Bipolar and Infidelity

Hello-

This is my first time here and I am seeking advice. I am not bipolar but my boyfriend is. We have been together one year and one week. His last episode was 4 years ago. During the past month he started to behave differently. To make a long story short, he cheated on me. He told me what happened and we went to the psychiatrist and he is now taking Abilify. Before this episode he had not been on any medication because he was doing well and not having any episodes.

I sat in his session with the psychiatrist and he reviewed my boyfriends entire history with me. His episodes did not seem severe and he explained that my boyfriend is stable when on meds and that he has had other patients cheat while in an episode. This was the first time my boyfriend cheated.

I told my boyfriend I would give him one more chance BUT only if he stays on the medication. He agreed. This all happened 1 week before our one year anniversary. Since his episode and being on the meds he has been back to his old self and really happy again.

My question is, how can I get past his infidelity when I know he was not himself and he had an episode? During our relationship we never had any problems. We were happy and talking about marriage.

He also mentioned his episodes usually occur in the late spring early summer. His mom warned me about signs and they were there but I did not realize it at the time. Could our 1 year anniversary have triggered an episode somehow?

If this is not the best place to post my question please advise me where to go. Thanks

Welcome hope. The reason behind the cheating doesn't take away the hurt. I would suggest couples counseling, so you can both work through this. As far as the meds he will need to stay on them and if he's not willing to you may go through this cycle again and again.

The book in my signature is for family, significant others etc. It's excellent.

Thanks blueoctober! I will def look into that book. Right now I am writing Cynthia Last's "When Someone You Love is Bipolar. It's a good read but I def want to read more. Thanks for the advice!

My bf is willing to stay on the meds. He said he will do anything it takes for me to stay. We've been crying a lot over this but I am at the point where I believe he wants to get better. Time will only tell and he has to prove himself to me.

hope610 your boyfriend is very lucky to have you.;

Thank you. And he knows it

I am bipolar and almost cheated on my husband a couple times during a recent episode. He doesn't know how close I got to doing it. Trouble with mania is these ideas we get feel so right at the time and we are sure we must do whatever it is we are compelled to do. And the hypersexuality is a killer. I spent a week thinking about nothing else.
A second chance seems to me to be an OK move in this situation, but you do have to get yourself therapy so you can move forward, if that's what you want.
I sympathize with you both.

Hi hope610. I'm a bipolar guy and also go through hypersexual episodes so perhaps I can give some guy insight and what can possibly help your boyfriend to stay faithful going forward during your relationship?

I realise everyone is different and my bipolar condition might not be as severe as your boyfriend's but I find a personal value system drawn from my own personal philosophy helps restrain me from getting up to nonsense. At the time of my last relationship my partner and I also had a binding relationship promise/oath that I took very seriously. Our relationship itself ended because of natural personality differences, not because of any cheating.

I also found that consciously trying to not allow myself to be put in risky situations that could lead to cheating was also helpful, as when there's limited opportunity then the possible challenge to one's manic desires is almost nil.

I know blueoctober already said it, but your boyfriend really is lucky to be with you. It can be so difficult for people who don't have bipolar to understand. It doesn't make his cheating ok, but the fact that you are understanding and willing to work with him says so much.

I hope everything works out!

Thank you ladyjrnlist. I appreciate your insight. I am learning more about the disorder and how it affects people, which is very helpful. I do want to move forward. I have been trying to find an online support group for people who are dating or married to someone bipolar but no luck yet.

Thank you for your insight Hope Walker. My bf does not have a severe case of bipolar. I like your personal value system idea. Did you write anything down? My bf realizes he cannot put himself in situations likes these anymore. I just hope he sticks to that.

Thank you very much animasana! I am trying my best to understand. Reading books help. I also have MS so I understand what it feels like to not be yourself at times. I agree, it does not make his cheating ok but I believe we can give our relationship one more chance. My bf wrote me an apology letter and mentioned "I know it's not easy to date someone like me." For some reason that helped me with the situation. He also said he loves me for putting up with him and working through this. I just hope it all works out in the end.

