[FuddyDuddyLady]

Hi everyone:

I'll try to keep this concise and I thank everyone in advance for their thoughts.

I am a woman in my early 40s, three months shy of celebrating my 20th wedding anniversary. I am considering filing for separation/divorce from my husband. I learned I was bipolar about 9 years ago.

Seven years prior to my diagnosis, I experienced a severe, year-long manic episode where I had an affair with a co-worker. This almost ended my marriage and despite seeing a couple of different therapists -- both alone & with my husband -- no one picked up on the mania and referred me to a psychiatrist. During a difficult period of cycling moods, again, about 9 years ago, I found a psychiatrist on my own and it didn't take him long to diagnose me as bipolar.

Two years ago, my husband and I had another difficult period and separated for about six weeks. Prior to our separation, for a few months, I drank way too much...at least a bottle of wine every evening, so my husband was coming home & finding me blitzed. No, not good on my part, I know. However, since then, I'm very aware of my alcohol intake & take great care not to go overboard.

So, based on this history that is informing my married life, I ask...WOULD YOU CALL MY HUSBAND "CONTROLLING"?

Here are the things I see as controlling and I definitely need some input as to whether I'm on the right track...

1. He polices my Facebook account and questions me about what I write..."Do you know that's a public post?" etc. (Yes, I know, I'm not stupid.) He's done this in the past when I maintained public blogs, all of which I took down for this reason. He is a software engineer by trade...and ironically, I have done freelance writing in the past. I would love to have an outlet for my writing, but I can't take his questioning.

2. Questions me on my Diet Coke consumption and subsequent caffeine intake. However, he will not question me on my coffee intake. To him, Diet Coke is "bad," so that's what he questions me about. I drink at the most two, 20-ounce caffeinated Diet Cokes a day and take pains to not drink caffeine after 5pm at the latest.

(On Saturday, I bought a 12-pack of the Diet Ginger Ale he likes, and it was gone by Sunday night.)

3. On the very rare nights when I say up until midnight-1am, he will come find me in the house and ask me when I am coming to bed. It's not, "Honey? Are you OK? Are you coming to bed?" It's "Are you coming to bed anytime soon?" with hands on hips. He never asked me about staying up when I had rampant insomnia for decades before being diagnosed as bipolar. Now, I take 50mg of Seroquel every night for sleep and consistently get 8 hours of sleep...finally.

4. He is currently OK if I drink...if it's in front of him. He was out the other evening & I just wanted some peace & quiet & a glass of wine...well, he came home, found me drinking alone & went ballistic. Yelling, throwing his keys, scaring the dogs, threatening to leave me, etc. On one hand, I get this given our history, but on the other hand, I don't want to be looking over my shoulder.

5. There have been people I have had to cut out of my life because my husband suspects (with no foundation whatsoever) that I'm having affairs. It's gotten to the point where it's easier for me to drop people to head off problems at home. I have not looked at another person cross-eyed since having my affair. My husband, on the other hand, went to a strip club a few years ago and he confessed that a lap dance ended up as oral sex by the stripper-who-was-really-a-prostitute. I was given antibiotics in case he picked up anything during the encounter.

6. He will ask me what I bought at Walmart, why I take out $100 a month at the ATM and what I used that cash for. We own two houses, are already well-planned for retirement...basically, very comfortable. I feel like I should be able to have $100 in cash in my wallet for a month to pay for parking, buy magazines, and other things and not have to put everything on a credit card.

I keep coming back to..."I want to live an unfettered life." I never lived on my own before getting married (something I have regretted for a very long time) and I keep coming back to having my own house, developing the life I want, etc. with no restrictions. I don't want this to be an immature point of view, though...I guess it's difficult to know if I were to get this unfettered life, if I would truly blossom.

But what I did?

Thanks again.

[Forgive77]

Hi FuddyDuddyLady,

Well....it sounds to me like the two of you need to go back to therapy together. Has he been looked into for anything? I just ask because I'm also Bipolar, but I also have Borderline Personality Disorder, and am wondering if maybe he shouldn't look into getting tested for something. His trust issues, are founded....but I think after seven years of staying with you...there should be a little more trust. Also...yes...the prostitute was dangerous. For so many reasons.

I also drink a bottle of wine everyday, and it freaks my husband out. I'm thinking of going to AA, because it also causes me to go manic sometimes....like yesterday in fact. I can see how he would be concerned with you drinking 20 diet cokes a day. That's a lot of soda. I don't think it's about the caffeine I think it's about seeing an overwhelming amount of soda cans around the house, or in the garbage. I used to drink caffeine free diet coke like that. OR switch to that and see what he says LOL!!!

If you're a writer...I say blog....go for it. Just try to be sensitive to the things he wants to be kept private. Try.

I would say he does have some control issues. But, you have stayed together this long, why quit now? Sounds like some old feelings are coming back up for the both of you, and I'm sorry to hear that.

Here's a book that both of you should read, "Living with someone who is living with Bipolar Disorder."

It will show you how scared he is all the time, and it will give him comfort that the wrongs you have done are due to a disease.

Hope you choose therapy.

[mgran]

Question, did you ever have children? If so, there input might be valuable. If not, perhaps he's infantilising you? Hell, obviously he's infantilising you.

It seems that he's inconsistent in his behaviour towards you, overly controlling with money, and caffiene and sleep, yet at the same time neglectful. It must be more like living with an angry Dad than a husband. Particularly his attitude to your writing is, in my opinion at least, unforgivable. You're not even allowed to use language now without his say so?

Yet at the same time I can see his point of view. I'd be very alarmed if I came home and someone I knew had serious drinking problems in the past was drinking alone. Men are more likely to get angry in that situation. A woman would be more likely to get upset. You have to accept that his anger stemmed out of fear, and behind the bluster and tesosterone he must have been very upset.

It seems to me that he must think he has the right to be angry, he's obviously not been able to forgive you or trust you. (Hence his controlling behaviour, which has led you to become socially isolated, both in the virtual and real environments you inhabit.) Isolating someone is a very cruel thing to do, and yes, I think he's controlling. But this is not unsalvageable, you can fix it... if HE is willing to do the work with you. He has to see your marriage as a fit between two people, in which he takes responsibility for his behaviour. At the moment he seems to see you as being completely wrong, untrustworthy, etc, and has no insight into how his behaviour is making you feel.

If he's not prepared to work at it, this marriage will stay miserable, I fear. You know what I'm going to suggest, marriage counselling. But this never works unless both parties are prepared to work at it. I had an ex who undermined couple counselling by refusing to accept any responsibility, and he subsequently did the same thing to his second wife. Some people are just afraid to look at themselves. I really hope that your husband isn't one of them.

And before he says he's too old to change, or any such thing, my Dad went to anger management classes, of his own volition, over twenty years ago, and it transformed his life. People can change, but they have to want to.

[wing]

Hey Lady. I think it sounds like you have an extremely caring husband that is just going a bit overboard on trying to protect you from your manic self. Make a list of what you put him through, and you'll see where he is coming from. There is nothing more terrifying to a spouse that has been through a manic episode than to see one coming. I can see all the things he's doing as being overprotective trying to keep you safe and your marriage together. I think divorce is a huge mistake. You'd be hard-pressed to find someone who would be so so forgiving. He just needs to lighten up a bit. I think a few sessions with a good marriage counselor will straighten things out.