[Djinn8]

Hi. First of I apologise for the length and detail of this post. I'm writing this as much as an exorcism as for advice, since I'm having a hard time keeping it together.

My girlfriend suffers with Bi-polar. It's nothing new to me, we've been together for years. But recently, over the last half a year, she's been getting steadily worse, becoming more and more manic.

Last christmas I found out that she had been cheating on me with this real low life. He'd been taking money from her, using her and later on harrasing her. It wasn't all him, she had her part in. When she's manic, nothing I do is good enough and she act as though she hates me. It's unwarented, this hatred, at least in my eyes. I believe this affair began to spite me, but got out of control.

When I found out I tried to be understanding. I let her come stay with me so she could get away from this guy and let the situation blow over. I didn't let on that I knew the full story, but dropped hints, giving her the chance to come clean. She didn't, at least not until the very last second, when proof beyond doubt was about to be laid before her. She begged and pleaded to be forgiven for what she'd done, promising that nothing like this would happen again. It's a promise she hasn't kept. Perhaps a promise she's incapable of keeping.

A week ago she had to go into the respite that the Mental Health Team have set up for her to attend every so often. When she came back out after two days, her character had changed totally. Before going in, there was no problem really. She was a bit high, but not excessivly so. Going into the respite seemed to have kicked her into a full blown manic episode. She was rushing back and forth from the hospital with illnesses; phoning me and my friend to shout abuse at us; demanding unreasonable things such as can I transport her cats about for her at 3.00 in the morning or give her a sum of money which I owe her when I have nothing to give her, then screaming and threatening to smash my windows if I didn't comply.

I lost it, snapped back, shouted at her. We ended up breaking up over the phone.

Over the next week we talked, reconciled somewhat, made progress. All the time she seemed distracted, couldn't focus, didn't seem to take anything I said seriously. I know that's part of her condition. At least she was half listening to what I was saying.

A couple of days later she phoned me up with an emergency. One of her cats had fallen out of a third story window and had to go to the vets, but she had no money because she had blow it all running around the bars in town with another bi-polar girl. I offered to help her, with the promise that she would give me the money back the next day when she got paid. We then cleaned out my bank account to sort the cat out.

The next day she called and said that she hadn't been paid. When I protested she started going on about how I wasn't being supportive of her condition and how that money would go towards the money I owe her, even though doing so would leave me with nothing to eat for over a week. We ended up rowing again and had another bust up after a week of sorting things out.

Angry at what was happening, I went onto her facebook page to see what she was saying about me as she'd been excessivly using facebook since her mania started up. In the comments I came across an old post between her and her bi-polar friend talking about how things were going between her and her new man. Not well it would seem, and it was dated around the same time as her sudden character change. I confronted her with the fact that she was having another affair, which she denied. But then she'd say things like "why do you care anyway" and "people do cheat you know". Stuff like that which confirms it. I also learned that she's been having contact with some of the people that caused her trouble over christmas as well. Add on to that the fact that I suspect that she may have taken some random bloke home from town when her and her mate were out getting slaughtered, though I've no proof to back this up, just paranoia and some suspicious things she's said.

Anyway, with all the hate mail that she was posting on facebook my family took notice since she's added them all as friends. When they started to stick up for me, she turned on them. Now my whole family hates her.

And that's where things stand at the moment. I'm torn in two by what's happening. On one side I have my family, my friends and my self respect telling me that I should have nothing to do with her, but on the other hand this is someone I love, someone I've spent years with happily who is suffering from a horrible illness. The Mental Health Team are doing nothing to help her. I mean when she was having the episode at the respite where they are supposed to monitor her, and they just let her walk out to go running around town. They've given her no therapy programs in about about a year or so and her CPN dosen't help her beyond ensuring that she gets a sizable benefit check and upping her dosage when she's bad, which doesn't seem to be helping at all.

Anyway, if you read all that, have a cookie... seriously, have two. I just feel so lost in all this, so conflicted. I don't know how I can help her, or even if I should try. And the worst thing is it seems like she doesn't even want to help herself, or to admit that the way she's acting is wrong.

[wing]

You aren't married to this woman who seems to be totally uninterested in getting help. I seriously doubt she is taking her meds. Your relationship is fast becoming codependent and is not healthy for either one of you. I say cut your losses and let her go. There is no future with a bipolar who refuses treatment, but more of the same things you have experienced over and over. You wouldn't take the kind of abuse she is dishing out if she WEREN'T bipolar...don't let her use it as an excuse to abuse you any more.

[dragonfly2]

While I agree with Wingin'it that her bipolar disorder should not excuse her behavior, it does sound like the people who are supposed to be treating her are failing her. Even though her CPN probably can't give you information without her consent, YOU can give her CPN information. Call the CPN and tell her that your girlfriend seems manic and is exhibiting dangerous behavior. (Cheating is one thing...bringing home strangers is another thing altogether and in my mind, with everything else going on, would be grounds for hospitalization.) The CPN may not be getting the whole story - your girlfriend probably doesn't see her behavior as unusual and just tells the CPN she's "fine".

