I've been on this manic, psychotic ride for over two months now, I have really been praying for a miracle.

Do miracles come in sheep's clothing painted like depressed psychotic paranoia? Well if so I'm cured. I kinda knew this might be coming. Praying it wouldn't.

My daughter and her broken arm , well I had to take her back to the ER today, they thought she had Compartment Syndrome, thank god they were wrong. She isn't in the clear, but she avoided emergency surgery today.
She is on close to watch and hopefully things will start to heal.

Needless to say all the stressful events in the last few weeks I think have finally teetered my mania. I am not sure if I am going back to mixed or straight to the bottom. Right now I feel like I am in a fight or flight for my daughters sake to get through this. On the inside tho I wish I was dead, not completely dead but maybe partly brain dead.

I am really exhausted and I don't know how much more I can fight. I am so scared to hit bottom right now, I think that will be the end of any fight I have left. I am so paranoid right now too, I noticed yesterday how bad it was getting. I just know someone sent me those disappearing texts as a msg, a warning that I am treading thin water.... see I know I know.

So I am still praying for something, I asked for a miracle last time and it got me this, what should I pray for now?

Please send my daughter any healing thoughts you can, she is already traumatized by the event let alone more surgery.

[dragonfly2]

Sending your daughter...and you....healing thoughts.

[wing]

Anika and daughter

[Trippin2.0]

Sending love,healing and hugs to you and your daughter!

[sugahorse1]

Hugs to you! I hope you and your daughter feel better soon. You awesomely strong to be able to keep things together for your daughters sake, when inside you are battling so much yourself. Reaching out for yourself is a great pillar to hold on to. Please continue to look after yourself too; if the wheels fall off, you are not going to able to be there for your daughter-so first and foremost, you need to stabilise yourself too.
You do know that this is just a phase and will pass. You have been triggered with all this stress, and once the stress settles, you'll be a lot more stable yourself too

[Forgive77]

(((((((((((((((Anika + Daughter)))))))))))))))))))

Thank you guys soo much.

I was soo wishing the mania would stop. Now I'm thinking I'd rather be manic. Sometimes I forget the pain of the down mood. I never ease into it either. It's just BAM!!! The Sui thought are right there in an instant. I noticed last two nights and days I've been really tired too and sleeping no problem. Ugh tempting to use sleep deprivation to switch this around. Anyone use that method ?

I can't take antidepressants so I'm always at a loss in this mood. Mood stabilizer only goes so far and apparently isn't helping that much. The desperate feelings to not go into the depression are enough on their own.

There isn't a pharmaceutical pay off for sleep deprivation. Well maybe there is but a dr has never recommended this to me. I have read about it in regards to depression and I have tried it. A little hard to stay up when you feel exhausted but I have had good to ok results with this in the past.

[dragonfly2]

I've tried the sleep deprivation thing too. Sometimes you just feel that desperate for something to work. It just made me feel jet lagged and dissociated. Blah. Have you called your pdoc? I know you're not thrilled with him, but it sounds like he may have finally gotten the message after you went into the hospital.

Dragonfly, I will call him on Monday. Haha no I don't want too, but I will. Haven't had time for much of anything, it's been so busy here.

I've had that effect of blah too sometimes just doesn't work.

Don't want to speak to soon, but all afternoon I've been feeling like I'm going back up. I just got a whole bunch of stuff done and now I'm feeling energized and a little zoom zoom. Messy messy episode. I guess you wouldn't want to get bored with just one pole.

[Forgive77]

Originally Posted by Anika

I guess you wouldn't want to get bored with just one pole.

Ya....one might dance on it. LOL JK

Glad you feel better!!!

Confusing to say the least. But I dunno i am feeling rather mixed. And I hate mixed, it's the absolute worst place for me. I'm just keeping a check on aggitation and my pacing for right now. It feels even scarier knowing the hospital isn't even an option now.