I believe good comes out of bad. I feel this situation brought us closer and he is more open about things now. Maybe we needed something to test our relationship, even though I like this was a little severe

Hope610, You are not alone. My wife had an affair 4 years ago and even took our young children along with her when she would meet him. It was seriously out of character for her. She was diagonsed with rapid cycling type II BPD and recieved medication. The behaviors stopped, but then came the guilt. There have been some close calls recently, but we think it may be related to a medication change and she has a call in to the pdoc.

Hang in there, I know how you feel. Having a bipolar spouse/significant other is draining, but not as tough as being the bipolar person. I would take my wife's bpd in a heartbeat if I could so that she could feel some peace.

Look for a support group in your area and I wish you luck. I have not found one in my area, but the folks on this forum are great. I have learned more about what my wife goes through here in the last week than I have anywhere else in the last four years.

Remember to take care of yourself!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience Cole. I am learning a lot in these forums. I just wish I knew how to get past the anger and paranoia. I am going to try and find a support group tonight.

How did you get past the affair 4 years ago? If you need to, send me a private message. I wouldn't mind chatting with you about this. Thanks

You never get past it all the way. It takes an enourmous effort on your part, as well as your partner's, to recover. I still to this day get paranoid and angry, just less often.

The thing that was difficult to accept, but necessary, was that it was not her- it was the BPD. It is very hard to seperate the BPD from the person and even harder to not take the affair as a personal attack.

One thing I did not have that I hope you seek is counceling for yourself. In these situations, we are so focused on helping the person with the illness that the the other person in the relationship tends to get overlooked.

If you are going to stay in this relationship, you must learn everything you can about BPD. Your role will be as difficut as that of one who is in a relationship with a cancer patient or a person with a severe handcap. BPD is an illness, is not curable, and it takes great effort on your part and your partners to keep it under control. The drawback is that when it gets the worst and you need the most help, your partner will be unable to help. That is the nature of the beast.

Read the conversations on this web site. I have found out more about BPD and what the world looks like through my wife's eyes here than anywhere else, and hopefully I can find a way to help her and continue to rebuild our relationship.

Thank you Cole. I do want to get counseling. I have MS and I need to think of myself as well. Although I have a mild case I still have to think about how stress affects my life. I've been reading and reading everything I can on BPD. My boyfriend is on Abilify. I was supposed to see him tonight but he canceled at the last minute. He did mention today he wasn't feeling. Anyway, he said he was tired from the meds. While I do believe that, I still have that paranoid feeling. I hope it lessons soon...His body is still getting used to the meds. It's only been 2 1/2 weeks..I'm doing my best to be patient but I hate the paranoia the most.

I didn't as I'd already delved deeply into philosophy/spirituality out of personal interest for years so I had a foundation already built.

But I did build some 'mental trip switches' from habit on some of the simple value principles I followed. When one of those switches would trip I'd remember a personal rule that conflicted with what I wanted to do when I'd be manic.

Writing things down might however be useful in his case for automatically remembering such values. What's important ultimately is not what'll be on paper but rather in your boyfriend's head.

It is hard to control this hypersexual mood in mania, well I should say it was. Now that I am fully aware of my diagnosis and with the help of my husband I am hoping that I will never have an affair again. It will be hard cause even though I have stepped away from my old life I still sometimes can see that it comes into play. Like I started to notice guys and I feel like they are making eye contact to get my attention. I am really honest with my husband so that we can both be on the look out for any symptoms that can go to either end of the BP. Educating yourself is so important. I have learned so much from here, books, support groups and others who deal with the same diagnosis. If he is serious I am sure with both of you working to keep him stable it can work. I can't say it's easy but with your SO being there to support you it really helps. When I get hypersexual I just tell my husband to give me more love and attention which really helps.

Cheating hurts. It sounds like you love him but the paranoia means you don't fully trust him anymore, and that is a normal reaction. That being said..i don't think there is anything you can do more then you have already done to get over it. I mean it's just as simple as him having to earn your trust back..that requires actions from him...not you. You have done your part by saying i will give you another chance if you stay on medication. His part is staying on the medication...and earning your trust.