Certainly, don't let this go on indefinitely and end up hurting your own mental health. If the relationship needs to end, then it needs to end. But I would first take this to the next level and intervene by getting in touch with her CPN.

[blueoctober]

Hi Djinn8. I agree with Winginit. Certainly the relationship isn't necessarily a lost cause, but it will take both of you to work on it and part of this would be going for couples and individual counseling. If you do want to work on it let her know this, but set a time limit on seeing some changes.

The book in my signature is for spouses, family etc. It's excellent.

[cheeri]

Okay...so I really hate to admit this, but this girl sounds very much like me. While I have never asked for consolement after cheating on him, or insulted him, or spread my business on the internet for his family to see...in their eyes, I did all of these things. He tried so hard to be supportive and understanding. I know he truly wanted to be a grounding force in all my madness, but it never happened. Maybe he allowed me to get away with too much...maybe I never loved him quite enough. I'm seeing someone else now, and for some reason I feel a huge responsibility to treat him with more respect. I seem to have much greater control over my actions and impulses that affect him. This probably is not what you wanted to hear...but it all sounds supremely familiar to me. I hurt someone I really cared about, and that's no sunny day. You're in a tough spot...use all of our wisdom and experience to make a healthy decision for yourself, this woman, and both of your futures.

[Djinn8]

Thanks everyone. Does anyone have any advice to give to her. I'm thinking of printing this thread out. Don't know if it'll do anything and there's a chance she'll she the whole thing as an insult, but its worth a shot I guess.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

I'm thinking of printing this thread out. Don't know if it'll do anything and there's a chance she'll she the whole thing as an insult, but its worth a shot I guess.

I don't know her, but she may find that off-putting. I would suggest just giving her some time. Bottom line is she needs to put the effort in. No one can do it for her and she needs to be an active member in her recovery.

This is my list that I've done up for managing bipolar.

·Take meds as prescribed.

·Educate yourself on the illness.

·Be honest with your psychiatrist, GP, therapist etc.

·Get regular sleep, if you can't sleep ask for a prescription for sleep to be taken regularly or as needed.

·Eat properly i.e. avoid excessive caffeine, junk food etc.

·Avoid alcohol.

·Avoid non-prescription drugs and/or drugs not prescribed to you.

·Exercise regularly.

·Set a routine for yourself i.e. getting up at the same time, going to sleep at the same time.

·Surround yourself with people that fill you up.

·Take time for yourself.

·Be patient. The med regime for many diagnosed does take time, but it's worth taking the time.

·Write in a journal especially with how you are feeling right now; that way if you ever considered going off meds it may help you make a better decision.

·Track your mood. Great free one online at http://www.medhelp.org/land/mood-tracker

·And finally remember you aren't your diagnosis. You have bipolar, but you aren't bipolar.

[Forgive77]

This girl sounds very much like me also. I have been angry at my husband, and have treated him unlovingly. I've never cheated, but that's cause I have five kids and never get out of the house. I took all his saying nothing as not caring, and when he said something I blew up. I would write terrible e-mails to his family and parents. I've been in therapy for 8 months now. On meds., and things are just starting to get to normal. She needs to discover empathy for your and your family, which will only come with therapy, and meds. It took me 6 months to get over the anger, and see that I have made them suffer. But I was abusive, and angry as well. All these things she is doing is making he symptoms worse. Too much change not enough stability, and structure. Blowing money and hyper-sexuality can be apart of this, but for me...I'm on meds, and it takes all of my libido away. So I feel nothing. I agree she's not taking her meds either, nor is she with the right therapist. If she is on her meds she's not taking them. Does she do drugs? Street drugs extascy and cocaine can make it worse. Get the book that was mentioned. It will validate you. I just bought it Monday for myself and my family. I'm so glad it was mentioned. I read the first few pages, and it gave me more understanding and empathy. To go or not to go? I think she really needs to accept she needs help, and I don't thing she will until she crashes, and then she'll come to you again. Sigh.... I don't know how you put up with the cheating. But I think she thinks you'll put up with anything at this point. So sorry for you.

[Djinn8]

I've decide that the best thing to do is link this thread to her CPN. Hopefully what's written her will give him a clear idea of the situation.

Thanks a lot everybody, talking about this has helped clear my mind somewhat.

[kykid]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

Hi. First of I apologise for the length and detail of this post. I'm writing this as much as an exorcism as for advice, since I'm having a hard time keeping it together.

My girlfriend suffers with Bi-polar. It's nothing new to me, we've been together for years. But recently, over the last half a year, she's been getting steadily worse, becoming more and more manic.

Last christmas I found out that she had been cheating on me with this real low life. He'd been taking money from her, using her and later on harrasing her. It wasn't all him, she had her part in. When she's manic, nothing I do is good enough and she act as though she hates me. It's unwarented, this hatred, at least in my eyes. I believe this affair began to spite me, but got out of control.

