Skyward bound!

I was feeling REALLY normal & well during most of yesterday. Other than a few aches & pains, it was the first time I felt stable in weeks. It was such a breath of fresh air, especially since my depression hit me somewhere around 2 weeks ago... So I was feeling really optimistic, but not overly so! It was nice.

For when my arthritis or migraines get really bad, I have a small amount of Tramadol (Ultram) 325mgs to get me through it, since I can no longer take NSAIDs. The first time I took it, since I wasn't used to them, I was really itchy & nervous, but all of the other times I was fine. Took it in the afternoon, but by nightfall, I was in the worst state of psychotic mania I've ever experienced. (I posted it in a thread under "Schizophrenia & Psychosis", so I'll just paste that here.)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shayatanica Perceptory distortions as well as true hallucinations. The lightbulb's buzzing sounded like a bee was in the house & I spent 10 minutes looking for it & cowering. It sounded like there was a train speeding through my head & another time like there was a bull stomping & snorting behind me (the bull was actually the coffee pot). I layed down on the couch, but I saw shadows around me & felt like I was on an operating table... It was also the first time I've ever had really paranoid, scary delusions, as well. I'm up on the 17th floor of a building, but for some reason, I was convinced that people could see right through the windows at what I was doing & criticize me. I felt like I was in serious danger. And for some reason, I had this pervasive fear that I was going to choke on my tongue & die in my sleep. All of that happened in the same half hour. I had to take a Benadryl, lay down in bed, & put some music on to get me to sleep as soon as possible.

I was so overwhelmingly scared & as my boyfriend was tucking me in before he had to go to work, I was in tears. I was so convinced that I'd be in mortal peril the second he left... I suppose what little I had left of my reasoning abilities was as such: If I've never had such severe hallucinations with him around & they always come when he leaves, imagine how much worse they will be once he's gone! I had such a panic attack...

Today I'm not hallucinating or having delusions, just some minor things in the corner of my eye, but I'm incredibly dysphoric. I don't really feel like doing anything, my mind isn't racing... I feel like I am in a fog. I don't really feel real or like myself. But I'm incredibly hyperactive & seem to have leapt out of my reclusive slump leftover from depression. I'm also still feeding my feelings & haven't been pampering myself as I usually do on a daily basis. Just keeping myself distracted, since I don't feel that I can handle anything beyond that.

Just needed to get this off of my chest & perhaps someone has had a similar experience or knows more about this pervasive feeling of not quite feeling like anything is real... The post was in response to one about derealisation, but I'm curious as to how that relates to BP, if it does at all. Anyway, take care all of you. Thanks for paying attention! : )

That must have been really scary, i'm sorry you had to go through that. (((hugs))). The thing i can relate to it not "feeling" real....sometimes it feels like my head isn't attached to my body...like it's all congested and floating away from me...not sure if that makes sense as i write it but it's the best way i can describe it. When that happens i feel like i don't exist.

Thank you so much for the hugs... Idk. It sort of feels like I'm just faded into the world, which doesn't feel very real as it is, & my body is just like an outline or a place marker where I'm really supposed to be. Blah, it is surreal. Lol

wow. im sorry you had to go through that. sounds a lot like when i was in one of my mixed bp cycles experiencing psychosis. usually this meant a med adjustment was in order. unfortunately. thanks for reminding me why i have to stay on my meds.

HAHA you are quite welcome!! I'll be getting my driver's permit in the beginning of September, so I'll be able to finally petition for insurance, or perhaps find one of those lovely "sliding scale" mh centers to go to in the meantime... Though unfortunately, though most healthcare is good over here, they kind of ignore mental health for the most part. : P

When I was at the peak of my manic episode leading up to hospitalization, I could hear people talking on the 1st floor when I was on the 2nd with my door closed. I went down to make sure there were people there and there was, having the conversation I thought I was hearing. This convinced me I had superhuman hearing. I saw shadows while driving and thought they were holes in the road and would swerve to avoid them. I saw waves of light that had human-like appearances convincing me there were ghosts in the house. When I was in the hospital I looked out my window and was sure I could read the numbers on the tractors half a mile away.
Any shadow was also a person or animal sneaking up on me and I would swing around to face them and find nothing there. Any siren was the cops or the men in white coats coming for me to throw me in jail or take me to the looney bin.

Poor thing. I'm sorry you had to go through that & I'm sorry you had to be hospitalized. How have you been doing since then??

I just can't wait to get insurance & get myself taken care of. Sometimes it'd just be nice to have someone to go to with a degree to voice my concerns & issues to, so I can really find out what's going on... My hallucinations have always been around, but they haven't been so scary until I got out of a loud household setting. It's just me & two other quiet people here. Lots of free time. So it's become a lot more scary & problematic for me...
It's almost funny how you mentioned the "superhuman" hearing. I actually have incredible hearing, myself!! It was better when I was little, but I could literally hear someone speaking softly from another room 15 feet away, door closed. : P
& I like your description about the waves of light. That is the best way to describe some of the appearances!! Some of the others are more like foggy absences of light.