As I've talked to the lot of you around the forum on various occasions, usually to catch up on how others are doing & via random posts during times of desperation or drunken shenanigans, it's pretty clear that I've only had very minimal problems with depression.

I get manic. I get hypomanic. I get mixed mania. But just as quickly as my mania started to spiral into forbidden territory, I feel like I may be headed into only my second self-aware depression over the past 2 1/2 years (if not much longer than that).

I'm not totally depressed... My mind is still racing faster than a 747 & I still have all of these grandiose plans to get myself motivated, among other things, but I can't summon enough energy to care. I'm not cleaning anything, not pampering myself anymore. I can barely remember to brush my teeth.

And there's this noise in the back of my head constantly as if there is this gear ticking & ticking away, winding up tighter & tighter. It goes quiet when I get tired, but it's still there & gets louder.

I tried to do a journal, but while manic I didn't see the point in documenting anything & couldn't juggle that on top of everything else. And while depressed I can't imagine trying to attempt the daunting task of documenting the past 2 weeks I've already missed, let alone what I'm feeling now... Meh.

Between the blues of BP, stubbornness to receive help via NPD, & the genuine not understanding why I should give a **** of ASPD (or an offshoot of NPD); I'm sensing that I might disappear from the forums again. I'll try not to but I may very well get the best of me.

I'll figure something out.

[widgets]

Use this as your journal, post and tell us how you feel, then its a kind of killing two birds with one stone effect.
It sucks you're going through this, but there is the hope it wont last long.
Try and keep to a routine of doing things like brushing your teeth and take advantage of any energy you do have.
i Hope things get better soon. Mixed states are the worst, but personally for me they are the shortest episodes.
(((((hugs)))))

Thanks for the suggestion! I'm going to even try to go back to my old posts & put those into my little book. Maybe having some more filling will get me into the routine... It's worth a shot, in any case.
Hahaha I struggle so much with routine. I'm a distractable person, but... I really do need to try taking care of myself more. Perhaps not looking like I got hit by a train will lessen the blow.
Yeah, my mixed episodes only really last about 4 to 6 days on average. Definitely the shortest by far. I just resent the idea of becoming depressed.

*hugs back* Thank you. How are you feeling?

[widgets]

I know, i always feel like that comes next, but worrying about that can sometimes force you into a depression you may not have been in.
I was hypomanic a few weeks ago then suddenly started getting so panicky about being depressed that i upset myself, and caused it.
You cant do much to stop an episode, but you can try your best to not actually bring it on, well thats easier said than done.
Find something to focus on. my minds been racing everywhere at the moment, so i've been watching youtube videos i wouldn't really watch, i'm watching people who speak quite manically and keep my attention. Its a good technique for me, something new, that doesnt involve anything harmful but keeps me focussed.

Ahhh good idea. The power of suggestion is a mighty one! I just-- need to give a **** first. Onneeee step at a timmmeeee... ;D

[Secretum]

It's really hard to get things done when you don't feel like doing them...when I'm depressed, I am really lazy. I am still functional, but to conserve energy I do the bare minimum amount of work needed to appear normal.

My ex-therapist advocated for what he called the "nondepressed lifestyle". He theorized that if a depressed person does as much work as a nondepressed person, including things like running errands and attending social events, his depression will improve. I laughed at the idea, and thought that I could learn nothing from it besides the fact that my therapist obviously had never been depressed! However, I've tried it a few times when I was mildly low, and it did seem to help a bit. The problem, of course, is when you sink too deeply, and physically cannot live a nondepressed lifestyle...

Fight against this depression and stand your ground. Don't let it have your ability to brush your teeth or to post on PC. Maybe, if you battle it long enough, it will flee.

Besides, a lot of us would miss you if you took a PC vacation!

Hehe thank you for your response, Secretum!! It's just annoying. The mixed episode preceding my mania gave me a hard time in getting anything done. My mania went from productive to totally non-functional. And now I'm losing motivation. GAH.

After giving the whole "I might be depressed... F*********k" feeling a bit of time to sink in, I started trying to do some things. Made a to-do list & blah. It started to get really bad & my anxiety went through the roof a bit earlier in the evening, but it began to settle down. Hopefully it doesn't get too much worse than this!! But even if it does, perhaps I'll find a little solace in having done some important things before the plunge.

Lmao, managed to brush my teeth twice today AND floss tonight! I'm at least winning the hygeine battle. :P

Awh, thank you for saying that.