs. I think the longest I have ever had a job is four months. I either quit for stupid reasons or get fired for attendance. I have not worked in years and if I'm honest with myself I am too scared to go back.

When I was younger I had legal problems, stealing and what not.

What I'm trying to say is that I think we have a lot in common and if you'd like someone to talk to I'm here.

[johnf22881]

Thanks for all your replies. I have been clean for 5 days now, no drugs, no booze, no gambling, and no other stimulants. I have been so depressed I couldn't even move for the first 3 days. I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow and I am finally going to tell him EVERYTHING.

[Trippin2.0]

Good for you john! I'm proud of you!!