[whoami??]

Soo here goes nothing!
My entire adult life has been a merry go round of anti depressants
(I'm 30 y/o)
In 2006 I was DX as Bipolar but I was in denial so I never addressed it and I then decided that I was just depressed and that it would all get better by taking anti depressants :-) Yeah yeah I know, it doesn't!
To speed you up to 2011, I have 2 awesome kids- one boy, one girl, a wonderful husband, a beautiful home and I'm living the "American Dream" (or atleast that's what it looks like from the outside looking in )

Over the last 3 months I have been telling my husband that I just don't feel right emotionally. "Maybe I just need my Prozac adjusted" "But something feels off" Well this went on and on for about the next 2-3 months until about 2-3 or so weeks ago.

My husband and the kids were out of town on vacation and all of a sudden I became completely and utterly incapable of caring for even myself. I lost 15 lbs in 2 weeks, I did not sleep, not even one wink for over 3-4 days and when I did sleep prior to that it was for no more than 45 min-2 hr intervals. I finally broke down and checked myself into an inpatient psychiatric hospital. I was placed inpatient for 6 days. Now that I am out and on meds I feel a little better (just a little).
I can atleast eat, I can get out of bed but I still want to curl into my ball and cry. But even that sadness/happiness comes and goes. I'm so confused. I've never ever ever ever felt like this before. I feel like a terrible mother and wife. I've already missed a week of work and have to go back tomorrow and put on the "happy show". I can't afford to miss more work especially since I'm the only one with a job right now! My mind is just going up and down and I feel like total crap inside and out. I feel so detached and void of emotion unless of course that emotion is crying. I'm just tired and exhausted, I'm confused and frustrated and I want all this ***** to go away!!!! I WANT to feel again, I WANT to care again, I WANT to hug my kids and have that same feeling inside that I use to have damnit!!!!!!!!!!

Here are all of my "official' diagnosis "Bipolar 2, Severe General and Social Anxiety, ADHD, OCD, Depression" I'm sure I left a few out but whatever lol
BTW: This is my meds
The meds before entering were:

Adderrall twice a day
Klonopin 0.5 three x's a day

Upon Admission I was changed to:
AM Meds:
Wellbutrin SR 150mg
Klonopin 2mg
Topomax 25mg

Noon meds:
Wellbutrin SR 150mg
Klonopin 2mg

Night meds:
Seroquel 100mg
Restoril 30mg
Klonopin 2mg
Topomax 25 mg

I should add that since the Doctor took away my adderrall cold turkey I feel like I frickin zombie

[wing]

Wow, who, you've had one heck of a summer so far...maybe the meds need some time to kick in? Good choice to put yourself in the hospital when you did. Has anyone mentioned a mood stabilizer? Don't know what to say, but welcome and I'm sure you'll find that lots of us have experienced just what you have.

I have sacrificed having a wide range of emotions for stability. I know I'm not feeling as deeply as I used to, but the downside of that was I couldn't recognize mania. Now I can trust myself to not go off the deep end, and it's worth it to me. I'm so tired of the swings that all I want is to be stable.

((((((whoami))))))

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by wingin'it

Has anyone mentioned a mood stabilizer?

The Topamax is a mood stabilizer.

[whoami??]

Yes, the Topamax is being used as a mood stabilizer

[zbmom]

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time :-( I'm recently diagnosed and struggling to put on the "happy face" at work too, especially since I am getting laid off soon due to budget cuts. I'm also the only one employed in my household. This illness makes everything so much harder. I hope they figure out your meds and you are able to level out. Right now I've just started on topamax and I'm just getting more and more depressed so I don't know what's coming for me........

[wing]

Thank you, I've heard of Topamax, but didn't realize it was used for BP.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by wingin'it

I've heard of Topamax, but didn't realize it was used for BP.

I was having these little seizures that I didn't recognize as being seizures (although other people noticed and commented on them) until they stopped and then came back corresponding to my topamax dose starting and later lowering. I think it's a mild type of epilepsy called Jacksonian march. I did it once in front of my PSYCHIATRIST and he asked me, what's that? AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO KNOW??? I just always called it "my shiver". It wasn't a big deal, and it's nice to have it gone, but it makes me wonder 2 things: what exactly is wrong with my brain, and were my parents aware and never discussed it with me? Things I will never have answers for. Do we have a forum for that?

[wing]

No forum,maybe, but there are a few thread starters in there. As a parent with 2 kids on psych meds I can tell you why I never noticed anything...DENIAL. The selfish notion that since I would have been the one to pass on the illness, Bipolar in my case. Plain denial kept me from recognizing and getting treatment for them.

There has to be some kind of link between seizures and BP since so may of the same meds work for both, don't you think? Seems there's some research going on in that department.

[unaluna]

Wingin'it, thanks for replying so honestly. My mother DID tell me that one of my grandmothers said (but in Italian), what kind of kids are YOU TWO mopes gonna have?
I did look on the epilepsy websites a few years ago, and they seemed pretty adamant that there was no link between epilepsy and mental illness, as they are trying to overcome historical stigma. But as you say, I do hope someone is looking at what is REALLY happening NOW.

[wing]

I'm glad there isn't a link. Seems odd that the same meds are effective though. Certainly not many people who are BP have seizures, at least I've never seen a post about it. Would be interesting to ask people about it.

[dragonfly2]

((whoamI)) - good for you for knowing when to ask for help. It took a lot of courage to get yourself admitted to the hospital. I hope things went reasonably well at work today. It usually takes me some time to get settled back in the outside world after a hospitalization.

As for feeling like a bad wife and mother - stop those thoughts right there. If anything, you are a *good* wife and mother because you knew something wasn't right and took the steps to try to become well again. If you had a broken leg and couldn't get off the couch, would you feel like you have failed anyone?? Or if you were having problems controlling your blood sugar?? Our brain chemistry and wiring is often as much out of our control as any other physical illness (note I said "any other" - because many mental illnesses are just as physical as "regular" illnesses!). It's just that the brain is affected instead of the heart or pancreas.

Have your husband and kids come home yet? Has he been supportive? I hope so. Oh, and I don't think you've posted in the wrong section.

Welcome to PC.