When I found out I tried to be understanding. I let her come stay with me so she could get away from this guy and let the situation blow over. I didn't let on that I knew the full story, but dropped hints, giving her the chance to come clean. She didn't, at least not until the very last second, when proof beyond doubt was about to be laid before her. She begged and pleaded to be forgiven for what she'd done, promising that nothing like this would happen again. It's a promise she hasn't kept. Perhaps a promise she's incapable of keeping.

A week ago she had to go into the respite that the Mental Health Team have set up for her to attend every so often. When she came back out after two days, her character had changed totally. Before going in, there was no problem really. She was a bit high, but not excessivly so. Going into the respite seemed to have kicked her into a full blown manic episode. She was rushing back and forth from the hospital with illnesses; phoning me and my friend to shout abuse at us; demanding unreasonable things such as can I transport her cats about for her at 3.00 in the morning or give her a sum of money which I owe her when I have nothing to give her, then screaming and threatening to smash my windows if I didn't comply.

I lost it, snapped back, shouted at her. We ended up breaking up over the phone.

Over the next week we talked, reconciled somewhat, made progress. All the time she seemed distracted, couldn't focus, didn't seem to take anything I said seriously. I know that's part of her condition. At least she was half listening to what I was saying.

A couple of days later she phoned me up with an emergency. One of her cats had fallen out of a third story window and had to go to the vets, but she had no money because she had blow it all running around the bars in town with another bi-polar girl. I offered to help her, with the promise that she would give me the money back the next day when she got paid. We then cleaned out my bank account to sort the cat out.

The next day she called and said that she hadn't been paid. When I protested she started going on about how I wasn't being supportive of her condition and how that money would go towards the money I owe her, even though doing so would leave me with nothing to eat for over a week. We ended up rowing again and had another bust up after a week of sorting things out.

Angry at what was happening, I went onto her facebook page to see what she was saying about me as she'd been excessivly using facebook since her mania started up. In the comments I came across an old post between her and her bi-polar friend talking about how things were going between her and her new man. Not well it would seem, and it was dated around the same time as her sudden character change. I confronted her with the fact that she was having another affair, which she denied. But then she'd say things like "why do you care anyway" and "people do cheat you know". Stuff like that which confirms it. I also learned that she's been having contact with some of the people that caused her trouble over christmas as well. Add on to that the fact that I suspect that she may have taken some random bloke home from town when her and her mate were out getting slaughtered, though I've no proof to back this up, just paranoia and some suspicious things she's said.

Anyway, with all the hate mail that she was posting on facebook my family took notice since she's added them all as friends. When they started to stick up for me, she turned on them. Now my whole family hates her.

And that's where things stand at the moment. I'm torn in two by what's happening. On one side I have my family, my friends and my self respect telling me that I should have nothing to do with her, but on the other hand this is someone I love, someone I've spent years with happily who is suffering from a horrible illness. The Mental Health Team are doing nothing to help her. I mean when she was having the episode at the respite where they are supposed to monitor her, and they just let her walk out to go running around town. They've given her no therapy programs in about about a year or so and her CPN dosen't help her beyond ensuring that she gets a sizable benefit check and upping her dosage when she's bad, which doesn't seem to be helping at all.

Anyway, if you read all that, have a cookie... seriously, have two. I just feel so lost in all this, so conflicted. I don't know how I can help her, or even if I should try. And the worst thing is it seems like she doesn't even want to help herself, or to admit that the way she's acting is wrong.

The best thing you can do for yourself and your girlfriend is to move on.

It seems from your post that she doesn't want help. She appears to enjoy the mania, which is not uncommon. I suffer mostly from depression so I cannot speak to this.

Take care of yourself. If she questions you, simply tell her that until she gets help, you will not be available for her. Maybe, if she truly cares for you, she will get the hint and start her road to recovery. At this point, you may wish to enter into a relationship with her again. Then again, maybe not.

Again, I cannot emphasize enough that you need to take care of yourself and remove yourself from this situation.

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by Djinn8

I've decide that the best thing to do is link this thread to her CPN. Hopefully what's written her will give him a clear idea of the situation.

Thanks a lot everybody, talking about this has helped clear my mind somewhat.

my bf has this condition and its heartbreaking , i have pu tmy own mental health to the back of the pile whilst always considering him and his needs , thing is if they dont wnat to help themselfs then what is the point ? please have the strength to walk away from this there are plenty of healthy relationships u can have out there , also i get a bit fed up of bi polar being used as an excuse all the time x

Glimmerofhope, I'm sure you do get fed up with that. I get fed up with it too.

We are not all bad people and I get tired of having to work my ***** off just to prove I'm a decent human being. I'd love for people to see me as a person and not an overhyped stereotype that's undeserving of love.

[Confusedinomicon]

I agree with Anika totally. I know I may act irrationally sometimes, but that doesn't make me any less of a person. I know there is ME in there and if I try to stay stable that symptoms aren't nearly as severe.

Bipolar stereotypes really put me off. :\